In Uncategorized on January 24, 2010 by Emily (

okay, so remember when i said i was determined to make yesterday a happy saturday. i think that determination wore off. at one point i just sat in the corner of my closet.

i know that days like yesterday happen, i know they can’t really be avoided. i also know that i don’t do a good job dealing with them. nothing horrific happened yesterday, but i decided to cut my intake. i didn’t exactly realize what i was doing until after dinner when i wanted a heart thrive and that was apparently out of the question. i was definitely behind at that point and i decided there was no way i could make it up. so what did i do? i went and hopped on the elliptical. only 20 minutes, but still. i knew i was doing it for the wrong reasons, but i just told myself i was bored and the only real movement i had done was yoga.
real reason—i had no idea what i was going to be doing last night.
it was after that, that i sat in the corner.

i eventually texted my friend and asked if i could come over (she was supposed to text me when they started drinking, therefore i didn’t think i could go over till she texted me). so i went over and everyone is sitting around drinking. me = confused. & then she didn’t ask if i wanted anything. so i just sat there and chimed in when i knew what the hell they were talking about. at one point i had a sip of iced tea and vodka. a sip. it was sweet iced tea. Ed was not okay with that. stupid.

i eventually made an excuse to leave, and got back to my apartment full of people. i sucked it up and made a snack. then they all got kicked out by the RA. once they were gone i cleaned the whole kitchen. i cleaned up their mess. even though my roommate specifically said she would take care of it. i felt the need to do it.

went to bed. woke up. had breakfast. called my mom and realized i was in a terrible mood. not a coincidence that didn’t eat enough yesterday & my breakfast was smaller than normal this morning.

sometimes i get stuck like this. & i don’t do anything to change it. i know what i can do, Ed just tells me not to. and i listen.

i’ve promised myself that today i am indulging in a fulfilling yoga session. i think it needs to be free flow.


16 Responses to “”

  1. hey emily! its okay that you had a day like this. everyone has days when they are confused. tomorrow is a new day :) you are so beautiful & strong and are a thousand times better then that nasty guy ed ;) have great time with your free flow yoga! yoga will make you feel so much better. xoxo soph

  2. emily…dont cut out food….see where it leads? you only cut more and more…girl, i hope u can chat to someone…you are a great gal….now eat up giril…eating is a job…you must do it…and eat some tasty stuff…sweet iced tea?….i must have something sweet all the time…chocolate cravings bigtime lately…why deny it…i am never hungry :( ….but i shove it in anyway…take care Emily !

  3. Awww, hugs! I’m sorry you had such a day. I hate awkward moments like that when a friend doesn’t do/say what you want/expect them to do/say. (side note, I’m obsessed with using slashes at the moment…)

    And I can totally relate to not wanting to drink/eat certain things b/c I don’t drink/eat (told ya I’m obsessed) those things on a regular basis (i.e. your sweet tea). But that’s just it – you don’t drink that on a regular basis, so it is OK to have it every now and then. Just tell ED to hit the road when you start feeling guilt like that.

    I bet some free flow yoga will make you feel so much better. Enjoy your day!! :)

  4. I’m sorry you had a not-so-great day yesterday, but you’re right – days like that just happen. Try to get your intake back up to normal as soon as possible, because you know, the longer you cut things out, the longer they stay cut out. Stick with your meal plan. You can do this. I know ED is telling you not to, but tell him to fuck off if possible. Remember everything you want out of life. remember all of your motivations for recovery. and remember that you deserve to be healthy.

    Love and hugs,

  5. Blehg, I can relate to days like that. Yes, they happen, because it’s impossible to make every day perfect, but should we accept it lying down? Hellllll no! Don’t let your ED make you feel like crap about this. Sure, you had a sucky day and may have screwed up a bit, but YOU have the power to turn it around today and tomorrow and the next day. I think a nice long yoga sesh is exactly what you need. Just meditate on what you learned from yesterday, and find that spirit from yesterday’s post. Whenever I feel alone, I just find something, anything to occupy my mind. Usually I don’t hang out with people because my depression follows me like some kind of puppy. But just keep your mind busy so that the negative thoughts can’t creep in and take over.

    I hope things are getting better, love.

    <3 Nell

  6. Hang in there, some times alone time is neccissary, yoga is an excellent healthy release. I know how difficult it is but try try try to stay on your meal plan realize that its your ed making you restrict, food= medicine and eventually a healthy life style!
    I hope tomorrow imporves, I hope tonight brings a good night sleep, your in my thoughts hun <3

  7. i really hope you can do everything in your power to up your intake- it s really incredibly important. i knowyou can do this and get the help you need ! i’m thinking of you


  8. Aww love I’m so sorry you had a bad day. I get these too if I accidentally let my intake get too low, or if I’m not taking in enough to meet the demands of my day. It’s made me realize that there’s usually no way out of those states except to eat more… food is the only thing that seems to make the bad mood go away.

    But bad days pass, and good ones come again. Yoga will definitely help with that. Feel better hun :) And don’t cut out food.

  9. i know exactly what you mean about your day. it’s so easy to get stuck in a rut, and soon you don’t even realise it, you’re unconsciously cutting your intake, or ED takes over without you being able to stop it. i also understand the social situation thing, sometimes i just feel so awkward, and like i’m not normal or something because i can’t just sit and drink or whatever like all my friends do.

    but next time you want that heart thrive, eat it!! food is nourishment and medicine, and if they had heart thrives here i would buy them!! :P

    <3 love you

  10. :( yesterday sounds terrible! glad it’s over and done with though, and hopefully tomorrow will be much better. you deserve to have great weekends, not have to deal with all that crap! and i understand your all-or-nothing thinking re: calories. once you cut back, somehow that propels you to do even more disordered things like exercise just for the sake of burning calories

  11. Darling,
    You are SO smart, so beautiful, so inspirational. You know what is ED and what is Emily. Take charge– fight ED. I know you can, and if you need that extra push, I am here for you.

    Maybe a video would help? :)
    Sweet dreams <3
    bec xo

  12. im sorry girl! you HAVE to make sure you do not take those times out on not give him the authority!! the important thing is that you are learning from this and you acknowledge it!

  13. hang in there, girl. You are too amazing to let ED back into your life. hold your ground.


  14. Aw Emily…I’m sorry for that downer day…but hey, you have many more Saturdays ahead of you, and I’m sure you’ll slowly be able to ease up to socializing. Keep on fighting, and being vigilant, Emily. I promise those ED thoughts and vices will ebb away.


  15. Emily, your strength lies in your own tenacity. You can do this, just stick with what you TRULY desire.

  16. Hey!
    I just came across your blog and I can’t wait to read it and follow!
    I would love it if you could check out mine and follow:)

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