Posts Tagged ‘change’

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uh title-less. lo siento

In Uncategorized on January 6, 2010 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , ,

happy hump day my beautiful people! i hope its warmer where you are, because it’s painfully cold here. i’m chilled to my bones, even though my mom says i’m too young for that.

well i went home yesterday. ridiculous i know, ha but one of my friends was leaving for school today, and she was picking up her jeans just a few exits away so she came by and grabbed me. its just so easy being so close to home. can you hear the smile in my voice?? i got to sleep in a warm room & just had to get up at 630 for my dad to drop me off on his way to work. only bummer was that i left my new tj spicy hummus at home. but no worries, i can nearly guarantee i’ll be back soon to rescue it :)

& yes my friend and i stopped by trader joe’s, its right across the street from the alternation place. all my idea. guilty as charged. i got some dried apricots, pomegranate greek yogurt {um delicious, hello!!}, spicy hummus, && INDIAN; by the way i tried it in the store [step forward Ed tells me this is notttt okay, he’s wrong]

the sample t'was delicious, i just had to buy it

today has just been spent going to my 2 classes. easy peasy.

one thing though–i got “caught” calorie counting. well, not really caught per say, but i was questioned & my answer was “oh, it’s nothing”, “no big deal”, “really don’t worry about it”

:(

how embarrassing. part of me just wanted to explain the whole thing (Ed and all) when we walked back to the apartments, another part of me planned to lie and say i was balancing my expenses if he happened to ask about it again. i’m pretty sure neither option is the way to go. i’m glad it didn’t come up again. has this ever happened to you? & down to the root of it, calorie counting? ugghh!

to be honest today after my afternoon snack Ed told me i was done. done for the day. no one would know, i could just crawl into bed. i get pissed at myself for having these thoughts, but i allow them to happen. i have yet to find my spark to change.

aside from that jazz i’m all by my lonesome in my apartment at the moment [cougar town is on tonight with lisa kudro!! friends mini reunion, except not really, but i don’t care, i’m still excited!!]

want to see my place?? sure you do :)

my side of the room (my bed is so tall, definitely takes some climbing to get into, hah)

the kitchen!

did i tell you that a majority of my stuff was food?

top of my desk, just some happy things

well time to have a snack so i’m off :) hope everyone has a lovely night!!

“Be curious, not judgmental.” — Walt Whitman

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and so it begins

In Uncategorized on January 4, 2010 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , , , ,

so it happened, it’s real, i’m a bearcat. ah! aside from the fact that it is 16 degrees outside, things are going pretty well. my apartment is relatively huge, my roommates are nice {and they eat, i had a mini irrational fear that they wouldn’t}, & i figured out how to turn the heat on today [would have helped to know last night when i was a popsicle in bed]. oh i did leave this morning without my key card, cause i thought i already lost it, but then i found it on my desk when i got back. silly me.

i had two classes today–financial accounting and business foundations [can’t believe i have to take this] and one of my guy friends from high school is in both of them! score. i now have someone to sit with & walk me home :) plus i even have time to do yoga!! happy!

&& my dad came to visit me before he went to the basketball game with my grandpa. i soo love being closer to home. 20 minutes baby!! good thing because i left like a ba-jillion things at home (remote control, dvds, spatula, baking sheet, the list goes on)

on the food front, eh i’m doing okay. yes i’m eating, more at a maintenance level than a gaining level, i’m doing a lot of measuring, i calorie count once a day [just to keep track], and i have rationalized myself out of getting food with a friend. not the hugest deals in the world, but not really steps forward in recovery. i’ve rationalized that i’m just getting myself into place here, i don’t want to try too much too fast. its kind of a cop out, i need to realize that if i want to have fun i need to suck it up and kick Ed out. i feel like a pansy admitting this, i’ve just let Ed become such of a comfort. i just feel content with it. even though i overcooked my oats this morning, wahhh– i think it’s time to start thinking about taking another step…

however i am snacking on some of these beautiful babies :)

so delicious :)

