anxiety set me free

In Uncategorized on October 4, 2009 by Emily ( Tagged: , , ,

morning! hope everyone had a fun saturday night!

this is what happened outside my window:



afterr -- that's the ohio state side, they all ventured to bloomington to woop our butts

afterr -- that's the ohio state side, they all ventured to bloomington to woop our butts

yes the hoosiers failed to beat the buckeyes, but to be honest we had no chance in hell. i decided to watch how to lose a guy in 10 days and sweet home alabama while studying. wow i’m pretty lame.

remember my attempt at suspense yesterday? —

SUPRISE SNACK! (um the creativity is almond butter atop -- some protein-ing)

SUPRISE SNACK! (um the creativity is almond butter atop -- some protein-ing)

so i fooled you :) there is not much creativity there, but it was satisfying & i paired it with this:

tazo did not let me down, organic darjeen = perfect

tazo did not let me down, organic darjeen = perfect

dinner was respectable soup & sandwich

southwest style vegetable soup; i lovee the flavor!

southwest style vegetable soup; i lovee the flavor!

basic tuna does not disappoint

basic tuna does not disappoint

so aside from the eats of yesterday there were a few things affecting me. i.e. the title of the post, ANXIETY.

the weekends tend to bring it one while i’m at school. i tend to set up expectations in my head that:

  • are incredibly unrealistic (get all my homework finished nice & neatly)
  • not fun (get all my homework done)
  • full of pressure (tailgate when i’ve never actually gone before & don’t have plans to go with anyone)
  • un-attainable in the short term (find a boyfriend, ha)

as you can see it seems a though i like to set myself up for failure, if i don’t do exactly what i set up in my head then i have failed. what’s with that? well after doing some thinking last night & rational evaluating i think i may have an answer. i don’t have the best coping mechanisms for myself when life gets a little rocky. (elephant in the room — i am recovering from disordered eating)

i have spent too much time comparing what i am doing this semester with last semester. i remember how unhappy i was & coped with that by pulling back, stepping inside my box, pounding out miles on the treadmill, obsessing about the new diet studies, restricting myself from any food i actually wanted, & berating myself whenever i actually finished what was on my plate. there was nothing pleasant about it. i was lonely & it kept me company.

i spent the summer with my wonderful family whom i love dearly & coming back to school i didn’t want to leave them. going home seems to be the only thing i really want to do.

& i’m hard headed & stubborn & i don’t like change. i associate a lot of negative thoughts with school, there are a lot of people here who have not treated me well. hell my first saturday here i called my parents and begged them to come take me home, which they rightfully refused. & i promised them that i would give this semester a shot, which i am trying to do.

but i’m coming to realize that IU may not be the place for me. so i am looking to transfer back to ohio, closer to home, where i feel like i can really be myself & be happy. i think transferring is the right thing for me to do.

but backkk to anxiety (wow that was a side-track but its necessary for me to explain what i realized last night)

i have replaced my disordered eating with setting myself up to fail. i feed into my low self-esteem, & while i may be eating more & not obsessing over exercise, i am still shutting myself out. i push myself to hate it here so that i can be justified (in my eyes) in transferring. but i still have at least 2 1/2 months here, do i really need to be miserable for that long so that i can go somewhere new? NO i can enjoy myself and still transfer because that is what is right for me.

i think my dad said it best: “if you’re not going to be there next semester why not do everything you want to do, there is no reason to care what the hell anyone else thinks” & he’s right i care way to much about how everyone else is going to react. it doesn’t matter, i need to do what i want to do.

so here is my plan:

  • go to parties when i want to, not when i feel like i should because people are judging me for staying in
  • invite people to do things with me, knowing full well that they may say no, so what if i do things by myself
  • talk & smile at everyone & if they think i’m crazy who cares
  • accept that my goals may not align with those around me
  • stop caring that i am sophomore living with a bunch of freshman, i am not a loser because i had bad luck with housing
  • realize that relaxing feels good & i should not look down on myself because i have time to relax

pretty much culminating in being comfortable with myself. i don’t need to compare myself with everyone around me, no one does because everyone is different & there is nothing wrong with different.

TODAY IS A NEW BEGINNING. please join me, i think its going to be fun :) life is a roller-coaster might as well enjoy the ride

so enough about me, how are you? did you have a good weekend?

tried to make the oatmeal look drool-worthy, sadly not very successful

tried to make the oatmeal look drool-worthy, sadly not very successful

it tasted wonderful however

it tasted wonderful however

hmm i think some accounting reading may be in my near future :) then my corporate social strategy exam at 2, & group meeting after that, oh the beauty of being a business major.

so this post has reached the way too long point. i’ll leave with a question.

what’s your favorite way to relax?


2 Responses to “anxiety set me free”

  1. hey! thanks for stopping by my blog! yours is great, I am glad you found me so I found you :)

    my favorite way to relax is with a good book and a great cup of tea on teh couch…OR yoga haha

    and that oatmeal DOES look drool worthy!

  2. The tailgate looks CRAZY – my sister cheered at a bigschool and they can be so insane … loving the tazo, i’m addicted!
    Those feelings can be REALLY HARD – and I think it’s amazing that you are able to put things in perspective, and set things up to try and make yourself happy, because ultimately it is about you and not what other people think! – and it’s awesome that you’re identifying achievable things that you can do that will help improve a less-than-ideal situation! email me if you need anything, seriously ….
    to relax, i love to watch an episode of something on hulu with a cup of tea or do slow laps if the pool’s not busy.
    Good luck – and great job already!

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