Posts Tagged ‘eating disorder’

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embrace it.

In Uncategorized on February 18, 2010 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , ,

i’m embracing attitude now  a days. just because i can. today i’ve had my standard pot of black coffee with breakfast. a half an hour ago i stepped into starbucks and ordered a venti americano, since no one’s stopping me.

i’m still rocking yoga pants & slippers to class. since i like to stay classy.

i go stir crazy in my apartment and always take the long way across campus. i tell myself that it’s okay not to do yoga everyday and i still get anxious when i don’t do it wednesdays and fridays. i tell myself that two days with mini walks won’t kill me or make me blow up like a balloon but my mind begs to differ.

i contemplate, analyze, and overthink. i think it’s okay that i’m on the verge of crazy. isn’t everyone?

i thought about giving up measuring for lent but i decided i didn’t want to put myself through the torment. especially since i never practice my catholic heritage.

i was just taken back to my early gymnastics days. i saw the logo of my club, a good looking man was carrying the duffle. i realized there was no way i could have said anything to him about it because i never moved past compulsory when i was there. and i realized i stopped practicing there seven years ago. i often forget the fact that i wasn’t content even then.

i live in the past, the way things used to be, the way i used to be, the way other’s used to be. everything changes. i’ve changed, they’ve changed, things changed. life never stops.

i’m idealistic, but i’m convinced i will never reach my ideals. i feel as though i have never reached my potential. but i have no idea what my potential is.

i forget that i am unique. but i also forget that i can relate to others.

i learned on tuesday that i am capable of painting my nails myself. sound strange? yes i believed if i painted my own nails they would look awful. so i always pay to have them done. i’m not bad at painting nails. it is calming. but i hate waiting for them to dry. it makes me antsy.

i cannot pinpoint my largest fear. sometimes i think i just afraid of life. i’m afraid of being hurt by anyone other than myself. i’m afraid of being alone.

i am glad that i don’t feel the need to push the way i eat onto other people. i’m glad i don’t constantly tell people how much better organic apples taste versus regular apples. i eat regular apples and i love them. hell my perfect apple would be grown on my own apple tree. i’m possessive.

i want to have dinner parties, complete with wine, fancy cheese, seven courses, & opera cream coffee with dessert. it will probably never happen. & i will compare all the dinner parties i go to, to this party i have created in my head, and it’s very likely nothing will ever live up to it.
i’m not lying when i say that when i went on a cruise i expected it to be like the titanic.

i feel the need to complicate simple things to challenge myself and ultimately fail.

but i’m trying to embrace my attitude. i can do anything. i can say anything. i can be anything. so can you.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” — Buddha

Articles

realizing yoga

In Uncategorized on January 22, 2010 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , , ,

thanks for the warm welcome back my beautiful bloggies. & ps (as i’m sure you all know) miss maggie is having the most fabulous of giveaways :) i’m hoping to recreate one of her breakfasts on saturday!

today was quite the useless day. however i did get a few things done:

  • bought the replacement ID
  • got my bearcat cash put back on it
  • hopefully got insurance figured out
  • tried the ashtanga class

&& that’s about it. more on the ashtanga yoga class–it was meh. i was as impressed with the teacher as i was on tuesday, i don’t know maybe i’m just a yoga snob. i’m thinking next thursday i’m trying out “yoga tricks” ha that should be interesting fun! maybe on wednesday i’ll check out “yoga chill

but you know what this class did get me thinking; i was getting down on myself for it not being that good of a practice (oh yeah i definitely had to pee the whole time–not a good time), but i continued to think and i realized that i do yoga. i could even venture to call myself a little yogini. hello i practice nearly everyday. yoga is a part of my life. and with that i realized not every practice has to be the ‘best’, i need to welcome more mentally challenging practices rather than physically challenging. so i am going to focus on truly setting intentions for my time on the mat, the first of which—to release judgement & hostility. its going to take a lot of practice, but most important things do.