**miss sam (merrittothecarrot) is having the most delicious of giveaways :)

**update:: if you ever need/want to email me i’m now using a different one– hageremily@cinci.rr.com

i love my fellow bloggers so much :) because you guys want me to tell you what makes me happy. major thanks to miss amanda [.seek.], emily [secret doors], and rachael [ruby converse and curls] tagged me in this fabulous award!!

all that i need to do is tell you 10 things that make me happy, try to do at least one of them today, and pick 10 bloggers who make me happy to pass this along to :)

  1. yoga–i feel like i could write for days on yoga, it is responsible for grounding me to this earth, i really have no idea where i would be without it.
  2. my family–i know, i know corny. but they never fail to listen to me, respect me, and love me. but they’re also there to call my out on my ridiculousness.
  3. oats–even though i’m trying not to have them every day for breakfast, they always make me happy.
  4. coffee & tea–always comforting, you can frown while sipping a wonderful warm drink.
  5. chatting–sure i’m not always up for being engaging and entertaining, but its really nice just talking to people.
  6. friends dvds–i love the show and the fact that the episodes never change, and still every time i watch them i laugh.
  7. cooking–i love creating new things in the kitchen, some may find my creations quite odd, but i think they’re delicious.
  8. walking–to class, around the neighborhood, in the park. i like that i walk places.
  9. being pleasantly surprised–i tend to expect the worst of everything but hope for the unrealistic best, which often leaves me disappointed. so its really nice when things surprise me.
  10. blogging–you girls are amazing. every comment, each of your posts, touch me. thank you for being :)

i would love to pass this award to — rebecca (from here to there in purple), sophia (burp and slurp), eleanor (pieces of her), kailey (peanut butter bliss), devan (watermelon tequila), sam (merrittothecarrot), lexi (starlight diner), tat (tatianna lives), katie (faith food & fitness), shelley (finding happiness and health)

sorry for the snooze of a post, just adjusting… & totally picture-less, boo, i shall change that! the camera comes out tomorrow :)

BIG LOVE!!

“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.” — Allen Ginsberg

oh, when did i forget how much i adore allen ginsberg?

Articles

fresh new year

In Uncategorized on January 3, 2010 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , , ,

thank you so much for your most wonderful thoughts on my 2009 post. i tend to be a big dweller, but 2010 is about moving forward and growing from the past, so no dwelling.

okay so a quick recap of my new years eve: had to change my outfit 4 times (the dress kept changing from casual to dressy and then back), hopped in the the car and found out we were going to clifton which is where my new apartment is so quickly ran back inside to get my keys so i could talk everyone out of staying in the sketchy house. and boy did the party start awkwardly/boringly and then resulted in a typical house party, i was extremely out of the loop for a majority of the night but i just decided not to care. at least i didn’t have to suck on gross beer, since i came well equipped with mini wines {yeah everyone thought i was classy, ha}
then it was like 1:30 and there was no way i was staying at this house (by the way, how people managed to survive in this house is beyond me) so i began talking my friends in to heading to my apartment. luckily everyone agreed, but then we had to find our drivers purse which took forever! but we found it and headed out, and quickly realized we left two girls behind, one vomiting, ugh. [most vomit-y party i have ever been to by the way. yuck] but whatever we made it back to my apartment.
then at like 3 the fire alarm when off. i should probably let you know that it was ice cube weather, i was a little concerned i was going to end up with frostbite, i was in tights! well eventually we could go back in and we all passed out.

moral of the story: i went out. it was pretty ridiculous by my standards. i was uncomfortable. i feel kind of stuck up about it. these kind of things happen in real life.

yeah when i got home i was angry, i was tired, i was hungry. so i ate, parked my behind, and went to be early. so things are better.

now onto today, today we (me, my dad, my brother, my sister, & my other sister) moved some of my stuff into my apartment. wish i could say it was a fun loving experience where everyone joked and got along, but not the case, i had attitude. i was a bit stress and stress = attitude most of the time. working on it.

