me again

In Uncategorized on May 12, 2010 by Emily (

i’m making a new blog.

come visit :)



In Uncategorized on May 11, 2010 by Emily (

hi. did i pop up on your google reader? hope so :) don’t hate me :/

so i haven’t posted since february. did i plan it? no. have i been reading? yes. am i back? i don’t know, i just had the urge to post.

i think part of why i haven’t posted is that i’ve had no idea what i want to say, where i want to go, what i want to do. my overriding feeling has been ambivalence; which really isn’t a productive place to be, especially when it comes to recovery. i’ll admit it, i’ve lost weight and gaining is a huge fear right now. my emotions are anything but stable.

my life has gotten busy, which makes a gaining meal plan difficult to maintain. the fact that i don’t feel like putting in the effort to follow a meal plan doesn’t help either. my therapist told me if i lose any more she is going to refer me to more intensive treatment, truth is i think she’s full of shit with that. she wants me to go back to a dietician i saw a couple of times and i’m not making an appointment because there isn’t anything she can tell me that i don’t already know, and that i can’t do myself. i have the tools, it’s the motivation i lack.

on a yoga front–i feel deprived. i have less time now and therefore less yoga time. to remedy this i got a 3 class pass to a studio in hyde park.

on a walking front–i’ve become a wanderer. i bought a new iPod and it makes for wonderful zone out time.

on a birthday front–i turned 20 last week. i ate a whole piece of carrot cake. not easy. but delicious.

on a school front–it still bothers me that my classes aren’t the most challenging thing in the world, but GPA certainly loves it.

on a social front–ehh. still uncomfortable. pushing myself to step out & participate. trying not to be overly critical.

computer desktop of the moment:

i missed you all. but i am up to date, cause i’ve definitely been reading. love, love, love.


embrace it.

In Uncategorized on February 18, 2010 by Emily ( Tagged: , , , ,

i’m embracing attitude now  a days. just because i can. today i’ve had my standard pot of black coffee with breakfast. a half an hour ago i stepped into starbucks and ordered a venti americano, since no one’s stopping me.

i’m still rocking yoga pants & slippers to class. since i like to stay classy.

i go stir crazy in my apartment and always take the long way across campus. i tell myself that it’s okay not to do yoga everyday and i still get anxious when i don’t do it wednesdays and fridays. i tell myself that two days with mini walks won’t kill me or make me blow up like a balloon but my mind begs to differ.

i contemplate, analyze, and overthink. i think it’s okay that i’m on the verge of crazy. isn’t everyone?

i thought about giving up measuring for lent but i decided i didn’t want to put myself through the torment. especially since i never practice my catholic heritage.

i was just taken back to my early gymnastics days. i saw the logo of my club, a good looking man was carrying the duffle. i realized there was no way i could have said anything to him about it because i never moved past compulsory when i was there. and i realized i stopped practicing there seven years ago. i often forget the fact that i wasn’t content even then.

i live in the past, the way things used to be, the way i used to be, the way other’s used to be. everything changes. i’ve changed, they’ve changed, things changed. life never stops.

i’m idealistic, but i’m convinced i will never reach my ideals. i feel as though i have never reached my potential. but i have no idea what my potential is.

i forget that i am unique. but i also forget that i can relate to others.

i learned on tuesday that i am capable of painting my nails myself. sound strange? yes i believed if i painted my own nails they would look awful. so i always pay to have them done. i’m not bad at painting nails. it is calming. but i hate waiting for them to dry. it makes me antsy.

i cannot pinpoint my largest fear. sometimes i think i just afraid of life. i’m afraid of being hurt by anyone other than myself. i’m afraid of being alone.

i am glad that i don’t feel the need to push the way i eat onto other people. i’m glad i don’t constantly tell people how much better organic apples taste versus regular apples. i eat regular apples and i love them. hell my perfect apple would be grown on my own apple tree. i’m possessive.

i want to have dinner parties, complete with wine, fancy cheese, seven courses, & opera cream coffee with dessert. it will probably never happen. & i will compare all the dinner parties i go to, to this party i have created in my head, and it’s very likely nothing will ever live up to it.
i’m not lying when i say that when i went on a cruise i expected it to be like the titanic.

