In Uncategorized on December 31, 2009 by Emily ( Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,

here we go. its time to look at 2009. i’ll warn you, it’s not going to be pretty. if i had to describe this year in 3 words: unhappy, eating, disorder.

sometimes i look at my journal, usually to see how stupid i was, or how i attempted to write out my feelings. it serves as an indulgence, i think i’m indulging in self-centered-ness. but i think this is the first time i have been scared to look at my journal. why? well for one nearly everything scares me at least a little bit these days, and that i’m not just going to ignore the words.

January: new years felt like a binge-cookies, dip, sugary alcohol, 4 of us just sitting around. i beat myself up for that. i was still heavy at that point, but i was vegetarian. my journal: “i love being vegetarian. it makes me something. i am vegetarian. i am skinnier too. it sort of rocks a lot. a lot. a lot.” everyone i knew, knew that i was vegetarian. i told everyone, looking back i must have sounded like fool. & i visited the nutritionist, she recommended i visit CAPS. i think i was flattered in a way, but i ignored her, i was still heavy.

February: valentine’s day stands out for me. i called my sister to wish her a happy birthday and ended up balling desperately asking my mom to pick me up so i didn’t have to spend the day alone at school. but, that wasn’t an option so i spent most of the day at starbucks. i told myself that i could accept who i was and how my body was. i was alone, and i felt it. i think i nearly binged on oatmeal raisin cookies the next day which caused me to flip out. i decided the next week “i can be a vegetarian runner in business”

March: i don’t remember march. nothing specific happened, i think i spent a lot of time running, doing 8-minute abs, researching diets, searching calories and nutrition facts. i avoided going out, i was full of excuses. i did go down to south caroline to visit my friend on spring break, i had a good time but as soon as they ordered chocolate cake i bitched out, there was no way on earth i was having a bite.

April: more of march’s doings, had a mini breakdown walking home from going out to eat. i started making plans on what i was going to do differently, while trying to accept that this was my life. little 500 happened (the greatest college weekend) thank god i ran into 2 of my friends outside, because i spent the weekend with them. at one drunk point i considered out loud that i might have an eating disorder. but there was little discussion about it, so i just ignored it.

May: my birthday, hell. during finals week. i treated myself to starbucks oatmeal for breakfast, i really wanted just to spend the day there. but i was demanded to come back to my dorm to have lunch with my “friends” in the dining hall, they thought it was really special that we all got to eat the shit food together. i was not amused. at one point they joked about getting me a cake, but they knew i wouldn’t eat it, and i decided even if they thought i would eat the cake they would have never gotten it for me. i did bake myself a cake when i got home from school, strawberry with cream cheese frosting. i had a small slice.
i also started work in an office. in my mind i was sitting on my butt all day. i thought every night i needed to be at the gym to make up for sitting at work.

June: more work. but it was getting harder for me to actually work out, time was slipping away and i was tired, so i got pissed. i did cut down, but i also started finding any reason i could to take walks at work, i found stairs to walk up, i researched more diet information. (by this point i was eating meat again).
i took a road trip with my two oldest friends. i was miserable, and was beginning to realize that i didn’t think like other people, that i cared about different things. i fell down the stairs and had another breakdown.

July: i ran the hyde park blast (4 miles) sure i walked more than i wanted to, but i ran most of it. the last few hundred yards my chest was dying. i couldn’t even manage to find anything at the blast worth eating after the race. still working about 35 hour weeks. i did become enthralled with yoga :)

August: my mom and i talked about how i needed to change, and how she was scared for me to go back to school. i tried out some therapy, but this woman convinced me i was fine, i just had some perfectionist issues.
then i went back to school. i had the most desperate night of my life. i called my mom and told her to pick me up, i didn’t want to do school at indiana, i needed to be home, i couldn’t be there. i spent hours sobbing, begging my mom and dad to pick me up. they told me i could do this, it would make me stronger. i think i cried for 2 days, i just hurt.

September: i realized i could get plenty of exercise walking around campus, i walked everywhere and always took the stairs, even the 10 flights up to my room. i think i went out once, and the night didn’t end well. [which puts my number of times going out for the semester to be 2]

October: decided to transfer officially. started to blog (i think).

November: thanksgiving, prepared to leave. did my school work. attempted to entertain myself, fighting between the conflict of wanting to hang out with people, while telling myself that i had lost the ability to relate to people, telling myself that no one would want to hang out with me, and that i couldn’t face the anxiety of hanging out with other people.

December: went to CAPS.

so that was my year. and its been all about me in my head. what i’ve done, what others have done to me. what i did wrong, what i’ve chosen to eat and not eat, how i’m unhappy. sure this year wasn’t easy, i faced a lot of things i had never faced before. i was rejected from some clubs, i was without a best friend at school. my life had changed. and all i saw was that i had gained weight in the first semester and i was going to loose it to bring things back to normal. i put every ounce of this on myself. and though i’ve tampered with the idea of “getting better” i’ve wanted to do it under the condition of staying thin. {i’m short, i should be thin <–one of Ed’s fiercest weapons, i often remember that i was heavy, Ed has so much pride in the fact that i have actually lost weight since january}.
i spent the first half of the year getting thin, and the rest of the year desperately trying to stay that way, the meanwhile isolating and berating myself. Ed made me a little bubble, a bubble i’ve been expecting and waiting for someone else to pop.

i have yet to trust that i am enough.

this year i am starting at a new school. in a new apartment. with new roommates. new classes. new people. sure, i’m scared shitless. but i can be happy. you can be happy. because: WE ARE ALL ENOUGH.

this year i am planning to embrace the fact that i have the ability to be human. as tonight i am going to a party, i have no idea what the night will bring, all i know is that i have some wine and old friends.

care to join me?

