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so i haven’t posted since february. did i plan it? no. have i been reading? yes. am i back? i don’t know, i just had the urge to post.

i think part of why i haven’t posted is that i’ve had no idea what i want to say, where i want to go, what i want to do. my overriding feeling has been ambivalence; which really isn’t a productive place to be, especially when it comes to recovery. i’ll admit it, i’ve lost weight and gaining is a huge fear right now. my emotions are anything but stable.

my life has gotten busy, which makes a gaining meal plan difficult to maintain. the fact that i don’t feel like putting in the effort to follow a meal plan doesn’t help either. my therapist told me if i lose any more she is going to refer me to more intensive treatment, truth is i think she’s full of shit with that. she wants me to go back to a dietician i saw a couple of times and i’m not making an appointment because there isn’t anything she can tell me that i don’t already know, and that i can’t do myself. i have the tools, it’s the motivation i lack.

on a yoga front–i feel deprived. i have less time now and therefore less yoga time. to remedy this i got a 3 class pass to a studio in hyde park. can.not.wait.to.go.

on a walking front–i’ve become a wanderer. i bought a new iPod and it makes for wonderful zone out time.

on a birthday front–i turned 20 last week. i ate a whole piece of carrot cake. not easy. but delicious.

on a school front–it still bothers me that my classes aren’t the most challenging thing in the world, but GPA certainly loves it.

on a social front–ehh. still uncomfortable. pushing myself to step out & participate. trying not to be overly critical.

computer desktop of the moment:

weheartit.com

i missed you all. but i am up to date, cause i’ve definitely been reading. love, love, love.

i’m still rocking yoga pants & slippers to class. since i like to stay classy.

i go stir crazy in my apartment and always take the long way across campus. i tell myself that it’s okay not to do yoga everyday and i still get anxious when i don’t do it wednesdays and fridays. i tell myself that two days with mini walks won’t kill me or make me blow up like a balloon but my mind begs to differ.

i contemplate, analyze, and overthink. i think it’s okay that i’m on the verge of crazy. isn’t everyone?

i thought about giving up measuring for lent but i decided i didn’t want to put myself through the torment. especially since i never practice my catholic heritage.

i was just taken back to my early gymnastics days. i saw the logo of my club, a good looking man was carrying the duffle. i realized there was no way i could have said anything to him about it because i never moved past compulsory when i was there. and i realized i stopped practicing there seven years ago. i often forget the fact that i wasn’t content even then.

i live in the past, the way things used to be, the way i used to be, the way other’s used to be. everything changes. i’ve changed, they’ve changed, things changed. life never stops.

i’m idealistic, but i’m convinced i will never reach my ideals. i feel as though i have never reached my potential. but i have no idea what my potential is.

i forget that i am unique. but i also forget that i can relate to others.

i learned on tuesday that i am capable of painting my nails myself. sound strange? yes i believed if i painted my own nails they would look awful. so i always pay to have them done. i’m not bad at painting nails. it is calming. but i hate waiting for them to dry. it makes me antsy.

i cannot pinpoint my largest fear. sometimes i think i just afraid of life. i’m afraid of being hurt by anyone other than myself. i’m afraid of being alone.

i am glad that i don’t feel the need to push the way i eat onto other people. i’m glad i don’t constantly tell people how much better organic apples taste versus regular apples. i eat regular apples and i love them. hell my perfect apple would be grown on my own apple tree. i’m possessive.

i want to have dinner parties, complete with wine, fancy cheese, seven courses, & opera cream coffee with dessert. it will probably never happen. & i will compare all the dinner parties i go to, to this party i have created in my head, and it’s very likely nothing will ever live up to it.
i’m not lying when i say that when i went on a cruise i expected it to be like the titanic.

i feel the need to complicate simple things to challenge myself and ultimately fail.

but i’m trying to embrace my attitude. i can do anything. i can say anything. i can be anything. so can you.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” — Buddha

i’m watching my best friend’s wedding and doing a little digesting before a bit morning yoga.

not much has ensued since we last spoke, i did see “the imaginarium of doctor parnassus“–heath ledger’s last movie. i liked it in all its odd, strange glory. i’d actually love to watch it again and find all the symbolism; i’m an analyzer at heart.

