lost in the rain

In Uncategorized on December 2, 2009 by Emily ( Tagged: , , ,

hello my beautiful people!

miss pb&jenny is having a wonderful cookie giveaway at the moment!!

thank you to everyone who left me some tips on how to occupy myself in my confusing moments of downtime :) i can guarantee i will be putting them into practice this weekend

so yesterday i made a list of things that i have been thinking a lot about lately. first thought on the list: feeling as though i am lost

this feeling causes me panic, anxiety & stress. it’s not enjoyable and it takes me a while to re-ground myself when i begin to feel this way. let me first explain the feeling–i can be anywhere, don’t just about anything and it hits me, “what’s next? what’s now? what am i doing?” my head starts spinning with questions, then i find that i can’t focus on anything except this unpleasant feeling. i want to run. i want to crawl into a hole. i want it all to stop. i am lost in a see of thoughts that are negative, unhappy, & restrictive. i don’t know what to do with myself in these moments that seem endless.

i’m sure you’re thinking, well emily you we know you do not constantly have these feelings so what happens next?

i breathe, i loose touch with the moment, who i’m with, what is happening & i try to pull back. i find myself physically walking away from what it is that i am doing. i keep breathing. i try to chase away the panic, chase away the anxiety. when this happens at home i cry. i lay down on the floor and cry. anything to release the feeling.

once i feel more sane i begin to wonder, am i the only one who thinks this much? why do i care about everything? and eventually i talk myself into believing that i was just being dramatic and i made the episode up. i shut the feeling out and pretend as though it never existed. i take up a little task and get on with my life. until it happens again.

i wouldn’t worry about this so much if it didn’t happen to me often…but honestly it does. i wish i could explain it better. that’s what i am try to do here, explain it to myself. i am trying to remind myself that i get this feeling and i don’t handle it well, and i can’t keep handling it this way for the rest of my life. i have to open myself up and be vulnerable because i believe others can help me with this, because i can’t be the only one who gets these feelings, i can’t be.

this prompts a new goal for myself–stating my feelings out loud, accepting that they exist and living through them. (sounds like quite a lofty goal to me)

since this goal is pretty abstract i think it is important to create a concrete example of what i mean: before thanksgiving break i had made many plans to spend time with one of my best friends who goes to school in SC, long story short i saw her for a total of 3 hours (unquality time) and this really hurt my feelings, as she did many things over break with a friend she brought up with her from school. all in all i felt left out and forgotten, especially after i had been excited about all our plans.

so sunday before classes started i sent her a text, telling her she hurt my feelings over break. just that simple, i didn’t go into detail, i just left it at that. i didn’t get a response, well until the next evening when she called and we talked about it and she apologized. now we both feel better and hopefully with spend time together over christmas.

a couple months ago i wouldn’t have handled this that way, i would have stayed hurt and expected her to figure it out and been even more hurt when she didn’t read my mind. i want to continue to handle these things in a mature fashion.

ah my thoughtfulness of the day, hope y’all don’t think i’m a crazy baby ;)

if you were wondering i am currently enjoying–

grande 2% misto with 1 pump sf cinnamon dolce, mmm

yes your eyes are not deceiving you this is a 2% misto, not fat free, because you know what i need the fat. i have been going for the 2% for about a month now, no regrets, do it :)

hope everyone has a beautiful hump day, its raining and yucky here & my uggs are most definitely not water proof so i’ve been trudging around with puddles in my boots all day….

“The best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain.”—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

i really like this quote, i think it says a lot about accepting & living with circumstances, even though they may not seem ideal


12 Responses to “lost in the rain”

  1. Glad you’re getting your feelings out and not keeping them bottled up. I tend to want people to read my mind also and have gotten better in recent years about just putting out there to people so that everyone involved can move on.

  2. It’s great that you are handling your conflicts right up front – that is something everyone should strive for…MATURITY. :) A lot of people are lacking in that department.

    You think you think too much? Girl, we are all in the same boat. Thinking is the primary thing I do, I feel like it should be my job. What I am trying to learn and do is to be more spontaneous, it makes life more fun and exciting!

    I hope you stay out of the rain – it’s like that here too :/


  3. Great job girlie…I need to be better about opening up and talking about how I am feeling. That is hard for me to do a lot of times. You are inspiration!

  4. i need to open up about stuff. i tried but it wasn’t happening with moms.

    i think things through a lot. sheesh. =D

    i know negativity SUCKS! i’m trying to get beyond that!

  5. seriously i’m SO happy this is an uplifting post :) & soo soo glad you are getting hte 2% bc you are right you do need it . it is so important that we express our feelings


  6. GOOD for you for being so honest. its so important to get those feelings OUT so they dont build up a wall of resentment inside of you.. the first step to ridding those problems is confessing them.. pray about it, that works for me girl

  7. sounds like you handled the situation with maturity and dignity my love. be proud of yourself for letting your feelings be known!

    and wooop for the 2% milk. we deffo need all those healthy fats, so why not? and it tastes so much better too!

    loads of love
    hannah xo

  8. I get that ‘lost’ feeling quite a bit myself… I describe it as extreme anxiety, and it usually happens most intensely when I am struggling with a food choice/challenge.

    I’m so proud of you for opening up and realizing that it’s ok to be mentally confused…! Sometimes getting the courage to ask for advice is all we need to realize that we are definately NOT alone :)

    Congrats on the way you handled your friend sitation, it must have been SO hard (esp because I know you have been struggling a bit socially), and you deserve to feel an extreme sense of empowerment!

    Love you Beautiful!!

  9. I love coming in here b/c you state what many of us (or at least me) feel sometimes.

    Like you said, just acnknowledge that something is happening is the first way to make it better and you are doing that. It sounds like you are on a great path.

    Greaty way to handle the friend too.

  10. Great job confronting your problems!

  11. thanks for the comfort. i’m heading to sleep early…hopefully tomorrow is better. life does suck. i think a red starbucks cup is in my near future.

    at least it’s friday tomorrow?

    i’ll hit you up tomorrow and let you know how my day went

  12. Wise thoughts, Emily. Sometimes, we get drowned by our own thoughts. We need to state them out, and somtimes the simple act of saying it out loud makes us realize how irrational and silly we’re being…there are things that are just NOT worth it! Hugs to you, girl!

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