oh the grinch

In Uncategorized on December 15, 2009 by Emily ( Tagged: , ,

good morning beautiful ladies :) you are all much to kind, i am glad you enjoyed my little video (if you didn’t get to see it, it works now so have some giggles)

well it feels like its been a million years since my last post, and in some ways it really has been. let’s get right down to business: my physicians appointment. well the thing is i’m not that bad, i’m underweight, but truly not that much. i had my blood tested (again), but i haven’t heard anything yet so i’m pretty sure its fine. sure, i said yes to a number of the symptoms she listed [numbness, cold extremities, hair loss, lack of motivation, apathy, chest pain, etc.]. i now have an appointment with the RD on thursday.

the thing is i’m pretty sure i am re-denial-izing myself, i.e. i’ve moved back into a denial state with myself. it’s the fact that i’m not that bad, i’ve never really been that bad, i’ve just been dramatic. i’ve told myself on a few occasions that i’m fooling myself if i really think i have an eating disorder, this is just who i am.

i honestly don’t know what to believe is true. it’s like my feelings are hurt because i am not that bad, i’m mad at myself for not pushing myself to be worse.

i am choosing to believe that this is a load of crap. and it’s just my mind copping out of the work ahead.

enough of that jazz.

on to more exciting things: exams. at the moment i only have two more to go, and after noon i will only have one left. thank goodness this week really is happening, its moving a bit slower than i would prefer, but it is moving :)

&& i totally just realized there are only 10 days till christmas (thank you today show)! my break is going to be quite short this year, since classes start at UC on january 4th, and i think i’m moving into my apartment as soon as january 1st. not going to lie, i am somewhat terrified, but on top of that i am so excited! i have so much to do over break to get ready, i’m going to be busy busy busy!

hope everyone is having a wonderful week & surviving exams or enjoying home :)

you know what for me the grinch will always been the quintessential christmas movie, as we used to watch it every christmas eve at my grandma’s when i was growing up :)

oh the grinch.

is there anything that distinctly reminds you of christmas/the holidays? is there anything you are looking forward to more than anything else?

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.
— Dr. Seuss


15 Responses to “oh the grinch”

  1. Uh, WHOA new layout! Tres mignon!

    Ok dear,
    This denial state that you’re in is ‘normal’ (if there’s such a thing!) I know many times I find myself denying the fact I have an ED… “It’s just who I am, it’s such a big part of me I’m not sure how to live without it”. Truth is, those DELUSIONS prevent us from reaching our goals. When we have thoughts such as those, we must recognize them as delusions and then counteract it with logical thoughts. It’s all brain wiring and training.

    You can do this. WE can do this.
    Thinking about you! You’re alnmost done, yay :)
    bec xo

  2. The Grinch was always a favorite growing up. Haven’t seen it yet this year. Emily: I understand what you are saying.
    Sometimes it becomes a frustrating whirl of: what am I really? Am I playing a part people “tell” me I am…or am I this…or that, etc…its so confusing.
    And oh yes, yes…that all-too-familar thought of “well, I am not really that bad”…now what I do is look at myself and NOT others. What am I? And what is my body? Is it what it can or ought to be? What I desire? Forget the others who seem to eat even less and do 100x more, and yet they do not have to succumb to hunger-less eating or to frustrating appointments. Just focus on the self . Just yourself and no one else.
    Lots of luck on the exams.
    (I added u to my blogroll, hope that is fine :)

  3. I don’t know much about ED’s or the mind games that come with it, but just know that I’m thinking of you and you can get through is. The other girls have some great advice for you. You are doin the right thing by seeing a doc and an RD and by venting it out on here :).

  4. aww em i’m sorry you are dealing with the whole denial issue that sooo many of us deal with! iknow how you feel. i’m ony like 3 pounds underweight right now but the fact of the matter is, it isn’t necessarily about teh number somuch of the mental ability of this disease. it takes over, it controls, and it inhibits. you deserve more. never forget that. & aww ilove the grinch!


  5. I love this grinch and know every word!

    As you get older it makes you appreciate spending time with your family so much more! For instance, I only make it home about 3 times a year :-(

    I am looking forward the MOST to my familys christmas eve tradition: KFC & champagne!!!!

  6. Hey I’m a little bit of a creeper reader and I usually don’t comment, but here goes –
    I know EXACTLY how it feels – not thinking it’s “bad” enough, thinking you’re making a bigger deal out of it than it really is, yadda yadda yadda. In fact, that’s how I felt for 4 years, during which time I was never clinically “underweight” but spent hours and hours doing mental sommersaults in my head about food, exercise, planning meals, etc. In 2008 I went to college and shit hit the fan – however, I’m now starting to understand that waiting until the “catastrophe” and emergency aspect of an eating disorder does not make it any more legitimate than getting help earlier. I still struggle with the thought that I’m “making a bigger deal” out of it than is reality, because “I wasn’t sick for years, I didn’t get rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, bla bla bla…”, but those are just excuses for not getting help. Some other thoughts that plague(ed) me were “this isn’t an ED, it’s just anxiety/OCD”… but who cares? Why does it matter?
    The fact is, if food, exercise, and obsessive thought about those things invade either your mind or your daily functioning, then it deserves attention. Period. No matter what the cause, symptoms, or results.
    Good luck – it sounds like you’re really thinking about what would be best, which is a positive. Feel free to get in touch –
    Wow. that was rather preachy. Haha I didn’t mean to come off like that. I might have been convincing myself of some of those things too….