now, i know you are all dying to find out what weekend may have in store for me ;)
tomorrow (friday)–no plans at the moment, eek.
saturday–lunch with a sorority [yep i’m thinking about informal rush…ah], maybe drinking hanging out with some friends
sunday–hopefully going to whole foods with my grandma (as in i haven’t called her yet to ask) **side note on whole foods, i went this weekend & could hardly handle it, i had so many coupons, i just didn’t know what to do with myself. that being said i organized my coupons & made a list last night. ha

so yes i have some plans, nothing is definite. that’s what scares me. everything could fall through. but i have to remember that college kids really don’t plan all that much. most tend to fly by the seat of their pants, and they like it that way.

oh and i have a therapist now. wow. yep, my next appointment is tuesday. you best believe you’ll be hearing about it.

now i think i’m off to bed. i’m probably going to sing “rain, rain go away, come again another day…”

innocence. sometimes i think i'm still this little girl & that i will never grow up.

“It is never too late to have a happy childhood”—Tom Robbins

Articles

refreshing

In Uncategorized on January 20, 2010 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , ,

i’m back loves. i love blogging. and i love all of you. thank you so much for being here for me. your kind warm words mean the world to me. && please know i have been reading, i’ve refrained from commenting but i couldn’t stop myself from reading, i like you all too much.

so what have i been doing for the past week? well, i’m not really sure. i’ve been doing school, i went home for the long weekend, and now i’m back to doing school. not all that much out of the ordinary. oh wait…i went to counseling yesterday afternoon.

yes counseling–i think i was honest. i told her about how i just feel uncomfortable, panicked, & still obsessed. i don’t know what’s going to happen next, they are going to call me within the week. she was nice, and will likely be the person i talk to. she also said they started a new protocol that has patients with eating issues work with a nutritionist and physician along with the therapist.

i’ve also gone to 2 yoga classes at the rec center. i’m really happy with them, over winter break i was looking for an actual studio to go to because i didn’t think the rec center classes would be that good. i was wrong, sure i’ve never tried a real studio so maybe i’m missing something, but these classes have been good. one day i hope to belong to a studio, but its just not in the cards at the moment.
yesterday we did splits :) i’m so surprised i could do them! & in savasana the instructor even gave us a little massage, pure bliss. i’m really hoping to make some friends in the classes.

as for the blog, i’ve been thinking about what kind of direction i want it to go in. if i want it to have a direction at all. honestly, i haven’t figured anything out. so i’m going to stick with going with the flow of it for now. but there may be some changes in the future ;) something FRESH.

back to me going home lots. i’m not sure what to think of it. i like being home, i like being around my family, i like the safety. but i also know that i’m using it as a crutch, so i don’t have to go out or hang out with new people. sure my social life is more active now than it was at indiana, i actually have chances to do things; now i’m just choosing not to. well, not for everything, but somethings—a basketball game over the weekend, a party on sunday, a basketball game tonight. i know this is how things start.
i have a goal to stay down here this whole weekend. unfortunately, thinking about it makes me anxious.

as for tonight i think i’m just going to take it easy…some yoga, whatever the wednesday shows are + homework. i also have to call my health insurance tomorrow, ew. & i lost my ID today, so i have to buy another one tomorrow. typical.

weheartit.com

kurt: every word is true.

Articles

not sure where i’m going

In Uncategorized on January 12, 2010 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged:

so i wrote a post yesterday & i didn’t want to post it. definitely the first time that has happened. it was whiney & pissy & stupid. basically that’s how i was feeling yesterday. i don’t want to discount my feelings, but come on i need to grow up sometimes.

i realized yesterday that i’m still stuck within myself. within restrictive thoughts, number thoughts, desperately refusing to actually gain weight. (please don’t worry for my well being, i am in the bmi range, just the lowest end)

i realized Ed is holding me back. i can’t “recover” on Ed’s terms.

at this point i’m not sure what to do. i made an appointment at the counseling center for next week.

& i think i’m going to take a break from blogging to see how that feels…

remember i love each and every one of you, if i don’t make my way back remember i am supporting all of you.

