embrace it.

i’m embracing attitude now  a days. just because i can. today i’ve had my standard pot of black coffee with breakfast. a half an hour ago i stepped into starbucks and ordered a venti americano, since no one’s stopping me.

i’m still rocking yoga pants & slippers to class. since i like to stay classy.

i go stir crazy in my apartment and always take the long way across campus. i tell myself that it’s okay not to do yoga everyday and i still get anxious when i don’t do it wednesdays and fridays. i tell myself that two days with mini walks won’t kill me or make me blow up like a balloon but my mind begs to differ.

i contemplate, analyze, and overthink. i think it’s okay that i’m on the verge of crazy. isn’t everyone?

i thought about giving up measuring for lent but i decided i didn’t want to put myself through the torment. especially since i never practice my catholic heritage.

i was just taken back to my early gymnastics days. i saw the logo of my club, a good looking man was carrying the duffle. i realized there was no way i could have said anything to him about it because i never moved past compulsory when i was there. and i realized i stopped practicing there seven years ago. i often forget the fact that i wasn’t content even then.

i live in the past, the way things used to be, the way i used to be, the way other’s used to be. everything changes. i’ve changed, they’ve changed, things changed. life never stops.

i’m idealistic, but i’m convinced i will never reach my ideals. i feel as though i have never reached my potential. but i have no idea what my potential is.

i forget that i am unique. but i also forget that i can relate to others.

i learned on tuesday that i am capable of painting my nails myself. sound strange? yes i believed if i painted my own nails they would look awful. so i always pay to have them done. i’m not bad at painting nails. it is calming. but i hate waiting for them to dry. it makes me antsy.

i cannot pinpoint my largest fear. sometimes i think i just afraid of life. i’m afraid of being hurt by anyone other than myself. i’m afraid of being alone.

i am glad that i don’t feel the need to push the way i eat onto other people. i’m glad i don’t constantly tell people how much better organic apples taste versus regular apples. i eat regular apples and i love them. hell my perfect apple would be grown on my own apple tree. i’m possessive.

i want to have dinner parties, complete with wine, fancy cheese, seven courses, & opera cream coffee with dessert. it will probably never happen. & i will compare all the dinner parties i go to, to this party i have created in my head, and it’s very likely nothing will ever live up to it.
i’m not lying when i say that when i went on a cruise i expected it to be like the titanic.

i feel the need to complicate simple things to challenge myself and ultimately fail.

but i’m trying to embrace my attitude. i can do anything. i can say anything. i can be anything. so can you.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” — Buddha