Posts Tagged ‘goals’

Articles

realizing yoga

In Uncategorized on January 22, 2010 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , , ,

thanks for the warm welcome back my beautiful bloggies. & ps (as i’m sure you all know) miss maggie is having the most fabulous of giveaways :) i’m hoping to recreate one of her breakfasts on saturday!

today was quite the useless day. however i did get a few things done:

  • bought the replacement ID
  • got my bearcat cash put back on it
  • hopefully got insurance figured out
  • tried the ashtanga class

&& that’s about it. more on the ashtanga yoga class–it was meh. i was as impressed with the teacher as i was on tuesday, i don’t know maybe i’m just a yoga snob. i’m thinking next thursday i’m trying out “yoga tricks” ha that should be interesting fun! maybe on wednesday i’ll check out “yoga chill

but you know what this class did get me thinking; i was getting down on myself for it not being that good of a practice (oh yeah i definitely had to pee the whole time–not a good time), but i continued to think and i realized that i do yoga. i could even venture to call myself a little yogini. hello i practice nearly everyday. yoga is a part of my life. and with that i realized not every practice has to be the ‘best’, i need to welcome more mentally challenging practices rather than physically challenging. so i am going to focus on truly setting intentions for my time on the mat, the first of which—to release judgement & hostility. its going to take a lot of practice, but most important things do.

now, i know you are all dying to find out what weekend may have in store for me ;)
tomorrow (friday)–no plans at the moment, eek.
saturday–lunch with a sorority [yep i’m thinking about informal rush…ah], maybe drinking hanging out with some friends
sunday–hopefully going to whole foods with my grandma (as in i haven’t called her yet to ask) **side note on whole foods, i went this weekend & could hardly handle it, i had so many coupons, i just didn’t know what to do with myself. that being said i organized my coupons & made a list last night. ha

so yes i have some plans, nothing is definite. that’s what scares me. everything could fall through. but i have to remember that college kids really don’t plan all that much. most tend to fly by the seat of their pants, and they like it that way.

oh and i have a therapist now. wow. yep, my next appointment is tuesday. you best believe you’ll be hearing about it.

now i think i’m off to bed. i’m probably going to sing “rain, rain go away, come again another day…”

innocence. sometimes i think i'm still this little girl & that i will never grow up.

“It is never too late to have a happy childhood”—Tom Robbins

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Articles

refreshing

In Uncategorized on January 20, 2010 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , ,

i’m back loves. i love blogging. and i love all of you. thank you so much for being here for me. your kind warm words mean the world to me. && please know i have been reading, i’ve refrained from commenting but i couldn’t stop myself from reading, i like you all too much.

so what have i been doing for the past week? well, i’m not really sure. i’ve been doing school, i went home for the long weekend, and now i’m back to doing school. not all that much out of the ordinary. oh wait…i went to counseling yesterday afternoon.

yes counseling–i think i was honest. i told her about how i just feel uncomfortable, panicked, & still obsessed. i don’t know what’s going to happen next, they are going to call me within the week. she was nice, and will likely be the person i talk to. she also said they started a new protocol that has patients with eating issues work with a nutritionist and physician along with the therapist.

i’ve also gone to 2 yoga classes at the rec center. i’m really happy with them, over winter break i was looking for an actual studio to go to because i didn’t think the rec center classes would be that good. i was wrong, sure i’ve never tried a real studio so maybe i’m missing something, but these classes have been good. one day i hope to belong to a studio, but its just not in the cards at the moment.
yesterday we did splits :) i’m so surprised i could do them! & in savasana the instructor even gave us a little massage, pure bliss. i’m really hoping to make some friends in the classes.

as for the blog, i’ve been thinking about what kind of direction i want it to go in. if i want it to have a direction at all. honestly, i haven’t figured anything out. so i’m going to stick with going with the flow of it for now. but there may be some changes in the future ;) something FRESH.

back to me going home lots. i’m not sure what to think of it. i like being home, i like being around my family, i like the safety. but i also know that i’m using it as a crutch, so i don’t have to go out or hang out with new people. sure my social life is more active now than it was at indiana, i actually have chances to do things; now i’m just choosing not to. well, not for everything, but somethings—a basketball game over the weekend, a party on sunday, a basketball game tonight. i know this is how things start.
i have a goal to stay down here this whole weekend. unfortunately, thinking about it makes me anxious.

as for tonight i think i’m just going to take it easy…some yoga, whatever the wednesday shows are + homework. i also have to call my health insurance tomorrow, ew. & i lost my ID today, so i have to buy another one tomorrow. typical.

weheartit.com

kurt: every word is true.