i think i'm just going to work hard at being nice to people ;)

so that must mean tomorrow’s the big day, i’m moving into my apartment for real, hopefully meeting my roommates, & really being a bearcat. i kind of wish i wasn’t so damn scared. i tried to do some yoga tonight, but i was totally not present, i was pretty pissed about it, but one day off won’t kill me, it will just make tomorrow’s practice that much better.

time to muster up some bravery...

ps — i totally loved reading everyone’s take on new years :)

now i will warn y’all blogging may take a back seat for a little bit, you know so i can get adjusted and such. not to say i won’t be reading, i am most definitely reading (you guys keep me sane!) but i may not be commenting/posting (who am i kidding i’ve been super sporadic over break as it is)  as much. i shall try my best! i love all of you :)

I can’t go back to yesterday – because I was a different person then. — Lewis Carroll

Articles

2009

In Uncategorized on December 31, 2009 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,

here we go. its time to look at 2009. i’ll warn you, it’s not going to be pretty. if i had to describe this year in 3 words: unhappy, eating, disorder.

sometimes i look at my journal, usually to see how stupid i was, or how i attempted to write out my feelings. it serves as an indulgence, i think i’m indulging in self-centered-ness. but i think this is the first time i have been scared to look at my journal. why? well for one nearly everything scares me at least a little bit these days, and that i’m not just going to ignore the words.

January: new years felt like a binge-cookies, dip, sugary alcohol, 4 of us just sitting around. i beat myself up for that. i was still heavy at that point, but i was vegetarian. my journal: “i love being vegetarian. it makes me something. i am vegetarian. i am skinnier too. it sort of rocks a lot. a lot. a lot.” everyone i knew, knew that i was vegetarian. i told everyone, looking back i must have sounded like fool. & i visited the nutritionist, she recommended i visit CAPS. i think i was flattered in a way, but i ignored her, i was still heavy.

February: valentine’s day stands out for me. i called my sister to wish her a happy birthday and ended up balling desperately asking my mom to pick me up so i didn’t have to spend the day alone at school. but, that wasn’t an option so i spent most of the day at starbucks. i told myself that i could accept who i was and how my body was. i was alone, and i felt it. i think i nearly binged on oatmeal raisin cookies the next day which caused me to flip out. i decided the next week “i can be a vegetarian runner in business”

March: i don’t remember march. nothing specific happened, i think i spent a lot of time running, doing 8-minute abs, researching diets, searching calories and nutrition facts. i avoided going out, i was full of excuses. i did go down to south caroline to visit my friend on spring break, i had a good time but as soon as they ordered chocolate cake i bitched out, there was no way on earth i was having a bite.

April: more of march’s doings, had a mini breakdown walking home from going out to eat. i started making plans on what i was going to do differently, while trying to accept that this was my life. little 500 happened (the greatest college weekend) thank god i ran into 2 of my friends outside, because i spent the weekend with them. at one drunk point i considered out loud that i might have an eating disorder. but there was little discussion about it, so i just ignored it.

May: my birthday, hell. during finals week. i treated myself to starbucks oatmeal for breakfast, i really wanted just to spend the day there. but i was demanded to come back to my dorm to have lunch with my “friends” in the dining hall, they thought it was really special that we all got to eat the shit food together. i was not amused. at one point they joked about getting me a cake, but they knew i wouldn’t eat it, and i decided even if they thought i would eat the cake they would have never gotten it for me. i did bake myself a cake when i got home from school, strawberry with cream cheese frosting. i had a small slice.
i also started work in an office. in my mind i was sitting on my butt all day. i thought every night i needed to be at the gym to make up for sitting at work.