i also had therapy yesterday and my therapist decided to tell me her theory about me–obsessive compulsive personality disorder. after a day of thinking about it i can still say i have no idea what i think, how i feel. she also asked if i had ever thought about medication. my head has been swimming.

as for the rest of the weekend i’m heading home (again, i know). i have good cause this time–sunday/valentine’s day is my sister’s birthday. the valentine’s baby turns fifteen. so tonight is her birthday dinner (red robin) and tomorrow we’re celebrating all birthdays at my grandma’s.

sorry to cut this post short…i guess i’m lacking some inspiration and having trouble deciphering my thoughts.

i’m hoping to get around to baking some beautiful cookies this weekend–& pictures, i need to take more pictures.

weheartit.com

speaking of valentine’s day: i’ve only had a valentine once, in 7th grade. he gave me a teddy bear & a rose at my locker. i got him a giant hershey’s kiss & never gave it to him. no wonder we didn’t last, i’m far from a good girlfriend.
tell me about your valentine’s!!

so after i last posted i realized that it kind of seemed like i didn’t do anything while i was at home–then i remembered that was not the case:
this past weekend i–>

• baked cookies with my baby sister
• had lunch with my mom & her friend at panera
• i painted my toenails “off with her red”
• took 2 days off from yoga & didn’t die
• kind of put my room back together

not necessarily in that order. && i know this is totally after the fact and not really necessary but whatever.

recently i have adopted a new attitude, it may not be the most attractive of attitudes, but it is what it is. the attitude is = “i don’t care” it gives me free reign to do as a please. i can be weird. i can be cranky. i can be romantic (okay, that hasn’t happened yet). i can be irrational (uh oh). i can be what ever i want. someone please tell me why it has taken me 19 years to realize this?

on the subject of necessity, i think its obvious i am not a fan–

nope, 4 drinks (3 different teas) are not necessary when studying. i don't care.

now, when i say studying i mean sort of catching myself up for the class that i skipped friday and that was cancelled today. oh and i found out that the university closed at noon today after i walked around (literally around it–somehow thinking those sidewalks would be less slippery; i was very wrong, hello there were less people walking on them) the campus and passed a generous guy who filled me in. all i could do was laugh, especially because part of me expected it. so naturally i went to the bookstore, bought a sweatshirt, walked to clifton natural foods (praying it was open & that they had hummus) and bought a can of black beans.
& i overslept this morning and skipped my first class. successful day? sureee.

since the campus was closed, yoga class was obviously cancelled as well (um i even stopped in the rec center to be sure–anal much?), so i decided to reacquaint myself with yogadownloads; power vinyasa flow # 1 – 60 minutes specifically. quite tough, especially after the pansy class i went to yesterday (don’t even get me started, it was supposed to be yoga strength).

i also figured i should try something new for dinner, cause you should cook when you’re snowed in, so i made italian eggs over spinach (shout out to miss amanda!) i added some brussels & mushrooms, because i’m honing in on my rebel skills, which means i no longer follow recipes obviously.

on the rebellious note–what’s the most rebellious thing you’ve ever done?

i think tonight is all about reading & falling asleep. lately the best part of my day has been laying in my bed just feeling it, its the simple things :)

oh but the simple things like people chewing with their mouth open and biting their nails makes me want to die.

happy tuesday!

questions/comments/concerns/anything you want to see from me? (i promise to stop bothering you with this sooner or later)

& pb&co giveaway! no joke :)

thanks so much for weighing in on my roommate situation. i thought about going back down to school yesterday, but the snow prevented that, so i’m actually heading back down tomorrow morning. which means i have not yet talked to my roommate, and that a few days have passed so i am going to wait to see if she says anything about it before i jump down her throat.

as for the weekend, nothing new here, i chilled at home. my mom did paint my room while i was at school this week & i love it. its all grown up & sophisticated (wish i had my camera with me) — well my sister says the walls are the color of oatmeal, which only made me love it more.

oh i bought an acorn squash today—any tips on how to prepare it?? what’s your favorite way to enjoy acorn squash?

wish i had more to report on today, just lacking the inspiration.

i’ll leave you with the picture i’ve been using as my desktop background :)

weheartit.com

i’m now feeling my yoga urge coming on, so i’m going to indulge myself. && i’m loving the questions :)