Articles

uh title-less. lo siento

In Uncategorized on January 6, 2010 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , ,

happy hump day my beautiful people! i hope its warmer where you are, because it’s painfully cold here. i’m chilled to my bones, even though my mom says i’m too young for that.

well i went home yesterday. ridiculous i know, ha but one of my friends was leaving for school today, and she was picking up her jeans just a few exits away so she came by and grabbed me. its just so easy being so close to home. can you hear the smile in my voice?? i got to sleep in a warm room & just had to get up at 630 for my dad to drop me off on his way to work. only bummer was that i left my new tj spicy hummus at home. but no worries, i can nearly guarantee i’ll be back soon to rescue it :)

& yes my friend and i stopped by trader joe’s, its right across the street from the alternation place. all my idea. guilty as charged. i got some dried apricots, pomegranate greek yogurt {um delicious, hello!!}, spicy hummus, && INDIAN; by the way i tried it in the store [step forward Ed tells me this is notttt okay, he’s wrong]

the sample t'was delicious, i just had to buy it

today has just been spent going to my 2 classes. easy peasy.

one thing though–i got “caught” calorie counting. well, not really caught per say, but i was questioned & my answer was “oh, it’s nothing”, “no big deal”, “really don’t worry about it”

:(

how embarrassing. part of me just wanted to explain the whole thing (Ed and all) when we walked back to the apartments, another part of me planned to lie and say i was balancing my expenses if he happened to ask about it again. i’m pretty sure neither option is the way to go. i’m glad it didn’t come up again. has this ever happened to you? & down to the root of it, calorie counting? ugghh!

to be honest today after my afternoon snack Ed told me i was done. done for the day. no one would know, i could just crawl into bed. i get pissed at myself for having these thoughts, but i allow them to happen. i have yet to find my spark to change.

aside from that jazz i’m all by my lonesome in my apartment at the moment [cougar town is on tonight with lisa kudro!! friends mini reunion, except not really, but i don’t care, i’m still excited!!]

want to see my place?? sure you do :)

my side of the room (my bed is so tall, definitely takes some climbing to get into, hah)

the kitchen!

did i tell you that a majority of my stuff was food?

top of my desk, just some happy things

well time to have a snack so i’m off :) hope everyone has a lovely night!!

“Be curious, not judgmental.” — Walt Whitman

Articles

and so it begins

In Uncategorized on January 4, 2010 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , , , ,

so it happened, it’s real, i’m a bearcat. ah! aside from the fact that it is 16 degrees outside, things are going pretty well. my apartment is relatively huge, my roommates are nice {and they eat, i had a mini irrational fear that they wouldn’t}, & i figured out how to turn the heat on today [would have helped to know last night when i was a popsicle in bed]. oh i did leave this morning without my key card, cause i thought i already lost it, but then i found it on my desk when i got back. silly me.

i had two classes today–financial accounting and business foundations [can’t believe i have to take this] and one of my guy friends from high school is in both of them! score. i now have someone to sit with & walk me home :) plus i even have time to do yoga!! happy!

&& my dad came to visit me before he went to the basketball game with my grandpa. i soo love being closer to home. 20 minutes baby!! good thing because i left like a ba-jillion things at home (remote control, dvds, spatula, baking sheet, the list goes on)

on the food front, eh i’m doing okay. yes i’m eating, more at a maintenance level than a gaining level, i’m doing a lot of measuring, i calorie count once a day [just to keep track], and i have rationalized myself out of getting food with a friend. not the hugest deals in the world, but not really steps forward in recovery. i’ve rationalized that i’m just getting myself into place here, i don’t want to try too much too fast. its kind of a cop out, i need to realize that if i want to have fun i need to suck it up and kick Ed out. i feel like a pansy admitting this, i’ve just let Ed become such of a comfort. i just feel content with it. even though i overcooked my oats this morning, wahhh– i think it’s time to start thinking about taking another step…

however i am snacking on some of these beautiful babies :)

so delicious :)