  7. Those Home Alone movies always remind me of Christmas. Or, yes, the Grinch. My favourite Christmas movie of all time!

    The part of you that doesn’t think you’re sick enough to get better is the part of you that everyone is trying to get rid of, because that’s the part of you that ISN’T the real you. I hope that makes sense.
    You mightn’t be “far” from healthy, but that doesn’t mean you’re healthy yet. You need to reach that healthy mark, before you can begin to make really rational choices and decisions.
    Who am I to talk, though, I’m in the exact same position as you are!

    Each day is a new day, and with a new day brings new opportunities to better ourselves and to take that next step forward.

    Good luck, and all the best.

    Eleanor. xo

  8. Sorry to hear you’re struggling:( The fact that I learned (which might help you too) is that the number is not the determining factor of the disease….it’s the mental state that you exist in……you don’t have to lose a certain amount of weight to suffer from a horrendous eating disorder that can affect every aspect of your life. But, even with a minimal weight loss, there are SO many physical side effects that you might not even realize for awhile….as I am just learning at age 28 and want to start thinking about starting a family…..there may be fertility issues, heart problems, the list goes on. So, no matter what your symptoms and side effects right now, if it’s consuming even part of your day then it needs to be addressed and it’s great that you are getting help for it! A step in the right direction FOR SURE! I think sometimes we lose sight of “how bad” we are because there is always someone we can point to who weighs less or who eats less or is what we deem to be “worse.” Trust your family and those around you who are supportive-they can be the rational voice in life when things aren’t all that clear. I wish you only the best! If you ever need to talk, feel free to shout out:)

  9. Whether you are having physical symptoms or not of an ED, the biggest issue that I can see right now is your emotional well-being. Perhaps instead of guaging things by physical symptoms, take a look at your inner symptoms. I was never underweight (got close to it), but I had many of the same emotional issues you are dealing with. The only way I was able to break through my disordered thoughts were to listen to my family and talk to them about how I was feeling. I’m not sure what the answer is for you, but I do know that if you are willing to put in the work to beat ED, SOOOO much happiness awaits you! :)

  10. I was once where you were, in a state of denial. Once you realize what’s REALLY going on, you get motivation to improve and get healthier. Sometimes it’s immediate and other times it takes a bit of time.

    I hope the week speeds up for ya, I’m hoping the same for myself! :)

    I’m looking forward to laughing and not having to worry about anything over the holidays – just being with my family and, well…BEING!

    lots of love

  11. You just have to look Denial in the eye and punch him in the face. Just because he’s down doesn’t mean he’s dead, so continue to beat him up. You have to get rid of Denial. I promise, you’ll lead a much happier/healthier life without him

    He sucks.

  12. girlfrand-you are awesome. end of story.
    get rid of DENIAL for real, face the facts, you will feel so much stronger and more relieved.. i know you can do it girl!

  13. This is way too funny…I’m listening to “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” right now! Wahahah! :D

    Ok. Emily. WAKE UP! this is totally ED talking. The fact that you already think you are “normal” proves that you are NOT normal. Girl, ED is not just a physical thing…that’s just the MINOR aspect of it! It’s all mental, and it is so clear that you ARE having eating disordered issues. So what if you don’t have a 11 BMI? Do you really WANT that? How much more misery for you do you need to “prove” to yourself that you DO need to fight? My dear, please don’t fall into this trap…

    There. I needed to say it. I’m sorry if I sounded harsh. But I think deep down, you already know. You KNOW logically that what you’re FEELING is irrational. You say you’re in denial of ED, but I think the more accurate word is that you’re in denial of recovery. Because, come on, recovery is a freaking bitch. It’s tough. It’s not a pleasant road. And ED HATES any thoughts of entertaining true and complete recovery. Please, be STRONG with yourself. Learn to differentiate which thought is TRUTH, which thought is the evil lies and deceit of ED. And then, choose the right path, and just STICK to it, no questions. That is the key to success…to never again let the same lies trip you up again.

    Best of luck, Emily! You’re a strong, intelligent girl, and I know you can fight this!!

  14. I can relate 100% to the way you are feeling. I constantly think that I am not quite sick enough to have a real problem, and that I don’t need therapy, or meal plans or even weight gain. Sure, I’m underweight, but it’s not that bad. Sometimes I feel like I have to lose more and get sicker in order to be worthy of recovery. It’s totally messed up… and although we can’t stop from feeling this way, we need to recognize these thoughts and try to ignore them.
    You can do this girl! You are such an amazing person, you deserve to live life of ultimate happiness – and that means health too! Keep your guard up against ED and his stupid manipulative ways… you deserve to be on this journey and that is that :P

    The Grinch is my ALL-TIME fav Christmas holiday special ;) Both the cartoon and the real life one! I watch it every single year – Christmas just wouldn’t be the same without it.. non?


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