“That you are here–that life exists and identity, That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.” — Walt Whitman

hello beautiful people. i’m home again. eh, what’s new? at least this time i have 1/2 a bad reason to be home. story time:

last night (thursday night) i was just going about my business sitting in the kitchen (probably reading blogs) watching grey’s anatomy & private practice. a very ideal time for me. a time that i often look forward to throughout the week. i was quite content with the world (especially because my roommate often likes to have people over for thirsty thursday, forcing me to watch my shows on fridays).
unfortunately my bliss was cut short. my roommate came back from where ever she was around 10:30 and quickly asked if i had a lot of homework (stupid question). i said no, but i was going to be going to bed soon (me=grandma & had an early friday morning meeting). she proceeds with oh crap, well would you mind if i had some people over, we’ll be quiet, and we won’t be here long we’re going to the bars. i tell her its fine. & she reminds me to let her know if they get to loud (because i obviously want to be the bitch to say shut up i need to sleep at 11:30).
at this point i clean up the kitchen & get my coffee ready for the morning, wash my face, brush my teeth and get ready for bed hoping no one shows up during the process. i take refuge in my room and pray i’m not forgetting anything. about 20 minutes later i realize i have to pee. damn it, there are at least 12 people over at this point. i stand in my room reminding myself that i live in this apartment too and i can used my bathroom, if they look at me, then they look at me. success.
then i jump (literally) into bed and try with all my might to fall asleep. i think it was the bass that kept me up. because i know i was tried, exhausted even. it could have just been the level of speakers. or maybe it was all the yelling. what ever it was specifically i don’t really care. my roommate and all her people (i hesitate to say friends because i clearly heard her introduce herself to quite a few of them) kept me up last night. emily=not happy about this.

so i understand that i probably come off as a complete bitch at the moment, which would be a good way to describe me. but this is the first time i’ve really cared about my roommates having people over. i’ve always been able to fall asleep relatively easily. i’ve never been woken up at 3am.

this morning i woke up, got dressed in the bathroom (apparently my other roommate’s boyfriend made it home & to her bed) then wiped down the kitchen counters. while my roommate who threw the party was passed out on the couch. i was polite in that i only turned on one light to cut my bagel in half (considered leaving them off, but i didn’t want to cut off a finger). then took my breakfast back to my room and ate it while blog reading. unfortunately not the most pleasant of breakfasts.

so that would be 1/2 of why i am home. the other 1/2 would be that i decided i wanted to come home tonight before any of this went down in the first place.

now before you say i should have said something to her, i was planning on it. but once i got back from class she avoided me. first by pretending she was still asleep, then by disappearing while i went to the bathroom, then by pretending to be asleep again. i’m pretty sure my face screamed pissed off.

so there you have it. a long bitchy story of my night…i’ve found myself telling bits of the tale all day, maybe now i can get over it.

& not to worry i shall return to normally scheduled blogging asap {i did just have a glass of wine}. oh & i really want to jump on the formspring bandwagon. ask me anything at all, i’d really like to answer any/all questions :)

and yes—happy weekend to all!

well, i joined a sorority. & maybe its because i’ve been around a huge group of girls, but my emotions are all over the place. one thing is for sure though–i’m terrified. part of me is thinking “what in the world did i just do?”. i’ll be the first to admit that its only been 2 days and i’m being extremely dramatic.

&& i’ve had it with one of my roommates. she is so loud, and she really likes to turn up the tv to an obscene volume, pet peeve. and she asks too many questions, but i have been forcing myself to answer her, just not always as energetically as her. and she chews with her mouth open. what the hell?

all that aside (can you tell i haven’t done yoga yet today??) i’m swimming along. i have therapy tomorrow and i think i’m going to be a freak and make a list of all i want to talk about (sometimes i don’t know what to say and end up mute). i even called the dietitian today and left a message, so hopefully i’ll hear from her tomorrow.

so, i was bored in accounting today (what’s new?) and i decided that even though it was misty and chilly i needed to go to clifton natural foods. synergy needs obviously, read the plan was only to spend $3.

plan didn't work out quite so well. but as you can tell it was not my fault.