**miss sam (merrittothecarrot) is having the most delicious of giveaways :)

**update:: if you ever need/want to email me i’m now using a different one– hageremily@cinci.rr.com

i love my fellow bloggers so much :) because you guys want me to tell you what makes me happy. major thanks to miss amanda [.seek.], emily [secret doors], and rachael [ruby converse and curls] tagged me in this fabulous award!!

all that i need to do is tell you 10 things that make me happy, try to do at least one of them today, and pick 10 bloggers who make me happy to pass this along to :)

  1. yoga–i feel like i could write for days on yoga, it is responsible for grounding me to this earth, i really have no idea where i would be without it.
  2. my family–i know, i know corny. but they never fail to listen to me, respect me, and love me. but they’re also there to call my out on my ridiculousness.
  3. oats–even though i’m trying not to have them every day for breakfast, they always make me happy.
  4. coffee & tea–always comforting, you can frown while sipping a wonderful warm drink.
  5. chatting–sure i’m not always up for being engaging and entertaining, but its really nice just talking to people.
  6. friends dvds–i love the show and the fact that the episodes never change, and still every time i watch them i laugh.
  7. cooking–i love creating new things in the kitchen, some may find my creations quite odd, but i think they’re delicious.
  8. walking–to class, around the neighborhood, in the park. i like that i walk places.
  9. being pleasantly surprised–i tend to expect the worst of everything but hope for the unrealistic best, which often leaves me disappointed. so its really nice when things surprise me.
  10. blogging–you girls are amazing. every comment, each of your posts, touch me. thank you for being :)

i would love to pass this award to — rebecca (from here to there in purple), sophia (burp and slurp), eleanor (pieces of her), kailey (peanut butter bliss), devan (watermelon tequila), sam (merrittothecarrot), lexi (starlight diner), tat (tatianna lives), katie (faith food & fitness), shelley (finding happiness and health)

sorry for the snooze of a post, just adjusting… & totally picture-less, boo, i shall change that! the camera comes out tomorrow :)

BIG LOVE!!

“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.” — Allen Ginsberg

oh, when did i forget how much i adore allen ginsberg?

Articles

2009

In Uncategorized on December 31, 2009 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,

here we go. its time to look at 2009. i’ll warn you, it’s not going to be pretty. if i had to describe this year in 3 words: unhappy, eating, disorder.

sometimes i look at my journal, usually to see how stupid i was, or how i attempted to write out my feelings. it serves as an indulgence, i think i’m indulging in self-centered-ness. but i think this is the first time i have been scared to look at my journal. why? well for one nearly everything scares me at least a little bit these days, and that i’m not just going to ignore the words.

January: new years felt like a binge-cookies, dip, sugary alcohol, 4 of us just sitting around. i beat myself up for that. i was still heavy at that point, but i was vegetarian. my journal: “i love being vegetarian. it makes me something. i am vegetarian. i am skinnier too. it sort of rocks a lot. a lot. a lot.” everyone i knew, knew that i was vegetarian. i told everyone, looking back i must have sounded like fool. & i visited the nutritionist, she recommended i visit CAPS. i think i was flattered in a way, but i ignored her, i was still heavy.

February: valentine’s day stands out for me. i called my sister to wish her a happy birthday and ended up balling desperately asking my mom to pick me up so i didn’t have to spend the day alone at school. but, that wasn’t an option so i spent most of the day at starbucks. i told myself that i could accept who i was and how my body was. i was alone, and i felt it. i think i nearly binged on oatmeal raisin cookies the next day which caused me to flip out. i decided the next week “i can be a vegetarian runner in business”

March: i don’t remember march. nothing specific happened, i think i spent a lot of time running, doing 8-minute abs, researching diets, searching calories and nutrition facts. i avoided going out, i was full of excuses. i did go down to south caroline to visit my friend on spring break, i had a good time but as soon as they ordered chocolate cake i bitched out, there was no way on earth i was having a bite.

