In Uncategorized on May 11, 2010 by Emily (

hi. did i pop up on your google reader? hope so :) don’t hate me :/

so i haven’t posted since february. did i plan it? no. have i been reading? yes. am i back? i don’t know, i just had the urge to post.

i think part of why i haven’t posted is that i’ve had no idea what i want to say, where i want to go, what i want to do. my overriding feeling has been ambivalence; which really isn’t a productive place to be, especially when it comes to recovery. i’ll admit it, i’ve lost weight and gaining is a huge fear right now. my emotions are anything but stable.

my life has gotten busy, which makes a gaining meal plan difficult to maintain. the fact that i don’t feel like putting in the effort to follow a meal plan doesn’t help either. my therapist told me if i lose any more she is going to refer me to more intensive treatment, truth is i think she’s full of shit with that. she wants me to go back to a dietician i saw a couple of times and i’m not making an appointment because there isn’t anything she can tell me that i don’t already know, and that i can’t do myself. i have the tools, it’s the motivation i lack.

on a yoga front–i feel deprived. i have less time now and therefore less yoga time. to remedy this i got a 3 class pass to a studio in hyde park.

on a walking front–i’ve become a wanderer. i bought a new iPod and it makes for wonderful zone out time.

on a birthday front–i turned 20 last week. i ate a whole piece of carrot cake. not easy. but delicious.

on a school front–it still bothers me that my classes aren’t the most challenging thing in the world, but GPA certainly loves it.

on a social front–ehh. still uncomfortable. pushing myself to step out & participate. trying not to be overly critical.

computer desktop of the moment:

i missed you all. but i am up to date, cause i’ve definitely been reading. love, love, love.


6 Responses to “calm”

  1. Thanks for the quick update! I’ve been wondering how you’ve been doing. Keep strong and happy late birthday! Big accomplishment eating a piece of your own birthday cake! I haven’t brought myself to that yet and I missed out a couple of weeks ago.

  2. hey lovie,
    I am so sorry things have been rough for you. :( i can relate so, so much to how you feel with your therapist wanting you to go to a higher level of care, and you not wanting to at all, as well as the whole dietitian thing. My treatment team is really pushing the idea of IP on me becasue i am pretty much refusing to get to a healthy weight :/…and loosing a bit, and i keep missing my N appt for the same reason you stated, she cant help me, i know everything i just lack the motivation as are not alone love…but you can do this! And find the motivation and strength, becasue as much as your ed is blinding you from the reality, life will be better with recovery.
    And i am so, so proud of you for the carrot cake, and Happy 20th :D i will be turning 20 on June 28th and am def planning on having a slice of cake, probs carrot ;) for the first bday in 3 years!


  3. sorry things haven’t been so great lately, but I believe you will find the motivation within yourself to move forward. Stay strong and focused and just know that you CAN, you WILL, and you HAVE to do this. For yourself.

    happy 20th! And “calm.the.fuck.down.”? That made me laugh. It’s perfect.

  4. EMILY,
    First and foremost, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! jsut one more year ;)

    Anyways, I can completely relate to how you feel. like, COMPELTELY. I’m going through similar struggles and have been referred to higher treatment, which is so overwhelming. I feel like THREE different people. ED. Me (the reality). and Ambivalence. I also know that the only way to prevent a further relapse is to jump into this, full throttle. We MUST do the unthinkable, the ‘impossible’. It’s uncomfortable at first, it sucks balls. But, it gets easier and easier with time. We remember what it’s like to nourish ourselves, we remember how the ED thoughts slowly dissipate. WE LIVE.

    i love you, let’s chat soon

  5. good to hear from you, miss emily!
    I’m sorry things haven’t been the best, but the strength is within you to overcome these obstacles.

    keep fighting!

  6. Emily!
    It’s nice to see an update from you.. not so nice to hear that you are struggling. I don’t want to be harsh or anything, but try not to let yourself use ‘being busy’ as an excuse to prolong recovery. If you really want this.. if you really want a life of happiness and health, you need to do it now. Not tomorrow. Not in a week. NOW.

    … on a side note, Happy birthday! I love carrot cake.. although I probably would have gone for chocolate :)

    <3 Tat

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