June: more work. but it was getting harder for me to actually work out, time was slipping away and i was tired, so i got pissed. i did cut down, but i also started finding any reason i could to take walks at work, i found stairs to walk up, i researched more diet information. (by this point i was eating meat again).
i took a road trip with my two oldest friends. i was miserable, and was beginning to realize that i didn’t think like other people, that i cared about different things. i fell down the stairs and had another breakdown.

July: i ran the hyde park blast (4 miles) sure i walked more than i wanted to, but i ran most of it. the last few hundred yards my chest was dying. i couldn’t even manage to find anything at the blast worth eating after the race. still working about 35 hour weeks. i did become enthralled with yoga :)

August: my mom and i talked about how i needed to change, and how she was scared for me to go back to school. i tried out some therapy, but this woman convinced me i was fine, i just had some perfectionist issues.
then i went back to school. i had the most desperate night of my life. i called my mom and told her to pick me up, i didn’t want to do school at indiana, i needed to be home, i couldn’t be there. i spent hours sobbing, begging my mom and dad to pick me up. they told me i could do this, it would make me stronger. i think i cried for 2 days, i just hurt.

September: i realized i could get plenty of exercise walking around campus, i walked everywhere and always took the stairs, even the 10 flights up to my room. i think i went out once, and the night didn’t end well. [which puts my number of times going out for the semester to be 2]

October: decided to transfer officially. started to blog (i think).

November: thanksgiving, prepared to leave. did my school work. attempted to entertain myself, fighting between the conflict of wanting to hang out with people, while telling myself that i had lost the ability to relate to people, telling myself that no one would want to hang out with me, and that i couldn’t face the anxiety of hanging out with other people.

December: went to CAPS.

so that was my year. and its been all about me in my head. what i’ve done, what others have done to me. what i did wrong, what i’ve chosen to eat and not eat, how i’m unhappy. sure this year wasn’t easy, i faced a lot of things i had never faced before. i was rejected from some clubs, i was without a best friend at school. my life had changed. and all i saw was that i had gained weight in the first semester and i was going to loose it to bring things back to normal. i put every ounce of this on myself. and though i’ve tampered with the idea of “getting better” i’ve wanted to do it under the condition of staying thin. {i’m short, i should be thin <–one of Ed’s fiercest weapons, i often remember that i was heavy, Ed has so much pride in the fact that i have actually lost weight since january}.
i spent the first half of the year getting thin, and the rest of the year desperately trying to stay that way, the meanwhile isolating and berating myself. Ed made me a little bubble, a bubble i’ve been expecting and waiting for someone else to pop.

i have yet to trust that i am enough.

this year i am starting at a new school. in a new apartment. with new roommates. new classes. new people. sure, i’m scared shitless. but i can be happy. you can be happy. because: WE ARE ALL ENOUGH.

this year i am planning to embrace the fact that i have the ability to be human. as tonight i am going to a party, i have no idea what the night will bring, all i know is that i have some wine and old friends.

care to join me?

“Life is too important to be taken seriously.” — Oscar Wilde

Articles

i accept the next 13 days

In Uncategorized on December 4, 2009 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , , ,

happy friday my loves!! i hope you are keeping warm because it is faaa-reezing here!!

muchas gracias por la comments on my last post :) i’m so glad you all understand, deep down i knew you would ;)

so what have i been up to on this frigid friday? well shopping of course :) i walked my butt down to kirkwood to find a christmas gift for my sister, luckily i succeeded at urban outfitters. i got myself some lunch and tea then made my way back to my room. all in all it took 4 hours, probably because i’m a turtle when i shop & eat. whatever i had nothing better to do…well actually i skipped out on a yogini session (yoga club i helped create in the business school) but i just did not want to go, so i didn’t.

and that would be my event for the day, haven’t done much of anything else…attempted at a nap [ended up crying instead? hmm], enjoyed some hot-power fusion yogadownloads, had dinner, currently depressing myself over “say yes to the dress”, after this i’m finishing my accounting essay & sleeping, exciting day!! just kidding, my mom told me i was grandma this morning and she speaks the truth. only 13 more days!

