Posts Tagged ‘bad’



In Uncategorized on December 31, 2009 by Emily ( Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,

here we go. its time to look at 2009. i’ll warn you, it’s not going to be pretty. if i had to describe this year in 3 words: unhappy, eating, disorder.

sometimes i look at my journal, usually to see how stupid i was, or how i attempted to write out my feelings. it serves as an indulgence, i think i’m indulging in self-centered-ness. but i think this is the first time i have been scared to look at my journal. why? well for one nearly everything scares me at least a little bit these days, and that i’m not just going to ignore the words.

January: new years felt like a binge-cookies, dip, sugary alcohol, 4 of us just sitting around. i beat myself up for that. i was still heavy at that point, but i was vegetarian. my journal: “i love being vegetarian. it makes me something. i am vegetarian. i am skinnier too. it sort of rocks a lot. a lot. a lot.” everyone i knew, knew that i was vegetarian. i told everyone, looking back i must have sounded like fool. & i visited the nutritionist, she recommended i visit CAPS. i think i was flattered in a way, but i ignored her, i was still heavy.

February: valentine’s day stands out for me. i called my sister to wish her a happy birthday and ended up balling desperately asking my mom to pick me up so i didn’t have to spend the day alone at school. but, that wasn’t an option so i spent most of the day at starbucks. i told myself that i could accept who i was and how my body was. i was alone, and i felt it. i think i nearly binged on oatmeal raisin cookies the next day which caused me to flip out. i decided the next week “i can be a vegetarian runner in business”

March: i don’t remember march. nothing specific happened, i think i spent a lot of time running, doing 8-minute abs, researching diets, searching calories and nutrition facts. i avoided going out, i was full of excuses. i did go down to south caroline to visit my friend on spring break, i had a good time but as soon as they ordered chocolate cake i bitched out, there was no way on earth i was having a bite.

April: more of march’s doings, had a mini breakdown walking home from going out to eat. i started making plans on what i was going to do differently, while trying to accept that this was my life. little 500 happened (the greatest college weekend) thank god i ran into 2 of my friends outside, because i spent the weekend with them. at one drunk point i considered out loud that i might have an eating disorder. but there was little discussion about it, so i just ignored it.

May: my birthday, hell. during finals week. i treated myself to starbucks oatmeal for breakfast, i really wanted just to spend the day there. but i was demanded to come back to my dorm to have lunch with my “friends” in the dining hall, they thought it was really special that we all got to eat the shit food together. i was not amused. at one point they joked about getting me a cake, but they knew i wouldn’t eat it, and i decided even if they thought i would eat the cake they would have never gotten it for me. i did bake myself a cake when i got home from school, strawberry with cream cheese frosting. i had a small slice.
i also started work in an office. in my mind i was sitting on my butt all day. i thought every night i needed to be at the gym to make up for sitting at work.

June: more work. but it was getting harder for me to actually work out, time was slipping away and i was tired, so i got pissed. i did cut down, but i also started finding any reason i could to take walks at work, i found stairs to walk up, i researched more diet information. (by this point i was eating meat again).
i took a road trip with my two oldest friends. i was miserable, and was beginning to realize that i didn’t think like other people, that i cared about different things. i fell down the stairs and had another breakdown.

July: i ran the hyde park blast (4 miles) sure i walked more than i wanted to, but i ran most of it. the last few hundred yards my chest was dying. i couldn’t even manage to find anything at the blast worth eating after the race. still working about 35 hour weeks. i did become enthralled with yoga :)

August: my mom and i talked about how i needed to change, and how she was scared for me to go back to school. i tried out some therapy, but this woman convinced me i was fine, i just had some perfectionist issues.
then i went back to school. i had the most desperate night of my life. i called my mom and told her to pick me up, i didn’t want to do school at indiana, i needed to be home, i couldn’t be there. i spent hours sobbing, begging my mom and dad to pick me up. they told me i could do this, it would make me stronger. i think i cried for 2 days, i just hurt.

September: i realized i could get plenty of exercise walking around campus, i walked everywhere and always took the stairs, even the 10 flights up to my room. i think i went out once, and the night didn’t end well. [which puts my number of times going out for the semester to be 2]

October: decided to transfer officially. started to blog (i think).

November: thanksgiving, prepared to leave. did my school work. attempted to entertain myself, fighting between the conflict of wanting to hang out with people, while telling myself that i had lost the ability to relate to people, telling myself that no one would want to hang out with me, and that i couldn’t face the anxiety of hanging out with other people.