Articles

2009

In Uncategorized on December 31, 2009 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,

here we go. its time to look at 2009. i’ll warn you, it’s not going to be pretty. if i had to describe this year in 3 words: unhappy, eating, disorder.

sometimes i look at my journal, usually to see how stupid i was, or how i attempted to write out my feelings. it serves as an indulgence, i think i’m indulging in self-centered-ness. but i think this is the first time i have been scared to look at my journal. why? well for one nearly everything scares me at least a little bit these days, and that i’m not just going to ignore the words.

January: new years felt like a binge-cookies, dip, sugary alcohol, 4 of us just sitting around. i beat myself up for that. i was still heavy at that point, but i was vegetarian. my journal: “i love being vegetarian. it makes me something. i am vegetarian. i am skinnier too. it sort of rocks a lot. a lot. a lot.” everyone i knew, knew that i was vegetarian. i told everyone, looking back i must have sounded like fool. & i visited the nutritionist, she recommended i visit CAPS. i think i was flattered in a way, but i ignored her, i was still heavy.

February: valentine’s day stands out for me. i called my sister to wish her a happy birthday and ended up balling desperately asking my mom to pick me up so i didn’t have to spend the day alone at school. but, that wasn’t an option so i spent most of the day at starbucks. i told myself that i could accept who i was and how my body was. i was alone, and i felt it. i think i nearly binged on oatmeal raisin cookies the next day which caused me to flip out. i decided the next week “i can be a vegetarian runner in business”

March: i don’t remember march. nothing specific happened, i think i spent a lot of time running, doing 8-minute abs, researching diets, searching calories and nutrition facts. i avoided going out, i was full of excuses. i did go down to south caroline to visit my friend on spring break, i had a good time but as soon as they ordered chocolate cake i bitched out, there was no way on earth i was having a bite.

April: more of march’s doings, had a mini breakdown walking home from going out to eat. i started making plans on what i was going to do differently, while trying to accept that this was my life. little 500 happened (the greatest college weekend) thank god i ran into 2 of my friends outside, because i spent the weekend with them. at one drunk point i considered out loud that i might have an eating disorder. but there was little discussion about it, so i just ignored it.

May: my birthday, hell. during finals week. i treated myself to starbucks oatmeal for breakfast, i really wanted just to spend the day there. but i was demanded to come back to my dorm to have lunch with my “friends” in the dining hall, they thought it was really special that we all got to eat the shit food together. i was not amused. at one point they joked about getting me a cake, but they knew i wouldn’t eat it, and i decided even if they thought i would eat the cake they would have never gotten it for me. i did bake myself a cake when i got home from school, strawberry with cream cheese frosting. i had a small slice.
i also started work in an office. in my mind i was sitting on my butt all day. i thought every night i needed to be at the gym to make up for sitting at work.

June: more work. but it was getting harder for me to actually work out, time was slipping away and i was tired, so i got pissed. i did cut down, but i also started finding any reason i could to take walks at work, i found stairs to walk up, i researched more diet information. (by this point i was eating meat again).
i took a road trip with my two oldest friends. i was miserable, and was beginning to realize that i didn’t think like other people, that i cared about different things. i fell down the stairs and had another breakdown.

July: i ran the hyde park blast (4 miles) sure i walked more than i wanted to, but i ran most of it. the last few hundred yards my chest was dying. i couldn’t even manage to find anything at the blast worth eating after the race. still working about 35 hour weeks. i did become enthralled with yoga :)

August: my mom and i talked about how i needed to change, and how she was scared for me to go back to school. i tried out some therapy, but this woman convinced me i was fine, i just had some perfectionist issues.
then i went back to school. i had the most desperate night of my life. i called my mom and told her to pick me up, i didn’t want to do school at indiana, i needed to be home, i couldn’t be there. i spent hours sobbing, begging my mom and dad to pick me up. they told me i could do this, it would make me stronger. i think i cried for 2 days, i just hurt.

September: i realized i could get plenty of exercise walking around campus, i walked everywhere and always took the stairs, even the 10 flights up to my room. i think i went out once, and the night didn’t end well. [which puts my number of times going out for the semester to be 2]

October: decided to transfer officially. started to blog (i think).