i feel the need to complicate simple things to challenge myself and ultimately fail.

but i’m trying to embrace my attitude. i can do anything. i can say anything. i can be anything. so can you.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” — Buddha



In Uncategorized on February 13, 2010 by Emily ( Tagged: , , , ,


i’m watching my best friend’s wedding and doing a little digesting before a bit morning yoga.

not much has ensued since we last spoke, i did see the imaginarium of doctor parnassus–heath ledger’s last movie. i liked it in all its odd, strange glory. i’d actually love to watch it again and find all the symbolism; i’m an analyzer at heart.

i also had therapy yesterday and my therapist decided to tell me her theory about me–obsessive compulsive personality disorder. after a day of thinking about it i can still say i have no idea what i think, how i feel. she also asked if i had ever thought about medication. my head has been swimming.

as for the rest of the weekend i’m heading home (again, i know). i have good cause this time–sunday/valentine’s day is my sister’s birthday. the valentine’s baby turns fifteen. so tonight is her birthday dinner (red robin) and tomorrow we’re celebrating all birthdays at my grandma’s.

sorry to cut this post short…i guess i’m lacking some inspiration and having trouble deciphering my thoughts.

i’m hoping to get around to baking some beautiful cookies this weekend–& pictures, i need to take more pictures.

speaking of valentine’s day: i’ve only had a valentine once, in 7th grade. he gave me a teddy bear & a rose at my locker. i got him a giant hershey’s kiss & never gave it to him. no wonder we didn’t last, i’m far from a good girlfriend.
tell me about your valentine’s!!


what’s necessary?

In Uncategorized on February 10, 2010 by Emily ( Tagged: , , , , , ,

good evening loves :)

so after i last posted i realized that it kind of seemed like i didn’t do anything while i was at home–then i remembered that was not the case:
this past weekend i–>

  • baked cookies with my baby sister
  • had lunch with my mom & her friend at panera
  • i painted my toenails “off with her red”
  • took 2 days off from yoga & didn’t die
  • kind of put my room back together

not necessarily in that order. && i know this is totally after the fact and not really necessary but whatever.

recently i have adopted a new attitude, it may not be the most attractive of attitudes, but it is what it is. the attitude is = “i don’t care” it gives me free reign to do as a please. i can be weird. i can be cranky. i can be romantic (okay, that hasn’t happened yet). i can be irrational (uh oh). i can be what ever i want. someone please tell me why it has taken me 19 years to realize this?

on the subject of necessity, i think its obvious i am not a fan–

nope, 4 drinks (3 different teas) are not necessary when studying. i don't care.

now, when i say studying i mean sort of catching myself up for the class that i skipped friday and that was cancelled today. oh and i found out that the university closed at noon today after i walked around (literally around it–somehow thinking those sidewalks would be less slippery; i was very wrong, hello there were less people walking on them) the campus and passed a generous guy who filled me in. all i could do was laugh, especially because part of me expected it. so naturally i went to the bookstore, bought a sweatshirt, walked to clifton natural foods (praying it was open & that they had hummus) and bought a can of black beans.
& i overslept this morning and skipped my first class. successful day? sureee.

since the campus was closed, yoga class was obviously cancelled as well (um i even stopped in the rec center to be sure–anal much?), so i decided to reacquaint myself with yogadownloads; power vinyasa flow # 1 – 60 minutes specifically. quite tough, especially after the pansy class i went to yesterday (don’t even get me started, it was supposed to be yoga strength).

i also figured i should try something new for dinner, cause you should cook when you’re snowed in, so i made italian eggs over spinach (shout out to miss amanda!) i added some brussels & mushrooms, because i’m honing in on my rebel skills, which means i no longer follow recipes obviously.

on the rebellious note–what’s the most rebellious thing you’ve ever done?

i think tonight is all about reading & falling asleep. lately the best part of my day has been laying in my bed just feeling it, its the simple things :)

oh but the simple things like people chewing with their mouth open and biting their nails makes me want to die.

happy tuesday!

questions/comments/concerns/anything you want to see from me? (i promise to stop bothering you with this sooner or later)

