life as it is

In Uncategorized on December 8, 2009 by Emily ( Tagged: , , , ,

happy evening beauties! how’s this week treating you? unbearably slow? yeah, me too.

so, have i been studying? have i been stressing? nah not really.

i’ve been watching too much tv, as i am currently multitasking (watching the biggest loser finale–what can i say i can’t really manage to do just one thing at a time), i’ve been cursing the weather gods (tried to cheer myself up about the rain today by donning a baseball cap, did not work, and i still got wet), all in all avoiding studying. no motivation. none what so ever.

oh yeah it snowed yesterday. i didn't really like it.

& i have a cold. i have done everything i can possibly think of to make it go away–dayquil, nyquil, chicken noodle soup, ginger ale (zevia style ;) i rocked), tea, more tea, halls. & i still have a cold. i should probably point out that i’ve had this cold for all of 2 days. i am a drama queen/big baby.

bedtime snack with a side of nyquil. & i still woke up at 7am, had to chill in bed for a whole hour.

what has been nice is that in my defiant act of acceptance of this week and the next i haven’t been so angry, i’ve just set myself in waiting really, and i think it’s okay for the time being.

in other news the group project that stressed me to the point that i think i got my first grey hair (i am 19, not okay) earned our group an A. i feel as though i should be elated to some extent. but really in actuality i don’t really care. i don’t feel all that much about it. i don’t think i am very good at this feeling called happy.

as for my goal [doing something that scares me everyday] i’ve thought about.

today i studied with a girl from my stats class, but that wasn’t all that scary. what was more scary was planning it yesterday, making a point that i wanted to study today and asking her to text me today. it frustrates me that this scared me. and you know what i honestly believed she wouldn’t text me today. i was really surprised when she did text me.

now here is another thing, tomorrow. tomorrow (night–aka 9:15pm) i have an opportunity to have pizza (read fear food) at a WFA study session. my mom dared me to have a slice. i told here i would think about it. i’m trying not to think too much about it. tips ladies?

well i think that enough of my petty drama for one night. so many giggles from y’alls comments on my silly grocery post, serious smiles, i love that all y’all visit my blogg!

i’ll leave with something do you feel about therapy? i know some of you have talked about it, and i myself went this summer for a short time, i recently looked over some of the things she had given me and realized how in the wrong frame i was when i talked with her, how against it i was, even though i made all the appointments, no one forced me. but lately i’ve been wondering if i need to find myself someone else, so i can truly recover. so what do you think? would you recommend it? (i know this is a lot to ask)

love love.

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” —Shakespeare


19 Responses to “life as it is”

  1. omg can I relate to you! I remember (not that long in the past) fretting over going to social events where I would be put in an eating situation. Oh man did that cause my mind to run at a million miles a minute either trying to figure out a way out of the situation, a good excuse not to eat (something to tell others), or a plan for not eating throughout the day in order to be able to eat at the event. How complicated eating disorders make everyday life events, phew! It’s exhausting really. I say you go for eat. Eat healthy the rest of the day and maybe get a small piece. Sometimes you have to force yourself into uncomfortable things until they seem normal. Try to think logically, what is the worst thing that could happen? You will still be the same person. Try to think of someone else deciding about this process, and see how seemingly silly the whole thing is, you would never want anyone else to have to overthink about food, so why should you?

    As far as therapy goes i FULLY support it. I only went to 2 therapists. Once in my first year of undergrad I saw a free counselor at the university and HATED them, they made me feel like a lab rat. A year later, when I left school, I gladly went to therapy (I was so utterly exhausted with life at this point I would go to any lengths to change my situation). I ended up seeing a psychiatrist first who prescribed me some drugs (which I also support in the right situation), and he recommended me to this old chubby jewish psychologist who I thought would never be able to understand my life, and in the end he ended up turning my life around towards the positive. I think they can really have a tremendous impact, without my doctor I may never have found out how to retrain my brain out of those unending negative thoughts it was constantly streaming to more logical ones (not ALWAYS positive, but only negative when it actually made sense to be negative). Overall, I’m trying to say that sometimes you just have to find the right person for YOU and be in the right mindset to accept the help.
    Sorry this is kind of a run on, but I’m so passionate about giving help to others in hopes that they won’t have to end up as dark as i was for too long


  2. 19? that’s nothing, i had my first gray hair when i was 14! hahaha!