now this is something i am working on, accepting life as it is. for me life right now includes: studying for finals, going to one more week of classes, visiting professors during office hours, watching movies on tv, eating microwaved food, doing dishes in the bathroom, breathing, packing up my things, desperately waiting for my dad to get here on the 17th at 4pm just so he can give me a hug.

nothing miraculous is going to happen, the days aren’t going to disappear, i’m not going to automatically know everything i need to for my exams.

but i can laugh & giggle during small talk with acquaintances, i can draw a picture, i can dance during yoga, i can make indefinite plans for christmas break. i can be hopeful.

my spirit can be bright

hopeful is hard for me, i equate hopeful with hopeless & stupid. i’ve always been afraid of being made into a fool, of being laughed at behind my back, of not seeing the brutal blow ahead of time. i expect myself to see the future and read minds. i can predict someone’s next move and interpret their silence. i’ve stood by this belief for years.

but right now I QUIT.

i know rationally that nothing changes over night, i can’t predict the future, and i can’t read minds. so i’m done trying to. i am accepting things as they are & living through it. i am removing my expectations for the time being. all i can do right now is my best. and my best does not have to be the best.

i may not be living life to the fullest, i am not being wild & crazy. i am going to do what i want to do with what i have.

i do however have one goal—to capture my current life in photographs, i am going to take pictures of where i am for the next 13 days so i don’t forget.

a happy friday to all! and to all a good night!

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be. —The Beatles

please know that i am so very grateful that each and every one of you are here.

Articles

yoga revelation

In Uncategorized on November 9, 2009 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , ,

hello! hello!

let me start off by saying i feel like i did a lot of thinking today. some of the thinking was good, while some of the thinking was not so good.

for one thing i have been confused today at why in the world i am not scrambling over homework…i have racked my brain quite a few times but i seem to have done all i can do for now. weird, so not normal. and hell no i am not complaining :)

&& totally distracted by gossip girl–vanessa, dan, & hilary duff; threesome? what is going on??

i also was tragically mistaken this afternoon, you see i thought i made a appointment to get the h1n1 vaccine this afternoon. so i went over to assembly hall to get the shot. well, when i walked in there was no one there. i asked a random person, the janitor who said no one had been there all day. i walked around the building, went into a different door. then i finally gave up and went to class. nearly convinced that i was now going to die of swine flu.

oink!

buttt you see my appointment was not for this afternoon, my appointment is for the afternoon of the first day that they start administering the vaccine. they don’t even have it yet. haha maybe next time i will read the things i sign up for a little closer.

oh & i should warn you i am picture-less. i decided that i didn’t want to take the effort to be a paparazzi to my eats today. sorry!

————————————————————————————————————————————————–

now in an attempt to bring some meaning to this post ;) i shall elaborate on my thoughts.

during stats i had the urge to do yoga (that’s nothing new i always want to do yoga) but i was actually craving the 25 minute power yoga #4 – donation yogadownload class. this class begins with a short meditation about Metta, or universal love. you are encouraged to repeat that you are free of hostility, free of infliction, its really wonderful to hear & meditate on. i highly suggest this class if you haven’t tried it, i felt so good during & after.

this got me thinking about what it is that i really want to change about myself. and i become slightly troubled, because i don’t know what i want, i have so many different voices swirling in my head.

what i know for sure is:

  • i want to be happy
  • i want to be comfortable as myself
  • i want to experience love

i know these are all good things and the majority of the human world wants them too. but to me these things are so huge that they seem somewhat unattainable and impossibly terrifying. i sometimes jump to thinking about the “then what?” so say one day i find that i am happy, then what?

this is where i realized that i have no reason what so ever to be thinking about the then what. i have not even achieved these things yet, and there is plenty of work i need to still do. if these are the things that i know i want then i shouldn’t need to ask “then what” right?

that is when it hit me. TRUST. i am skeptical and i don’t trust the power of simple happiness. i seem to think that it won’t be enough for me. but who am i to think i need more? why do i seem to think that happiness is not good enough for me? or is it just that i don’t think happiness is possible? ugh such a scramble.

then i thought of a wonderful affirmation.