& pb&co giveaway! no joke :)


subtle weekend

In Uncategorized on February 7, 2010 by Emily ( Tagged: , , , ,

happy sunday all! anyone else super hyped could care less about the super bowl? i’m hoping no one wins :)

thanks so much for weighing in on my roommate situation. i thought about going back down to school yesterday, but the snow prevented that, so i’m actually heading back down tomorrow morning. which means i have not yet talked to my roommate, and that a few days have passed so i am going to wait to see if she says anything about it before i jump down her throat.

as for the weekend, nothing new here, i chilled at home. my mom did paint my room while i was at school this week & i love it. its all grown up & sophisticated (wish i had my camera with me) — well my sister says the walls are the color of oatmeal, which only made me love it more.

oh i bought an acorn squash today—any tips on how to prepare it?? what’s your favorite way to enjoy acorn squash?

wish i had more to report on today, just lacking the inspiration.

i’ll leave you with the picture i’ve been using as my desktop background :)

i’m now feeling my yoga urge coming on, so i’m going to indulge myself. && i’m loving the questions :)

“That you are here–that life exists and identity, That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.” — Walt Whitman


bit bitchy

In Uncategorized on February 6, 2010 by Emily ( Tagged: , , , ,

if you would like to skip story time, i don’t blame you. but i beg of you to ask me a question, yes yes, i cannot resist a trend, also known as formspring.

hello beautiful people. i’m home again. eh, what’s new? at least this time i have 1/2 a bad reason to be home. story time:

last night (thursday night) i was just going about my business sitting in the kitchen (probably reading blogs) watching grey’s anatomy & private practice. a very ideal time for me. a time that i often look forward to throughout the week. i was quite content with the world (especially because my roommate often likes to have people over for thirsty thursday, forcing me to watch my shows on fridays).
unfortunately my bliss was cut short. my roommate came back from where ever she was around 10:30 and quickly asked if i had a lot of homework (stupid question). i said no, but i was going to be going to bed soon (me=grandma & had an early friday morning meeting). she proceeds with oh crap, well would you mind if i had some people over, we’ll be quiet, and we won’t be here long we’re going to the bars. i tell her its fine. & she reminds me to let her know if they get to loud (because i obviously want to be the bitch to say shut up i need to sleep at 11:30).
at this point i clean up the kitchen & get my coffee ready for the morning, wash my face, brush my teeth and get ready for bed hoping no one shows up during the process. i take refuge in my room and pray i’m not forgetting anything. about 20 minutes later i realize i have to pee. damn it, there are at least 12 people over at this point. i stand in my room reminding myself that i live in this apartment too and i can used my bathroom, if they look at me, then they look at me. success.
then i jump (literally) into bed and try with all my might to fall asleep. i think it was the bass that kept me up. because i know i was tried, exhausted even. it could have just been the level of speakers. or maybe it was all the yelling. what ever it was specifically i don’t really care. my roommate and all her people (i hesitate to say friends because i clearly heard her introduce herself to quite a few of them) kept me up last night. emily=not happy about this.

so i understand that i probably come off as a complete bitch at the moment, which would be a good way to describe me. but this is the first time i’ve really cared about my roommates having people over. i’ve always been able to fall asleep relatively easily. i’ve never been woken up at 3am.

this morning i woke up, got dressed in the bathroom (apparently my other roommate’s boyfriend made it home & to her bed) then wiped down the kitchen counters. while my roommate who threw the party was passed out on the couch. i was polite in that i only turned on one light to cut my bagel in half (considered leaving them off, but i didn’t want to cut off a finger). then took my breakfast back to my room and ate it while blog reading. unfortunately not the most pleasant of breakfasts.

so that would be 1/2 of why i am home. the other 1/2 would be that i decided i wanted to come home tonight before any of this went down in the first place.

now before you say i should have said something to her, i was planning on it. but once i got back from class she avoided me. first by pretending she was still asleep, then by disappearing while i went to the bathroom, then by pretending to be asleep again. i’m pretty sure my face screamed pissed off.

so there you have it. a long bitchy story of my night…i’ve found myself telling bits of the tale all day, maybe now i can get over it.

& not to worry i shall return to normally scheduled blogging asap {i did just have a glass of wine}. oh & i really want to jump on the formspring bandwagon. ask me anything at all, i’d really like to answer any/all questions :)

and yes—happy weekend to all!