  3. I am so undecided of therapy. I want to go. I SHOULD.. but i feel like.. i dont know, I cant. like I can do it on my own… (can I ??) that is the question which haunts me.
    what do I need? I have no idea.

    wonderful post, dearest emily<3

  4. You ALWAYS make me smile! Grey hairs and a stuffy nose?! .. I think I just pictured my grandma :o Feel better babe ;)

    I know tomorrow sounds terrifying, pizza is a huge fear food for me as well so I can totally relate. I honestly don’t know if I would have the strength to do it :/ Try to look at it in a different way: without ED. Pretend for a minute that calories don’t exist: Do you want it? Would it be an enjoyable dinner option for you or would you rather have something else? It would be an amazing challenge to overcome, but if it is going to add stress and provide you with an unenjoyable dinner, don’t force it.

    As for the therapy, I think it would be worthwhile for you to ‘shop around’. It is so important to find someone you like; I was ready to give up hope until I found my current one (who I absolutely love). I find the concept of therapy makes me really anxious, but once I get there I realize how important it is and I always end up gaining something from our sessions :/

    This is a BEAUTIFUL post from a BEAUTIFUL lady!

    Ps. Curious: What’s in the bowl? You know I’m trying to mix it up and that looks delish!

  5. I think you should do whatever would suit you. Maybe having an outside perspective would help you see things in a different light?

  6. Agh feel better – I am on Robitussin and feeling crappy in Massachusetts, it’s snowing like crazy!

    Tomorrow I pick 3 Zevia Giveaway WINNERS –

  7. I started having very severe panic attacks in Nov. 2007. I went to doctor after doctor, convinced that something was wrong with my heart or brain or entire body, but they found nothing. Finally, I ended up seeing a social worker once a month. That might have helped if I had seen him at a greater frequency. I got worse and I ended up begging and pleading my school’s health services, telling them to please let me see the psychologist, who was very busy. They did an assessment and booked me in every week for a year. I am still seeing her, now every two weeks. Without therapy, I would have flung myself off a building. Oh no, that’s right, without therapy, I became agoraphobic and couldn’t leave my apartment. There was a week that I couldn’t leave my room, and there was a day that I couldn’t leave my bed. Therapy saved my life. Or, is currently saving my life. Drugs were an option, but I took the therapy route, even though it is a long, long, long road. It takes forever but it works the best.

    PS. I just found your blog and I already love it!

  8. Emily, my dear!!
    You’ve got this. I think you should go into that meeting with grace, poise and confidence and show ED who’s boss. If you find that you are too caught up in the moment, close your eyes, breathe and remember, “this piece will not hurt me”– it will only help you feel more accomplished, as it will make the next slice you may encounter that much less fearful.

    love you to pieces, i’m always around to talk :)
    bec xo

  9. Hope you start to feel better!

    I think that therapy can be good if you find the right person…that is key. If you work with someone who doesn’t fit well with you, your personality, your situation then it can backfire. If you can find someone who is reasonable and who you feel comfortable with and feel like you can make progress with, then it can be amazing. Sometimes it helps to have a third party who’s unbiased…unlike family and friends who can be great help, but are not completely detached from your life. Good luck whatever route you choose!

  10. ok first ofa ll, congrats on the A .. you should be proud!! that is awesome :) & i am also not studying when i def should bee. sorry you have a cold..feel better

    ok about the pizza- u have no clue how much i can relatee! like last night, my floor had a pizza party. I debated on whether or not to have a slight & ultimately decided against it. First of all, no one was watching to see if I was eating so i didn’t feel pressured. Second, since i am on a type of weight gain meal plan, I really don’t like to eat foods like pizza that juts make me feel greasy. With that being said, there was another time where I DID eat the pizza in a smaller group setting because I figured it was what ‘normal’ people do and I actually felt really good about myself afterwards. So i say go for it! But, if you truly do not want to.. you should never feel forced.

    & about therapy- i am doing an outpatient program over winter break & although i’m kind of nervous about it, it hink it is absolutely crucial to my recovery. I think you should definitely look into it. There is always a part of us that doesn’t want to let go of ed because ed is sort of a part of us. but where will that get us? probably just unhappiness & unhealthiness & i know that is not what i want. i’m sure it isn’t what you want either :) you can do this!


