happy hump day my beautiful people! i hope its warmer where you are, because it’s painfully cold here. i’m chilled to my bones, even though my mom says i’m too young for that.
well i went home yesterday. ridiculous i know, ha but one of my friends was leaving for school today, and she was picking up her jeans just a few exits away so she came by and grabbed me. its just so easy being so close to home. can you hear the smile in my voice?? i got to sleep in a warm room & just had to get up at 630 for my dad to drop me off on his way to work. only bummer was that i left my new tj spicy hummus at home. but no worries, i can nearly guarantee i’ll be back soon to rescue it :)
& yes my friend and i stopped by trader joe’s, its right across the street from the alternation place. all my idea. guilty as charged. i got some dried apricots, pomegranate greek yogurt {um delicious, hello!!}, spicy hummus, && INDIAN; by the way i tried it in the store [step forward Ed tells me this is notttt okay, he’s wrong]
the sample t'was delicious, i just had to buy it
today has just been spent going to my 2 classes. easy peasy.
one thing though–i got “caught” calorie counting. well, not really caught per say, but i was questioned & my answer was “oh, it’s nothing”, “no big deal”, “really don’t worry about it”
:(
how embarrassing. part of me just wanted to explain the whole thing (Ed and all) when we walked back to the apartments, another part of me planned to lie and say i was balancing my expenses if he happened to ask about it again. i’m pretty sure neither option is the way to go. i’m glad it didn’t come up again. has this ever happened to you? & down to the root of it, calorie counting? ugghh!
to be honest today after my afternoon snack Ed told me i was done. done for the day. no one would know, i could just crawl into bed. i get pissed at myself for having these thoughts, but i allow them to happen. i have yet to find my spark to change.
aside from that jazz i’m all by my lonesome in my apartment at the moment [cougar town is on tonight with lisa kudro!! friends mini reunion, except not really, but i don’t care, i’m still excited!!]
want to see my place?? sure you do :)
my side of the room (my bed is so tall, definitely takes some climbing to get into, hah)
the kitchen!
did i tell you that a majority of my stuff was food?
top of my desk, just some happy things
well time to have a snack so i’m off :) hope everyone has a lovely night!!
emily finds funny 
It’s marvelous to hear about your time at home and how happy it made you. What’s not marvelous is the calorie counting. I’ve definitely been flipping through a notebook searching for a piece of blank paper and I’ve come across my numbers. It’s humiliating. I’m happy to say that those days are over, but I still come across old notebooks and have myself a little pity party for the past. at least it’s the past!! not the present. and soon soon soon you will look back at this past and be proud of how far you will have come.
I’m a sucker for Whitman.
Much love.
All of your TJ finds sound so good! I’ll have to keep my eye out for that Indian meal-yum!! :)
Oh, my goodness. I used to do that all the time. I confess, i still do it but just well, i don’t want to tell you what I do so you won’t do it! Anyhow, I used to make up the same excuses when I got caught adding things up on paper like that, but now a days I think I’ve gotten away from it. :)
I hope you had something after that snack!
your apt is cute too!
Oh Emily…where do i start..u are one of my favorite bloggers….first off, eat up…u say it SO REAL….the calories added up on the notebook…the desire to turn off the lights and forget the world…u are not alone…keep fighting off the other thoughts that ruin life…
your apartment is AMAZING: i am stunned…
wish i could write as openly as u on my blog…too afraid…instead i come up with silly random posts that mean very little in the long run…i am afraid to put myself “out there” or have people i know read it and judge…or afraid to be that negative mindset (for me it could be bad)..anyway, relax girl…breathe :)
Love your apartment! Yummie Indian finds :)
your apartment looks really nice, emily!! & ok a couple things to say about this post- 1) sounds like you are adjusting really well at school so yay!! & im glad you tried some samples in the store.. you are totallly allowed. 2) ugggh i hate calories sldfskj. i do that ALL THE TIME. i will be bored in class, so what else is there to do but start adding calories right? i am truly working on developing new habits so that calorie counting is what i turned to. i hate how literally every food i eat has a number associated with it.. i know exactly how you feel.
keep nourishing your body though, you truly need it. i know you can do it, love! :)
xoxox
shelley
http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com
I loved getting a tour of your room… Like MTV’s Cribs, but Emily style! When I was little I had to use a chair to vault into my “big girl bed,” so I understand the feeling of having to climb into bed. ;)
Ooh I’ve had that scenario go down far too many times, and it never becomes any less awkward or embarrassing. All the more reason to get healthier and make calorie counting a thing of the past, I suppose.
Rachael*
Numbers, my sweet, only numbers! Keep telling yourself that. Keep telling yourself that numbers are numbers, just as food is food. A number is no indication of “good” or “bad”, just as certain foods are neither “good” nor “bad”. You need all the nourishment you can get, regardless of what ED says. Ed knows nothing – it is using YOUR brain as a means to calculate calories. You can keep YOUR mind to yourself – push him out! There’s no place for ED there, only Emily’s thoughts.