November: thanksgiving, prepared to leave. did my school work. attempted to entertain myself, fighting between the conflict of wanting to hang out with people, while telling myself that i had lost the ability to relate to people, telling myself that no one would want to hang out with me, and that i couldn’t face the anxiety of hanging out with other people.

December: went to CAPS.

so that was my year. and its been all about me in my head. what i’ve done, what others have done to me. what i did wrong, what i’ve chosen to eat and not eat, how i’m unhappy. sure this year wasn’t easy, i faced a lot of things i had never faced before. i was rejected from some clubs, i was without a best friend at school. my life had changed. and all i saw was that i had gained weight in the first semester and i was going to loose it to bring things back to normal. i put every ounce of this on myself. and though i’ve tampered with the idea of “getting better” i’ve wanted to do it under the condition of staying thin. {i’m short, i should be thin <–one of Ed’s fiercest weapons, i often remember that i was heavy, Ed has so much pride in the fact that i have actually lost weight since january}.
i spent the first half of the year getting thin, and the rest of the year desperately trying to stay that way, the meanwhile isolating and berating myself. Ed made me a little bubble, a bubble i’ve been expecting and waiting for someone else to pop.

i have yet to trust that i am enough.

this year i am starting at a new school. in a new apartment. with new roommates. new classes. new people. sure, i’m scared shitless. but i can be happy. you can be happy. because: WE ARE ALL ENOUGH.

this year i am planning to embrace the fact that i have the ability to be human. as tonight i am going to a party, i have no idea what the night will bring, all i know is that i have some wine and old friends.

care to join me?

“Life is too important to be taken seriously.” — Oscar Wilde

Articles

through

In Uncategorized on December 16, 2009 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , , ,

‘Cause they say the best way out is through–“Ungodly Hour”–The Fray

good afternoon my dears! i cannot get over how wonderful you all are, i am so glad that you guys know just what to say to whip me back into shape :) i am so grateful for all of you.

i am in the process of packing up my room and preparing for my last final. and since i had absolutely no real obligations today i treated myself to 45 of hot power fusion love.

i’ve been thinking a lot about my denial, and i’ve come to a few realizations. the first being that it has been a while since i put myself in a challenging situation, so i have not had to make any anxiety provoking decisions. essentially i have kept myself in my easy bubble, which is a good way to trick myself that i am fine. but in thinking about it i am about to experience a lot of changes. i am going home where things are different and the food is different, i am going to have a hectic schedule and then i am moving in with three new girls january 1st. to me these are all big changes that are not easy to handle.

i also realized that it takes me like an hour to eat a meal. this isn’t an option when i am busy, and its not a realistic way to eat.

so once i get home my mom and i are going to figure out what’s next. but even sooner i have a nutritionist appointment tomorrow morning. and i have figured out what my new outlook is going to be: i am eating to get my period back. it is a problem that i haven’t had a period since march.

also i found out today that my free t4 levels are low, they told me this is common with eating disorders and by googling all i managed to find was that it has to do with hypothyroidism, anyone have any experience with free t4 levels?

ah here is my new love:

this smells so good, it is a wonderful hand lotion to put on before bed ($0.97 at target, i say you go buy some)

other than all that jazz i sold back my books today, and worked on using up all my meal points, but i still have 30 left to spend! so it looks like more clifs, lunas, gum, iced tea :) and a latte too. funny how i was convinced i was going to run out of meal points just a few weeks ago.

well it seems i should get back to packing, so much fun. but i am not complaining because I’M LEAVING TOMORROW :) anyone else way too excited for this week to end?

happy wednesday my dears!! &&

the oh so amazing shelley tagged me with this beautiful award :) thanks again girl!