“Life is too important to be taken seriously.” — Oscar Wilde


20 Responses to “2009”

  1. what a year, my friend – for both of us!

    Just look how far you’ve come, you are stronger and more amazing than you even know. Keep fighting into the new year!

    Happy New Year :)

  2. 2 things, I love Oscar Wilde and I love you!!

    You are such a great woman and I will be there in spirit tonight rasising my glass with u my dear!

  3. Make 2010 a step towards healthy living!

  4. This post was so powerfully written, Emily. And so strikingly honest.
    I’d say this year, 2009, has been a equipping year for you. You had to go through all that struggles and dreadful experiences, so that you are well-equipped for a much better year this 2010. I think next year will be great. I KNOW you’ll be stronger and wiser because of 2009, and it will show in 2010.

    Rock on!

  5. emily-sounds like youve had a trialsome have become so much stronger bc of it! 2010 will be AWESOME for you.. you will be able to use you struggles from 2009 to conquer 2010!

  6. No one can pop ED’s little bubble but you, and you are absolutely right. The time is now. Looking at the past year, what has ED brought you? Thinness? Yes, but also pain, anxiety and isolation. Fun stuff right? ;)
    I suppose I could try to spin your year into some sort of positive thing, but I’m not gonna lie (making like Honest Abe here) – It seems as though you’ve had one freakin’ tough year. Luckily it seems things can only go one way, and that way is up! Plus after all these trials you have the strength and wisdom to tackle anything that comes your way.


  7. Thank you so much for sharing this Emily. I can’t even begin to tell you how close to home this hits for me.

    You have been through one tough year! I am so impressed by your realizations and honesty in regards to getting better. You are on the right track for 2010, and although there will be inevitable bumps along the way, I have total faith that you will rise up a stronger, more courageous and confident human being than you ever thought possible.

    I would be concerned if you weren’t scared for the new life waiting for you in the year to come, Uncertainty is a bitch, but it is also exciting if we can learn to embrace it. You are going to thrive in your new school environment! There really is no need to worry – You are such an amazing individual, and there are so many wonderful things waiting for you!


    Happy New Year! (Good luck at the PARTY.. not that you need it!)

  8. Emily, this is a beautiful beautiful post. I feel so happy to consider you a “friend”. You are truly a great person.
    I know you have a lot of daunting challenges ahead…but remember to breathe and live in that moment…when you eat – just eat…when you study – just study…when you talk to friends – just talk…do not get too far ahead with worry,,and do not anxiously regret the “before”.
    I am so glad for you that you went out. It is always worth the effort, worth it if you smile or laugh even once or twice.
    Have a beautiful day.
    I hope that when you DO start school , you still have time for all us bloggie friends …no pressure though :)

  9. I hope you enjoyed your night girl! I really wish you the best in this new year, you deserve it and seem motivated to get it! This has been an extremly rought year for you, thank you for your honesty in posting about it, and I only pray that you take every lesson you can get out of this year and run with them! Translate them into something usefulm, something that will make this year that much more enjoyable!! Keep up all your strong efforts girl!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

  10. You are so strong. I agree with all of the above comments that your struggles have only made ya a stronger person. Here’s to a year full of surprises, joy, health, and love. Hope you have an excellent day!

    p.s. I was so happy to read that you do the peppermint pig too!!

  11. What a great post. You had a difficult year but I hope that 2010 brings you happiness and less anxiety.

  12. Aww hun I’m sorry to hear about your struggles in the past year. But you made it through, and you’re a stronger person now than you were going into 2009. That alone will give you a better ability to make 2010 a better year.

    Stay strong, love… and happy new year :)

  13. sounds like a tough year. thogh i never completely isolated myself, i have a simliar pattern in behavior and began to spiral downwards around the same time as you. I am so excited for your fresh start at UC and i really can’t wait to hear about it! I’m sure you will do great & i really feel like this is your year to get happy & healthy.
    happy new year


  14. Wow Emily, your journey this year has been incredible. Its amazing the progress you have made in terms of where you are emotionally and psychologically now – you’re entire mindset has turned around – the real Emily is shining through, and she is beautiful!

    2009 has certainly been a tough year for many of us, but I have no doubt that your courage and strength will enable you to do such great things in this new year we have been blessed with. A year for living! Wishing you health, happiness, and all that you dream for!

    I am so glad to have found your blog :)
    Hannah xo

    ps. your baking yesterday looks amazing!

  15. Darling,
    You are such a strong, beautiful person– inside and out. Try and look at experiences from this past year as lessons learned. Everything happens for a reason. You deserve all the joy, health and love in the world. Here’s to a fabulous and brighter 2010!

    <3 rebecca

  16. This was a great post to help us learn more about you and your background. Thank you for sharing. You are so honest and as a reader, I really appreciate that. I hope that 2010 is YOUR year to become the healthiest you can be – INSIDE and out. Happy New Year!! :)

  17. Inspirational :D

    Last year wasn’t the best for me either but it’s all about overcoming your problems and ED’s can be overcome!

    Thank you for reminding us all that we are enough :)

    Happy New Year!

  18. sorry to hear that 2009 was such a rough year :[ I hope 2010 is a great year for you. Your right; we are all good enough :)

  19. What an incredible journey you took this year. I love the message you leave us with: we are all enough. Damn right, we are more than enough, we are amazing just because we are who we are! I hope 2010 is your best year yet.

  20. look how far youve come, dear girl <3
    you are STRONG. WISE. BEAUTIFUL. and able to accomplish SO much more :)
    so many WONDERFUL things to come in the new year. I know it. xoxo

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