THERE IS NO GLORY IN BEING UNHAPPY.

unhappy people are no better than happy people. suffering does not make someone more important or worth while. rebecca reminded me of this on one of here comments, “yet I really can’t explain why.. Sometimes I guess I just enjoy the company of my own misery” <–this is how i have been living my life, just me and my misery, at least i always had my misery. i’m delusional. i want to stop being concerned about what everyone around me is doing, it’s time to stand on my own two feet. i’m not quite sure about how i am going to do this but i’m pretty sure that’s a part of it.

now i am taking a big, deep yoga breath. i now have a step to take. i plan to take it. it involves no regrets. it involves living. please join me, i’m convinced it will be fun :)

thank you beautiful people of blog world for being here, you all help me more than you know. i hope you all continue to follow this unpredictable journey :)

Photo 101

please laugh, pretty please :)

Articles

grateful

In Uncategorized on November 5, 2009 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , ,

i’m so glad i decided to blog. you all are so wonderful, and i very grateful to now have you all in my life. thank you from the bottom of my heart.

i have been feeling more positive since my last post, it’s been up and down. i am happy to report that i bought myself a book yesterday (i’m reading what i want, screw school, okay that’s a bit dramatic i think i have the time)

DSCN1321

probably just because amy & rebecca like it so much ;)

i started it last night, and i can hardly put it down, i read more this morning before i even got out of bed :)

i think i have figured out a way to describe how i have been feeling in the world lately, small. not really physically small, but in terms of necessity. it’s a feeling of insignificance. and for me i have always believed that i can only be important if other people think i am important. <–that right there is a big problem, i let other’s dictate me. i want to change this, i want to be enough as i am. i am enough. we are all enough.

reality is a fuzzy thing for me. i have the tendency to decide certain things aren’t possible in my reality [i can’t say hi to him, we can’t really be friends, etc.] essentially i’m putting myself into a box, setting up boundaries. honestly it’s no wonder making friends is hard for me, a part of me doesn’t think it’s possible. that part of me is what Ed feeds on. he helps to create the expectations that are impossible for people to live up to, he creates scenarios that will never happen and will always leave me disappointed. i am going to work on this, i think practicing mindfulness with help me with this.

ah i’ll let go of the heavy stuff and move on to the yummy stuff :)

DSCN1320

pb & j, banana, oats, & cinnamon puffins = sheer bliss

no shame in this breakfast 2 days in a row, its a winner!

DSCN1323

i won me some zevia from the lovely kristi’s giveaway a few weeks ago. i’ve never really been much of a pop drinker but i really appreciated the fizzy-ness! it tasted just like i remember pop tasting and i would highly recommend it. i am quite excited to try the other flavors!

other than that jazz, i went out to dinner with a somewhat estranged friend last night. i told her i was transferring & then i got annoyed because she kept saying how she was sorry about it and aw emily, blah blah. i had to keep telling her that there was no reason for her to be sorry, there is nothing to be sorry for and there is no reason for her to feel bad. but whatever.

we went to panera & that was good, but it was kind of peeve-ish how they are now posting calories on the menu board. but i just have to remember they are just calories, that’s all.

so it’s totally dinner time right now…hmm what to make in the oh so wonderful microwave! haha :)

i hope everyone has a lovely night!

&& ps—i’m totally loving rebecca’s idea of a bloggy book club! how shall we arrange it?

and do you ever talk about food with people who don’t exactly know that you are struggling? (if that makes sense)

i don’t really talk to people about foods i like…or really the fact that i like to eat healthy (i used to) i share things with my mom, but i guess i think i don’t like normal foods so i shouldn’t talk about it….huh i make no sense.

“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.” –Mahatma Gandhi