In Uncategorized on December 23, 2009 by Emily ( Tagged: , ,

good afternoon lovely ladies. i feel as though i have fallen off the map a bit, been a bit preoccupied…

so let’s see today is wednesday, which means tomorrow is christmas eve. i’ll warn you, i’m not feeling very positive at the moment, actually i have no idea how i’m feeling at the moment.

well, monday i had a piece of pizza. and before you go being all supportive, let me say that it didn’t go well. there were tears, and my feelings were hurt even before we got to the pizza. it began with the salad, there was fetta on it, and i didn’t realize it came with fetta, so i simply said that, “i didn’t realized it had fetta on it” and my dad seemed to snap at me saying fetta’s good for you, you can eat it, and what not. this sent me upstairs to attempt to cool off, as it really hurt my feelings, i found myself pretty fragile as i was nervous about the pizza. so i came back down, everyone was already sitting down, and i realized i had become a scene. i didn’t participate in conversation, and i took as long as i could before getting a piece of pizza. i felt like such a fool. i got the smallest piece there was and didn’t eat the crust. i am so embarrassed to post this. after dinner i went back to my room and my dad confronted me about the fetta.

i feel like i have become a burden to my family. it seems like they look at me with such confusion.

and then there is today. i’m at a loss for today. i just feel blank, empty. and christmas eve is tomorrow. i think i’m just at a point where i have no idea what to do with myself. i can’t think of anything for myself to say. i’m scared.


21 Responses to “lost”

  1. Emily, you can email me or even call me if you need to talk. I care about you and hate to hear that you’re blue… I know what you’re going through and it’s very difficult. I’m here for you.

  2. oh honey, i’m so sorry that you’re having a hard time. i know the holidays can be hard but we can do it, stay strong and get through it. email me if you want; i’m always here for you


  3. I’ve totally done this before. About 3 years ago when Andrew and I were dating, he would try and prepare meals for me. I literally would run out of the room like you did and sob so hard into a pillow – mad as hell at him for making me eat whatever butter or oil or cheese he’d put in the meal. He kept pushing me to eat it and basically helped me realize the world wouldn’t end if I did. It took another year for me to start being ok with eating his meals. Now look at me. I eat without any real concerns. I really fear my advice may be annoying at this point to you, so please feel free to skip over my comment. I just feel like if you put the focus on whatever the real meaning of Christmas is for you, the food issue will hopefully not seem as big. I’m not sure if you pray, but in my experience, every prayer I’ve ever prayed at Christmas time has come true. Your family loves you and they only want to see you happy, so instead of feeling ashamed or embarassed about the feta cheese incident, look at it as your family only wishing that you could find happiness in sitting down to a dinner with them. My hope is that you cheer up and enjoy this Christmas, my dear! :)

  4. Hey Emily,

    I have never commented before, but I just wanted to tell you that my heart goes out to you. I know how you’re feeling right now and it is so tough. Don’t be scared – you have a lot of people rooting for you in the blog world, myself included, and I know you are strong enough to get through this.

  5. Emily, Emily, EMILY,
    YOU could never be a burden to anyone. So, I think your first step is to dismiss that thought. I think the next step is to talk to yourself (heh). Literally challenge your thoughts and try and justify them.. I find when I try, I usually get stuck because I realize I’m over exaggerating or making assumptions. And you know I’m here for you and thinkin about ya :)

  6. Sweet Emily
    I wish I were there to give you a gentle hug…it could do me good as well.
    I have in the past been in the position of the exact same feelings…and hurt by snide remarks from others…or stares…feeling so “out there”,,unable to blend it…
    a title of my life
    i 24-7 know i have lost myself…lost myself..and not sure how to get back…and then realizing that i will not get back…so instead i have to live in the very hour of the very day…and be who i am at that moment…
    snide comments…misunderstanding…feeling foolish…i know it all
    but you are not a fool…it is just your mind being unkind to you is all…people do not appreciate the hardships of mental afflictions like depression or eating disorders or anything….they too often think they are some symbol of a silly person…crazy
    not true…its a true legit issue…for example depression should never be undermined, etc…
    i just relate to your title and everything…just lost…often unsure of “how i feel”…just sometimes no feeling…
    really admire you emily…i know my blog is strange-ish and stuff, sporadic…but your beauty and posts are wonderful for me…if you ever need to talk i am here also :)

  7. You are most definitely not a burden to your family. It’s just a bump in the road, you will get through it! I have faith in you!!!!

  8. oh dear, this well…sucks. holidays can be so much more difficult with ed around. you can get through this though, i promise. remember, it’s a disorder. it’s not just a phase or something simple like that…tell your family that and maybe they’ll get it a little better. or maybe they already know this. either way, know that they are only concerned for your well-being. it’s okay to feel sucky, but know that feeling sucky over feta cheese and pizza is irrational, and it’s the ed talking. when you’re having thoughts like that, realize them and let them go. don’t act on them. there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re not crazy. it’s a disorder and you WILL get through it. i’ll be sending you all my love and best wishes. enjoy the holiday! each moment only comes once, and none should be spent suffering because of ed.

  9. I totally know what you mean about feeling like a burden to your family, I often feel the same way. Just remember that your family loves you and wants the best for you, no matter how frustrating the process can get.

    Please try to be positive, as it is the holidays and you want to enjoy yourself, right?!

    lots of love!
    hang in there.

  10. Awww my baby, I just want to jump over the ocean and give you a great big hug!

    Dont beat yourself up about this.
    Situations like the one you were in are HARD, theres no denying it, and for what its worth I’m really proud of the way you handled the confrontation. You could have just refused to eat the pizza altogether. You could have left the table and not come back. You could have kicked up a huge scene (these are all familar scenarios for me). But you didn’t. You sucked it up and tried your best. So even if it didnt go as smoothly as you’d hoped – you got through it. Recovery is full of little tests like this. They suck big time, but serve a purpose (though I know it wont feel like that now).

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling down at the moment lovie. Please know that I’m always here if you want someone to talk to, and I truly mean that. I want you to enjoy yourself this holiday – you deserve it!
    Your strength is amazing and even over the past few weeks I can feel a difference in how much you have grown emotionally as an individual. Keep trucking onwards, beautiful girl. it will be worth it in the end, I promise.

    All my love <3
    Hannah xo

  11. i used to feel like that. my mom would yell at me if i wasn’t sayin ganything saying i was COUNTING calories. or like WHY CNA” TYOU BE NORMAL….

    so i totally feel you. but you aren’t a burden, no matter what they say. you’re here for a reason, and you bring joy to everyone in the world! =D

  12. aww girl hugs your way!!
    im so sorry girl- sometimes parents just dont understand and they LOVE you no matter what, even when you dont feel like it
    hang in there, tommo=a NEW day and a NEW outlook!

  13. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having a rough time. :( If there’s any way that I can provide support AT ALL, whether it’s being on the receiving end of some rant-filled emails or messaging you funny youtube videos of cute animals, just let me know.
    When I have a craptastic day I try to comfort myself by saying that because today was awful tomorrow automatically has to be better. I really hope that’s the case for you! Hang in there.


  14. Aw I’m sorry you had a rough day hun. =/ try to look at it like this: you didnt want the pizza and it terriefied you but you had some of it, you did the best you could in that moment. Your family probably is confuesed/worried, but so are you, this is such a ricky disease, nobody can really go through it or watch somebody strugle and not be confused. I relate to your feelings though, when I was in the begining of recovery that was how I felt every day. Just try to remember that
    Your not a burden to you family!!! This is all apart of growing up, and growing as a family, there will be bumps in the road but THAT IS OK! =]
    Sending your hugs! Today is a NEW DAY EMBRACE IT!
    Feel free to email me/ FB me if you need anything, or just someone to vent at! =D

  15. Hun I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling. But you know what? Even though there were shed tears and a scene, you STILL had a piece of pizza… and even if it was the smallest one, that’s a victory in itself. Recovery is never going to be a walk in the park… it’s full of tears and struggles, and that’s normal and OK. Focus on the small things instead of the big picture; take one day at a time… one moment at a time. Shift your focus to the challenges you manage to overcome… you’ll see there are a lot of them.

    You are NOT a burden. You are a beautiful girl and your family loves you. The ED is the burden, and it’s much more of a burden for you than for your family. Stay strong and enjoy your holidays because you deserve no less.

  16. honey. ED is the burden. not you. you are your familys ray of light.. their joy. they want you to smile and enjoy a peice of pizza with them. dont beat yourself up, love. You deserve every crust of pizza<3
    I am sending you so much love and joy.
    happy christmas.

  17. There is NO shame in what happened, and there is NO reason you should feel like you are a burden whatsoever… I have lots of trouble with this myself due to my very low self-esteem, I end up thinking that I am completely worthless and no one in the room could possibly want me there. This is WRONG: ED is a dirty rotten liar, and quite frankly I don’t think you can invite him to Christmas :P

    You are such an amazing girl, and have come so far on your journey! – A week and a half ago you felt defeated by the presence of pizza but this time you were in it to win it ;)

    Your family loves you more than ED lets you believe. You are a strong, unique, beautiful human being who deserves an amazing Christmas!

    Much brighter days lay ahead ;)

  18. I am so sorry that you feel this way…know that you are never a burden. your family loves you and you have all the support in the world (here and home). we all face bumps in the road but tomorrow is a new day. stay strong, dont let this one bump deter you from recovery and reaching your goals. just remember how much everyone loves you, no matter how things appear to you, its true they do. i hope you have an amazing christmas, you deserve it.

  19. emily try your very hardest to stay strong. i am so proud of you for even trying to eat the pizza successfully- it won’t be easy but i promise it will get easier. it is hard for your family becuase they can’t truly understand what we go through, but i know you will get through this. keep trucking & keep doing the little things that add up :) happy holidays


  20. girlie don’t beat yourself up at all. everyone will have those days. your family loves you regardless!!

  21. Hey! I have been through the same crap, just so you know. It’s so hard for me to be home and know that my dad doesn’t understand why I like to eat regularly scheduled healthy meals. Sometimes he will load on mayo on my sandwich, or add extra cheese when I don’t want it. I always feel so awkward about picking it off, but I just don’t want it. I need to have some control over what I eat, which I LOVE to cook! I guess it my way of staying strong in recovery.
    I hope you are feeling strong today and that you had a great Christmas. Some times I hate recovery, because I get so scared being inside my own head. And sometimes I love it, because I have learned so much about myself and am so aware of the thoughts in my head. However you feel like looking at it…it is HARD.
    Just wanted to add another voice to the comments saying that you are not alone.

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