7 random facts about moi:

  1. i used to be a gymnast & a cheerleader, but i am more flexible now than i ever was then (thank you yoga)
  2. my senior year i was general manager of my high school school store, the comet zone
  3. my dad calls me emily krackalin because when i was a baby i couldn’t pronounce katherine
  4. one of my favorite things to do is drive with the windows down, radio up, and just sing (especially party in the usa ha)
  5. i have no sense of direction what so ever
  6. i fall down quite often, usually while trying to walk up stairs
  7. my favorite movie when i was little was the jungle book :)

i would like to share this with–tatianna, theemptynutjar, rebecca, sophia, emily, sam, katie

Articles

life as it is

In Uncategorized on December 8, 2009 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , ,

happy evening beauties! how’s this week treating you? unbearably slow? yeah, me too.

so, have i been studying? have i been stressing? nah not really.

i’ve been watching too much tv, as i am currently multitasking (watching the biggest loser finale–what can i say i can’t really manage to do just one thing at a time), i’ve been cursing the weather gods (tried to cheer myself up about the rain today by donning a baseball cap, did not work, and i still got wet), all in all avoiding studying. no motivation. none what so ever.

oh yeah it snowed yesterday. i didn't really like it.

& i have a cold. i have done everything i can possibly think of to make it go away–dayquil, nyquil, chicken noodle soup, ginger ale (zevia style ;) i rocked), tea, more tea, halls. & i still have a cold. i should probably point out that i’ve had this cold for all of 2 days. i am a drama queen/big baby.

bedtime snack with a side of nyquil. & i still woke up at 7am, had to chill in bed for a whole hour.

what has been nice is that in my defiant act of acceptance of this week and the next i haven’t been so angry, i’ve just set myself in waiting really, and i think it’s okay for the time being.

in other news the group project that stressed me to the point that i think i got my first grey hair (i am 19, not okay) earned our group an A. i feel as though i should be elated to some extent. but really in actuality i don’t really care. i don’t feel all that much about it. i don’t think i am very good at this feeling called happy.

as for my goal [doing something that scares me everyday] i’ve thought about.

today i studied with a girl from my stats class, but that wasn’t all that scary. what was more scary was planning it yesterday, making a point that i wanted to study today and asking her to text me today. it frustrates me that this scared me. and you know what i honestly believed she wouldn’t text me today. i was really surprised when she did text me.

now here is another thing, tomorrow. tomorrow (night–aka 9:15pm) i have an opportunity to have pizza (read fear food) at a WFA study session. my mom dared me to have a slice. i told here i would think about it. i’m trying not to think too much about it. tips ladies?

well i think that enough of my petty drama for one night. so many giggles from y’alls comments on my silly grocery post, serious smiles, i love that all y’all visit my blogg!

i’ll leave with something personal...how do you feel about therapy? i know some of you have talked about it, and i myself went this summer for a short time, i recently looked over some of the things she had given me and realized how in the wrong frame i was when i talked with her, how against it i was, even though i made all the appointments, no one forced me. but lately i’ve been wondering if i need to find myself someone else, so i can truly recover. so what do you think? would you recommend it? (i know this is a lot to ask)

love love.

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” —Shakespeare

Articles

i accept the next 13 days

In Uncategorized on December 4, 2009 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , , ,

happy friday my loves!! i hope you are keeping warm because it is faaa-reezing here!!

muchas gracias por la comments on my last post :) i’m so glad you all understand, deep down i knew you would ;)

so what have i been up to on this frigid friday? well shopping of course :) i walked my butt down to kirkwood to find a christmas gift for my sister, luckily i succeeded at urban outfitters. i got myself some lunch and tea then made my way back to my room. all in all it took 4 hours, probably because i’m a turtle when i shop & eat. whatever i had nothing better to do…well actually i skipped out on a yogini session (yoga club i helped create in the business school) but i just did not want to go, so i didn’t.

and that would be my event for the day, haven’t done much of anything else…attempted at a nap [ended up crying instead? hmm], enjoyed some hot-power fusion yogadownloads, had dinner, currently depressing myself over “say yes to the dress”, after this i’m finishing my accounting essay & sleeping, exciting day!! just kidding, my mom told me i was grandma this morning and she speaks the truth. only 13 more days!

now this is something i am working on, accepting life as it is. for me life right now includes: studying for finals, going to one more week of classes, visiting professors during office hours, watching movies on tv, eating microwaved food, doing dishes in the bathroom, breathing, packing up my things, desperately waiting for my dad to get here on the 17th at 4pm just so he can give me a hug.

nothing miraculous is going to happen, the days aren’t going to disappear, i’m not going to automatically know everything i need to for my exams.

but i can laugh & giggle during small talk with acquaintances, i can draw a picture, i can dance during yoga, i can make indefinite plans for christmas break. i can be hopeful.