  11. hey! happy wednesday[: regarding the pizzzzza- i was freaked to have pizza a couple monnths ago… then i had it and ate it THREE DAYS IN A ROW! eep pizzalicious! it was really good and i felt so normal and happy eating it. i used to have a therapist and she was super helpful! i dont know what i would have done without her[: love love love!

  12. I went to my back to school checkup this summer. My weight was pretty low, so my doctor recommended that I see a nutritionist. I saw her two times (which was all I needed) I wanted to get better, and I had to willpower to do so. I kept using her advice until I reached 18.5 bmi (healthy) and you know my current state now… In order to see a nutritionist, most of the time you need a doctor’s referral (at least for mine you did). There is patient/doctor confidentially. So next time you see your doctor, talk to him/her in private… tell him what’s going on, and that you want to see a dietician. You can ask him to tell your mother he recommends that you see one (so it makes it easier to see one on your part) rather than you telling her yourself. If that wouldn’t work, there are many non-profit organizations that offer free nutritional counseling (eating disorder clinics). Also, I know my gym has a dietician on staff. Obviously they were hired to help people loose weight- but they can work both ways; that could be another option (most dietitians are trained for both weight loss and weight gain). If I were you, I would honestly tell your mom what you are going through, and that you need help. She might be shocked/upset, but in the end she will be happy that you are trying to get better. Also, are you in college? You could go to the nurse there, and tell her what’s going on. The nurse there(most of the time) can refer you to a nutritionist(or any other doctor), or give you other resources. I hope this helped! if you EVER need anything, you can email me! (

    This is my future dream/career… I want to be a therapist for girls who have gone through the same thing as me. So I would love to help you in any way that I can! :)

  13. I do recommend therapy – it’s hard to work through this by yourself without professionals who have studied all the behaviors behind disordered eating.

    I love the little snow flakes coming down on your page, they are adorable :)

    Stay healthy and don’t get sick!

  14. i do reccommend therapy as well-sometimes you need an extra push because we have blinded vision..they can see it from the outside looking know? i def think you def wont hurt!! have a great night love!

  15. Oh dear. Being sick is not fun…please feel better!

    As for the pizza…what tip do you want? Just do it. I know, it sounds easier than can be done, but what you’ve got to do is just take it up as a goal, an assignment. It’s just business. Just EAT it. And then, deal with the fear and anxiety. You won’t die. You won’t gain 50 lbs overnight. And you will realize how irrational your fears were.

    Best of luck…I hope you do challenge yourself!

  16. The biggest loser finale was quite addicting. I avoided doing my homework because of it!

    I’ve faced and conquered many fear foods simply by just eating them. I’d look around, seeing all the smiling faces & laughs… why couldn’t I just forget ED and eat the dang food!? I didn’t want to be seen as the ‘sad, predictable, skinny girl’… making others uncomfortable. Ultimately, I put selfish ED away and welcomed the warmth of the atmosphere in instead.

  17. Good for you challenging yourself!! Honestly I hadnt had pizza in soo long, then last week in fact at a friends house i just went in the moment and had a slice, GUESS WHAT!?! I’m still alive, yeah it was hard and i wasnt really happy about it, but it was normal and I did what scared me, go for it! =]
    After 2 years therapy is only starting to grow on me, i was like you just against it, but as i allow myself to be more honest and open (which i admit i still have a lot to work on in that area) the more we can accomplish, and the closer to true peace i can get. I think the key is finding someone you can trust and committing yourself to being honest with whoever that ends up being.
    I wish you the best <3 <3

  18. Feel better soon my love! Colds are rubbish :(

    I love your goal! The pizza challenge sounds a toughy, but I KNOW you can do it. Ok here is something to think about while you are there… pizza isnt bad food! Its a perfect combination of carbs (dough), protein & fats (cheese) and veggies (topping). Would you feel bad about eating a sandwhich with hummus and veggies? There is no difference, only that ED deems pizza to be “unsafe”. Well its a load of bullshit. I went out for pizza in the summer with my mum and sister, and guess what? I woke up the next morning perfectly fine and dandy. I had not ballooned up to the size of a hippo, nor had the world imploded on itself. I promise you, it will be fine. Enjoy your pizza and enjoy the moment :)

    Good luck Emily! Hope it all goes well <3

    xo Hannah

  19. I’ve never been to Therapy but I have wanted to at times. Sometimes its just nice to talk to someone.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: