In Uncategorized on October 21, 2009 by Emily ( Tagged: , , , ,

remember me? it feels like years since my last post…hows everyone doing?

 well my life has been focused on homework, eh trying not to get bummed out about it cause that’s the life of a college student, but come on there should be a break somewhere! & don’t get me started on my group project, i have some choice words for them, but i shall refrain. thanks for listening to my rant. now onto more important things.

NEW DISCOVERY! PANDORA RADIO; now i know this is nothing new and i probably look like a total looser, but on my silly hp laptop i do not have iTunes installed and i don’t have the patience to do it, so pandora has come to the rescue & it totally rocks for random yoga tunes. and i have a GLEE cast station eekkk!! (ps GLEE is totally on tonight and i think i finally get to watch it when it airs yay!)

i’ve been trying to keep the eats interesting….hmm how did i do?

some honey gram bears wanted to join the oatmeal party

some honey gram bears wanted to join the oatmeal party

eating (messily) by the rainbow

eating (messily) by the rainbow

yogurt mess ! doubly good with frozen berries !

yogurt mess ! doubly good with frozen berries !

what's that? more honey gram bears!

what's that? more honey gram bears!

so one thing that i have been really working on lately is not counting calories. it is really hard for me, i have a difficult time listening to my body and trusting that it knows what it needs. i let calories drive my food choices more than i’d like to admit, and it seems to be even harder now that i don’t measure most of the time. i want to be able to eat intuitively, but i definitely struggle with it.

i think my problem is that i waver in the wake of ED thoughts, i don’t always let my rational mind win, but i think that as long as i have hit a calorie target then i am fine. but i don’t like to admit that some days my body wants and needs more, or wants different things than ED is willing to give it.

when i think about it rationally i think, “Emily you are so silly, why would you want to deprive yourself of yummy things when your tummy is telling you that it wants them? There is no prize for eating “correctly”, especially when your own definition of “correct” seems to change everyday. There is no glory in depriving yourself, no one else finds it particularly attractive. People want to be around people who treat themselves well, Emily there is nothing wrong with consistently treating yourself well.”

i realize the reality of my disorder when i stray from these thoughts, i like to tell myself that since i never went a day without eating i don’t really have to change. but just because i didn’t have a clinially diagnosed disorder does not mean that i don’t have a problem that should be changed to live a better life. i know a lot about eating disorders and i know that i have many similar thoughts that i need to work through. i can diagnose myself and trust my own judgment even though i am not a professional, i am right now at this moment admitting that i am orthorexic and working on recovering to become a happy, healthy, normal eater.

i want to move past this.

couldn't tell you why in the world i took this picture

couldn't tell you why in the world i took this picture

i appreciate all you readers, thank you so much, i need all of your support while i navigate myself to a new normal.


7 Responses to “slackerrrrrr”

  1. that is very insightful of you to recognize that you could listen to your body more! one way you can stop counting calories is to stop measuring. use different bowls, don’t buy preportioned items. it will be harder to keep track of and more convenient not to count.
    I love the picture of the teddy grams in the bowl. they look like they are at a hot tub party.

  2. Awww, so cute with the honey gram bears! :)

    Emily, you are SO strong! Simply acknowledging the disordered thinking and realizing that these thoughts are not your own is SUCH a huge step towards normalcy. Try hard to eat what you crave and don’t think of it as “giving in.” Your body craves certain foods for a reason… it NEEDS them! Listen to your body and know that you are so much stronger than any disordered thinking could ever be. You are in charge and you alone have the power to let the ED go.


  3. I feel exactly the same with the whole “calorie target” concept. Much like you, I listen to what my mind or ED tells me to eat, rather than actually listening to my hunger signals. I wish you all the best on your journey to a healthier lifestyle :)

  4. i love the little teddy grahams in yoru oat meal! way to adorable.

    I agree with what you said about your “calorie goals”.. its never ME that feels hungry.. its ED… ed tells me what and when to eat.. not my own body or hunger signals :( Its not fair… But I am fighting.. and you are doing so well.
    stay strong!

  5. hey emily!! first thank you so much for teh bday wishes to my mom!! it means alot :)

    the teddy’s in your oatmeal look so cute! nice and warm in there.

    you continue to prove through your writing and posts that you are SO strong. It is very hard to NOT count calories and admit to disordered eating, but this is such a huge step in realizign that you DO want to change!

    I hope you are having a fabulous day!

  6. Good luck on the group proj and I am obsessed with pandora!
    Just recognizing that there are these things to deal with and acknowledging them shows strength– it is this same strength that will help you persist with the self-affirming thought that are true, you are awesome! It seems that you have a great perspective that will help you fight through this, and let
    destructive feces know who is boss! You are great and thus deserve to feel great by giving your body the nourishment it needs to sustain itself and continue to allow you to be awesome and do amazing things. I write affirmations all over the place- my current alarms in my phone are labeled believe, nourish, you can, persevere, etc. ~ we may have just ‘met’ but you are so strong and I truly believe you can do this, surround yourself with positivity as it seems you have been and just keep rockin. Let me know if I can help … And sorry that this comment is now a novel!

  7. I love yogurt messes and oatmeal parties :)

    stay beautiful and strong, girl <3

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