1. i didn’t know maranatha made sunflower seed butter.
2. i’ve never had sunflower seed butter.
3. only $3.29
4. i’ve never had guavas. therefore guava goddess.

tested out my new nut butter with some apple slices. YUM! i loved it & the sunflowers on the jar make me smile.

currently i’m watching modern family, then getting a mini yoga fix, then probably going to bed (i was up till 12:30 last, who am i??). you know standard :)

—also devan wanted me to let all her blog loves know that she was admitted yesterday. please keep sweet sweet beautiful devan in your thoughts & send your support & love.

i made my way home friday, stopped at trader joe’s & i’m thinking the best purchase was the nuts about raspberries and chocolate trail mix. its the absolute best.

i’m a little bummed to say that my mom and i didn’t end up painting my room, there just hasn’t really been the time, not that we’ve really done much of anything. eh we’ll paint it later.

yesterday i had my first experience with steel cut oats & egg white oats. i almost did it right. of course i followed miss amanda’s recipe down to the pink lady (well minus the raisins…since i had none).

the final product! it was delicious.

my only issue was that i was impatient with the egg whites…next time i will let them soak into the oats more so they don’t cook themselves white.

&& i faced one of my nemesis—pizza. oh yes i did.

amy's individual light in sodium spinach pizza. all for me...

much better experience than the last time. it was delicious. who cares that it wasn’t a big old greasy slice, to be honest i know i enjoyed this more than i have ever enjoyed typical pizza from a pizza place.

proof i enjoyed it. ha wow :)

and you know what i still had a night time snack after, just because i had pizza doesn’t mean Ed should talk me into restricting.

as for today i don’t have too much planned, getting my butt back to school & hopefully some grocery shopping cause it’s a fact of life.

happy sunday loves!!

ps miss snackface is having a fabby giveaway for snackface’s birthday!!

so, it’s thursday and i don’t think i have anymore classes this week & i was the fool sitting in class waiting for it to start when it occurred to me to check the syllabus and see that class was cancelled for today and tomorrow. oops–it happens. now i’m just sitting in my apartment watching bobby flay grill some quail & figs, while he keeps explaining the fabulous-ness of it all.

speaking of figs, i did some unnecessary shopping yesterday. not complaining :)

i do not regret spending $8 on a hunk of soap. hello figs & leaves! i may regret that i impulsively bought lip balm at the register. they get me every time.

side note i’ve kind of been loving figs for a few weeks now. a month ago i thought i hated them.

a FIG! by the way my roommate thought it was cheesecake when she saw it in the bathroom...

you would not believe how good this stuff smells (actually you probably would believe it, haha). my friend thinks i’m going to end up eating it one day. i hope she’s wrong.

i also went to target, and its impossible to go in there and not buy anything so i didn’t even try to resist.

hot chili sauce. random, right? but it is delicious :)

& as you can see i’m trying to work with some natural lighting, since i’m a wee bit obsessed with my synergy photo.
synergy by the way is very delicious, it has a strong flavor & i can’t drink a whole one in one day, but it’s perfect for sipping on. i have plans to buy one once a week. i understand that’s a weird plan.

i tried something new this morning—> wake up yoga at 645am at the rec center. unfortunately i was pretty unbalanced…it was just me and one other person and i found it hard to focus on myself. my growling stomach was also distracting, silly me didn’t think i needed anything beforehand, definitely a mistake. when i left it was nice to see all the army boys working out :)

i also finished Madness, by Marya Hornbacher, the other night. i highly recommend it. i adore her writing and i can’t even begin to explain all she has been through in her life. i especially recommend it if you’ve read & enjoyed Wasted.

in a fit of major inspiration yesterday i took a risk. i took my spoon, dipped it into the cinnamon raisin swirl, scooped it up, and ate it. no measuring. i was a little surprised by the bit of anxiety it caused me, but the anxiousness passed and i went to bed. just like that. try it :) when was the last time you did something unexpected?

that’s about all of my updates, my dad’s picking me up tomorrow afternoon & my mom and i have plans to paint my bedroom this weekend. it’s going to be interesting.

LOVE.

“I relish my life. It is a life of which i am fiercely protective. I have wrested it back from madness, and madness cannot take it from me again. I will not throw it away. So what if it isn’t a normal life? It’s the one I have. It’s difficult, beautiful, painful, fully of laughter, passing strange. Whatever else it is, whatever it brings — it’s mine.”
Madness; Marya Hornbacher