my story

i’m not quite sure where to start.

i gained the freshman 10ish during my first semester, i was bigger than i had ever been and i didn’t like it. so i decided to fix it.

i became a vegetarian and trying to become a runner. i began obsessively exercising and restricted food, i stopped going out and i spent a lot of time alone…my second semester felt a lot like what i think depression would feel like.

then i went home for the summer and all my hopes for instant happiness didn’t happen (obviously because they were unrealistic). i was working 8 hour days in an office, and spent a lot of the time obsessing (what i would eat, how i would eat it, where i would eat, when i would eat, what workout i would get in, etc.)

meanwhile i went to the doctor since my womanhood wasn’t visiting me, with the expectation that she would tell me i had an eating disorder and that i needed to gain weight and exercise less. instead she tested my hormone levels and suggested i go on birth control. so i rationalized that i was doing nothing wrong, if anything i just needed to work harder.

i saw a therapist for a little while before i came back to school, but she seemed to judge and belittle me.

then i went to the doctor with my mom. she talked. and i was told that i am at the bottom of my heights’ weight range and i shouldn’t lose any more weight. i half-heartedly tried to eat more.

but in the fight to bring my rational mind back i realize that i had no energy, i have no period, my heart hearts when i try to run, my hair falls out, i’m always cold, my body cracks each time i move differently, i am not as healthy as i could be.

so here i am, my story is messy, and i’m even confused.

uh...hott mess right here

but i am me & i need to gain to gain health.


8 Responses to “my story”

  1. Just found your blog…I wish you all the best with your recovering. I know first-hand how destructive eating disorders can be and I really admire your strength and honesty in opening up like this.

  2. You can get there! I have faith in you. :)

  3. the doctor never told me i had an ed either, even though i knew i was suffering even though i didn’t “look” sick. they put me on meds instead and i was forced to heal my life on my own. granted, i never cried out for help as much as i could have. i saw a therapist for about a year as well, but mostly for depression rather than the ed that was developing in me. i think eds can feel really taboo to many people, so they avoid them as much as possible and blame the low weight, loss of periods, etc., on anything else that they can. i’ll be sending you my love and blessings on your journey to recovery :)

  4. Good luck with your journey!

  5. Good luck with your recovery! You can do this. My first year of college was hell – I think all that stress and change just brings out all the anxiety/depression/ED behaviors in some people. But if you want to change, you definitely can and will.

    – Nell

  6. Have faith! Wishing you all the best with your recovery…will keep reading your lovely blog:)

  7. Came across your blog and love your honesty… And it always starts with the little things (i.e. those pesky 10 pounds)! I have struggled with an ED myself and can relate to what you’re going through (find me @

  8. hiiiiii i went on a diet that changed my life forever because i never could eat normally ever again. i’m like you at the bottom of my height’s acceptable weight range but i’ll tell you one thing that makes me determined never to starve myself or exercise excessively again. and in all honesty, i believe this was what god used to keep me sane: he gave me a love for running.

    when i was restricting, running was such a chore. i’d huff and puff and sometimes after my run, i’d puke out this sick yellow liquid that my sis identified as gastric juices from my stomach, desperately churning around and begging for food and with nothing to work on, thought it best to expel itself out my system so my stomach’s interior won’t be so acidic. but eating healthily (means still no junk) i feel so powerful running and it helps me that my body is lighter and easier to propel forward too haha

    the other reason i try to eat more is because i wanted to keep my hair. and i wanted my eyelashes back. (they all fell out.) and it actually feels good not to have to wear a winter coat in the lecture theatre in sunny singapore. and i desperately needed energy to study and do projects like my peers are if i wanna do well in school.

    still, i change my mind when i gain even just a little weight. to hell, i think, i’m done with recovery. i need to lose this 1kg NOW. i won’t eat anymore. so what if i lose my hair, can’t run, bla bla bla I DON’T CARE I JUST WANNA BE THIN. but as you get healthier in body and in mind, you also get lousier at obeying ED. you lose your ability to restrict because now, in your saner mind, you know that food is good and you want it.

    took me forever to start eating my mum’s dishes again. (i’m chinese so we fry stuff a lot – vegatables, chicken, etc.) i had to learn to trust my body again. that i’ve got a good body, it will not turn fat just because i ate some oily duck that by the way tasted like heaven. (:)/:(?) and i was so scared that my metabolism was as good as dead and i’ll start piling the weight all back on immediately if i eat normally, but i took it slow, and my body hasn’t betrayed me. and i pray for god to help me please. and i stop turning my friends down when they ask me out to do stuff. and i started to look forward to dinner with my family again…and it all starts with the small things, slowly, when you try to get better. i’m getting better. i’d bet you are too. let’s be courageous yea :)

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