April: more of march’s doings, had a mini breakdown walking home from going out to eat. i started making plans on what i was going to do differently, while trying to accept that this was my life. little 500 happened (the greatest college weekend) thank god i ran into 2 of my friends outside, because i spent the weekend with them. at one drunk point i considered out loud that i might have an eating disorder. but there was little discussion about it, so i just ignored it.

May: my birthday, hell. during finals week. i treated myself to starbucks oatmeal for breakfast, i really wanted just to spend the day there. but i was demanded to come back to my dorm to have lunch with my “friends” in the dining hall, they thought it was really special that we all got to eat the shit food together. i was not amused. at one point they joked about getting me a cake, but they knew i wouldn’t eat it, and i decided even if they thought i would eat the cake they would have never gotten it for me. i did bake myself a cake when i got home from school, strawberry with cream cheese frosting. i had a small slice.
i also started work in an office. in my mind i was sitting on my butt all day. i thought every night i needed to be at the gym to make up for sitting at work.

June: more work. but it was getting harder for me to actually work out, time was slipping away and i was tired, so i got pissed. i did cut down, but i also started finding any reason i could to take walks at work, i found stairs to walk up, i researched more diet information. (by this point i was eating meat again).
i took a road trip with my two oldest friends. i was miserable, and was beginning to realize that i didn’t think like other people, that i cared about different things. i fell down the stairs and had another breakdown.

July: i ran the hyde park blast (4 miles) sure i walked more than i wanted to, but i ran most of it. the last few hundred yards my chest was dying. i couldn’t even manage to find anything at the blast worth eating after the race. still working about 35 hour weeks. i did become enthralled with yoga :)

August: my mom and i talked about how i needed to change, and how she was scared for me to go back to school. i tried out some therapy, but this woman convinced me i was fine, i just had some perfectionist issues.
then i went back to school. i had the most desperate night of my life. i called my mom and told her to pick me up, i didn’t want to do school at indiana, i needed to be home, i couldn’t be there. i spent hours sobbing, begging my mom and dad to pick me up. they told me i could do this, it would make me stronger. i think i cried for 2 days, i just hurt.

September: i realized i could get plenty of exercise walking around campus, i walked everywhere and always took the stairs, even the 10 flights up to my room. i think i went out once, and the night didn’t end well. [which puts my number of times going out for the semester to be 2]

October: decided to transfer officially. started to blog (i think).

November: thanksgiving, prepared to leave. did my school work. attempted to entertain myself, fighting between the conflict of wanting to hang out with people, while telling myself that i had lost the ability to relate to people, telling myself that no one would want to hang out with me, and that i couldn’t face the anxiety of hanging out with other people.

December: went to CAPS.

so that was my year. and its been all about me in my head. what i’ve done, what others have done to me. what i did wrong, what i’ve chosen to eat and not eat, how i’m unhappy. sure this year wasn’t easy, i faced a lot of things i had never faced before. i was rejected from some clubs, i was without a best friend at school. my life had changed. and all i saw was that i had gained weight in the first semester and i was going to loose it to bring things back to normal. i put every ounce of this on myself. and though i’ve tampered with the idea of “getting better” i’ve wanted to do it under the condition of staying thin. {i’m short, i should be thin <–one of Ed’s fiercest weapons, i often remember that i was heavy, Ed has so much pride in the fact that i have actually lost weight since january}.
i spent the first half of the year getting thin, and the rest of the year desperately trying to stay that way, the meanwhile isolating and berating myself. Ed made me a little bubble, a bubble i’ve been expecting and waiting for someone else to pop.

i have yet to trust that i am enough.

this year i am starting at a new school. in a new apartment. with new roommates. new classes. new people. sure, i’m scared shitless. but i can be happy. you can be happy. because: WE ARE ALL ENOUGH.

this year i am planning to embrace the fact that i have the ability to be human. as tonight i am going to a party, i have no idea what the night will bring, all i know is that i have some wine and old friends.

care to join me?

“Life is too important to be taken seriously.” — Oscar Wilde