December: went to CAPS.

so that was my year. and its been all about me in my head. what i’ve done, what others have done to me. what i did wrong, what i’ve chosen to eat and not eat, how i’m unhappy. sure this year wasn’t easy, i faced a lot of things i had never faced before. i was rejected from some clubs, i was without a best friend at school. my life had changed. and all i saw was that i had gained weight in the first semester and i was going to loose it to bring things back to normal. i put every ounce of this on myself. and though i’ve tampered with the idea of “getting better” i’ve wanted to do it under the condition of staying thin. {i’m short, i should be thin <–one of Ed’s fiercest weapons, i often remember that i was heavy, Ed has so much pride in the fact that i have actually lost weight since january}.
i spent the first half of the year getting thin, and the rest of the year desperately trying to stay that way, the meanwhile isolating and berating myself. Ed made me a little bubble, a bubble i’ve been expecting and waiting for someone else to pop.

i have yet to trust that i am enough.

this year i am starting at a new school. in a new apartment. with new roommates. new classes. new people. sure, i’m scared shitless. but i can be happy. you can be happy. because: WE ARE ALL ENOUGH.

this year i am planning to embrace the fact that i have the ability to be human. as tonight i am going to a party, i have no idea what the night will bring, all i know is that i have some wine and old friends.

care to join me?

“Life is too important to be taken seriously.” — Oscar Wilde



what a nightmare

In Uncategorized on October 29, 2009 by Emily ( Tagged: , , ,

Every human being is the author of his own health or disease.

yesterday night did not house my finest hours, i let Ed infultrate my thoughts and decisions.

let me just start off by saying i left the library at 5AM, i think i was asleep around 5:30am and woke up at 8:40am (this post may not be coherent).

i want to recap the night, because it did have some entertaining events, but i have to go to class again soon and i feel as though i may fall over at any moment.

bloggies i want to catch up with you all, thank you so much for your support and amazing-ness. i may be back after a nap, but come to think of it my nap may end up being a night’s rest.

however i believe this should be enjoyed :)

i am loving/obsessed with trees at the moment

i am loving/obsessed with trees at the moment


food PORN.

food PORN. yes that is dark chocolate dreams



fresh friday

In Uncategorized on October 23, 2009 by Emily ( Tagged: , , ,

(i have no idea what my post title means) & awesome giveaway @ julie’s!

good evening everyone, hope everyone is out & about living it up! i for some reason or another am sitting in my dorm farting over homework. damn it.

but i do think my eats were quite delightful today, lala here comes my day:

totally rocked the oat-less breakfast :)

totally rocked the oat-less breakfast :)

then i sent out on an adventure to KIRKWOOD, um its like totally cute downtown bloomington, i really just needed out of my room.

the scenery along the way…

leaves everywhere!

leaves everywhere!

i pretty much adore this tree

i pretty much adore this tree

by the time i got there it was lunch time, so i stopped into bloomingfoods (super awesome local/ organic/ co-op grocery store that you have to go through an ally to get to [and yes i almost got hit by a van & a semi trying to get to it, oops])

most random lunch everrr

most random lunch everrr

ate these goodies at the starbucks while reading some sociology. yes exciting, at least this was exciting:

twas good, twas very good

twas good, twas very good

then i got a bit restless and wandered around kirkwood in search of some soup. i stopped in like 5 different places, none had the soup i wanted…um probably because i didn’t know what the soup i wanted was (eh this is one of the annoying things about Ed, he likes to tell me  i want something vague like soup, but then reasons that none of the soup i see is right, and i must have the exactly right soup aparently; ughhh very frustrating!)

so finally i managed to shut him up & ventured into FARM, i’ve always wanted to try it so today i figured why not, its not like i had anything better to do. (i’d strayed away before because its pricey & i felt like i had to go there with someone). but you know what i didn’t want their soup either.

that would be pumpkin atop that salad, yummmay!

that would be pumpkin atop that salad, yummmay!

at FARM everything is made fresh from locally grown ingredients, it has a lot of awards. i really liked it. i wish i would have taken a picture of what it looks like inside, it is soo cute, you would love it!

so i eventually wandered to the union to read about banana wars (chiquita business stuff, actually quite interesting).

then i was feeling sad. and i think it stemmed from feeling alone all day, urg i really wish i had someone to wander around with me :( i don’t want to sound like a whiner, but friends have been hard for me at school…anyone have any advise/tips/words of wisdom about stuff like this? i don’t know exactly what my problem is, but i tend to feel like i don’t have much in common with people and that they don’t really want to do the things i want to…

so now i’m doing some homework and considering just calling it a night to make today go away…

on a much happier note—-

so speaking of pears...aren't these awesome :)

so speaking of pears...aren't these awesome :)

found this over at glamour’s vitamin G this morning….i would totally pay big money for one of these babies!!! ah maybe my pear tree will cuties grow like these! 

night night lovelies!! hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

PS–what was the best part of your day??

so i know i was complaining, but it was great to finally make it out to kirkwood and grab lunch at bloomingfoods and chill at starbucks for a bit, it felt quite nice to just hang out somewhere other than my room.


what the hell?

In Uncategorized on October 8, 2009 by Emily ( Tagged: ,

my computer is broken

& i lost my phone

what the hell?

PS–Anyone have a good joke/funny story/interesting fact/something to take my mind off this?