Be good to body, and your body will be good to you. You deserve a healthy, happy life, free of ED and the obsessions with calories and food.
You have a really cute room! It’s always good to have little pictures and momentos – things that make you smile :)
Love,
Eleanor. xo
I used to calorie count a lot. But now, I don’t feel that I need to. I use “exchanges” for my meal plan, which is a different way of counting I guess but its less tedious. I agree with Eleanor though, numbers don’t mean shit! ED is a total liar. I’m proud of you for disobeying him lately.
Have a great day love!
–Lexi
love the kitchen!
I love your pics. Good job on giving Ed the smackdown. :)
ok first off i am in love with the fact that you quoted walt whitman, he is phenomenal. my dorm room was set up EXACTLY like yours and i pretty much had to get a running start to hurl myself on to my bed, it was on lifts so high. i admit: i still count calories every day. it is a total remainder from my ED, and it is a really hard thing to break out of, but i hope one day soon i’ll be fully ready to leave it behind. your excuse about balancing your expenses was kinda brilliant, not to encourage you or anything ;)
painfully cold here, too
Its cold-to-the-bones cold here too :(
Its so cool you get to go home when you want to! But I love your new place. The kitchen looks great, and I love your bed :)
I feel you on the calorie counting too. Sometimes I get caught going off in day dreams when I’m mentally adding up numbers in my head and someone will be trying to talk to me but I’ll have completely switched off. Ughh. An ED therapist once told me that when your at a healthy weight you become less preoccupied with caloriies/numbers/food etc, so these symptoms gradually go away. So heres hoping!
Keep warm lovie! Lots of love <3
Hannah xo
I am not impressed with this winter either :o I have to huddle under the blankets for like ten minutes every day when I get home :P
Your new place looks awesome! I am so glad to see that you are settling in so well. See.. you had NOTHING to fear ;D You really need to get away from the counting my friend… I know all too well how hard it is, and truthfully I still struggle. BUT, I have made some major progress… and let me tell you it feels like a giant boulder has been lifted from my shoulders!
Now that you are on your own, you have a RESPONSIBILITY to yourself to stop making excuses.. and to stop skipping meals. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh… I just see so much of my own problems in your posts and I know I would benefit from this little nip in the butt :P
You are such a beautiful girl!
xox
Tat
Yeah, embarrassingly enough I used to do those little counts on the side of my notebooks when I was bored in class, whatever- I was going through a lot of my old school binders/papers the other day to clear some space in my closet and it was pathetic how frequently I cam across those- it really is a relief to get those habits done with….if one thing, having an ED gave me some very sharp mental math skills ;)
Nice kitchen btw :)
Eeep poor girl!… That can be totally embarrassing. I find myself counting calories a lot at school, but I tend to do them in my head and avoid writing them down… only my immediate family know about most of my odd habits, and that’s simply because it’s hard to hide it from people who are constantly around.
Try and find that spark tho, hun… those thoughts won’t go away for a while, but you can’t give in to them. It will become easier, I promise…
xoxo
your room is so cute!! i have counted calories before during class..but i TRY to stay away from counting..try not to write it down because then it turns into obsessive! (been there!) and make sure you are open and flexible to your new schedule! its OKAY if you dont work out 2 days in a row :) :) promise!
It must be so nice to live so close to home! I’m glad you got to sleep in your own warm, cozy bed ;)
I’ve never actually wrote down my calories, but I kind of add them in my head sometimes, a rough estimate at least.
Love your apartment!
Keep those ED thoughts at bay, girl — you are too good for him :)
xoxo
Hee, I’m glad to hear you smiley and happy. :-)
I used to count calories all the time, but have not done so in a long, long time….But I used to have a special notebook for it…actually, Korea sold this notebook SPECIFICALLY for calorie-counting, and I used to jot down on it daily! How neurotic is that?
i’m in awe of your kitchen! i only have one that size in my dreams. :)
glad you had the sample at tj’s – those samples are one of my favorite parts of shopping there! they make waiting in the insane nyc line just a bit better. i have absolutely been there with the voice telling you not to eat it, how weak you are because of it, all of that – but of course you know, it is one bite. it will make no difference in the end, except that you might have missed out on something delicious. keep fighting the fight – it gets easier the farther along you go, i promise.
happy weekend, emily!
i so wish I could get into a TJ’s.. if you are ever near one, we should totes do a bloggy exchange. TJS look too bomb for words, and I must try some of their goods.
your appartment is beautiful girly.
the majority of my stuff is food too. haha.
love you <3
ahh love that TJ meal. TJ just has the best everything!
Good morning darling!
Remember every time ED creeps in and tries to have a word, you can CHOOSE to shoo it away. Leave me a video instead to distract yourself :)
I know I’ve been MIA but I’m thinking about and routing for you, always!
love love love
bec xo
p.s. the apartment is soo cute!