my spirit can be bright

hopeful is hard for me, i equate hopeful with hopeless & stupid. i’ve always been afraid of being made into a fool, of being laughed at behind my back, of not seeing the brutal blow ahead of time. i expect myself to see the future and read minds. i can predict someone’s next move and interpret their silence. i’ve stood by this belief for years.

but right now I QUIT.

i know rationally that nothing changes over night, i can’t predict the future, and i can’t read minds. so i’m done trying to. i am accepting things as they are & living through it. i am removing my expectations for the time being. all i can do right now is my best. and my best does not have to be the best.

i may not be living life to the fullest, i am not being wild & crazy. i am going to do what i want to do with what i have.

i do however have one goal—to capture my current life in photographs, i am going to take pictures of where i am for the next 13 days so i don’t forget.

a happy friday to all! and to all a good night!

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be. —The Beatles

please know that i am so very grateful that each and every one of you are here.

Articles

lost in the rain

In Uncategorized on December 2, 2009 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , ,

hello my beautiful people!

miss pb&jenny is having a wonderful cookie giveaway at the moment!!

thank you to everyone who left me some tips on how to occupy myself in my confusing moments of downtime :) i can guarantee i will be putting them into practice this weekend

so yesterday i made a list of things that i have been thinking a lot about lately. first thought on the list: feeling as though i am lost

this feeling causes me panic, anxiety & stress. it’s not enjoyable and it takes me a while to re-ground myself when i begin to feel this way. let me first explain the feeling–i can be anywhere, don’t just about anything and it hits me, “what’s next? what’s now? what am i doing?” my head starts spinning with questions, then i find that i can’t focus on anything except this unpleasant feeling. i want to run. i want to crawl into a hole. i want it all to stop. i am lost in a see of thoughts that are negative, unhappy, & restrictive. i don’t know what to do with myself in these moments that seem endless.

i’m sure you’re thinking, well emily you we know you do not constantly have these feelings so what happens next?

i breathe, i loose touch with the moment, who i’m with, what is happening & i try to pull back. i find myself physically walking away from what it is that i am doing. i keep breathing. i try to chase away the panic, chase away the anxiety. when this happens at home i cry. i lay down on the floor and cry. anything to release the feeling.

once i feel more sane i begin to wonder, am i the only one who thinks this much? why do i care about everything? and eventually i talk myself into believing that i was just being dramatic and i made the episode up. i shut the feeling out and pretend as though it never existed. i take up a little task and get on with my life. until it happens again.

i wouldn’t worry about this so much if it didn’t happen to me often…but honestly it does. i wish i could explain it better. that’s what i am try to do here, explain it to myself. i am trying to remind myself that i get this feeling and i don’t handle it well, and i can’t keep handling it this way for the rest of my life. i have to open myself up and be vulnerable because i believe others can help me with this, because i can’t be the only one who gets these feelings, i can’t be.

this prompts a new goal for myself–stating my feelings out loud, accepting that they exist and living through them. (sounds like quite a lofty goal to me)

since this goal is pretty abstract i think it is important to create a concrete example of what i mean: before thanksgiving break i had made many plans to spend time with one of my best friends who goes to school in SC, long story short i saw her for a total of 3 hours (unquality time) and this really hurt my feelings, as she did many things over break with a friend she brought up with her from school. all in all i felt left out and forgotten, especially after i had been excited about all our plans.

so sunday before classes started i sent her a text, telling her she hurt my feelings over break. just that simple, i didn’t go into detail, i just left it at that. i didn’t get a response, well until the next evening when she called and we talked about it and she apologized. now we both feel better and hopefully with spend time together over christmas.

a couple months ago i wouldn’t have handled this that way, i would have stayed hurt and expected her to figure it out and been even more hurt when she didn’t read my mind. i want to continue to handle these things in a mature fashion.

ah my thoughtfulness of the day, hope y’all don’t think i’m a crazy baby ;)

if you were wondering i am currently enjoying–

grande 2% misto with 1 pump sf cinnamon dolce, mmm

yes your eyes are not deceiving you this is a 2% misto, not fat free, because you know what i need the fat. i have been going for the 2% for about a month now, no regrets, do it :)

hope everyone has a beautiful hump day, its raining and yucky here & my uggs are most definitely not water proof so i’ve been trudging around with puddles in my boots all day….

“The best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain.”—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

i really like this quote, i think it says a lot about accepting & living with circumstances, even though they may not seem ideal