Posts Tagged ‘life’

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embrace it.

In Uncategorized on February 18, 2010 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , ,

i’m embracing attitude now  a days. just because i can. today i’ve had my standard pot of black coffee with breakfast. a half an hour ago i stepped into starbucks and ordered a venti americano, since no one’s stopping me.

i’m still rocking yoga pants & slippers to class. since i like to stay classy.

i go stir crazy in my apartment and always take the long way across campus. i tell myself that it’s okay not to do yoga everyday and i still get anxious when i don’t do it wednesdays and fridays. i tell myself that two days with mini walks won’t kill me or make me blow up like a balloon but my mind begs to differ.

i contemplate, analyze, and overthink. i think it’s okay that i’m on the verge of crazy. isn’t everyone?

i thought about giving up measuring for lent but i decided i didn’t want to put myself through the torment. especially since i never practice my catholic heritage.

i was just taken back to my early gymnastics days. i saw the logo of my club, a good looking man was carrying the duffle. i realized there was no way i could have said anything to him about it because i never moved past compulsory when i was there. and i realized i stopped practicing there seven years ago. i often forget the fact that i wasn’t content even then.

i live in the past, the way things used to be, the way i used to be, the way other’s used to be. everything changes. i’ve changed, they’ve changed, things changed. life never stops.

i’m idealistic, but i’m convinced i will never reach my ideals. i feel as though i have never reached my potential. but i have no idea what my potential is.

i forget that i am unique. but i also forget that i can relate to others.

i learned on tuesday that i am capable of painting my nails myself. sound strange? yes i believed if i painted my own nails they would look awful. so i always pay to have them done. i’m not bad at painting nails. it is calming. but i hate waiting for them to dry. it makes me antsy.

i cannot pinpoint my largest fear. sometimes i think i just afraid of life. i’m afraid of being hurt by anyone other than myself. i’m afraid of being alone.

i am glad that i don’t feel the need to push the way i eat onto other people. i’m glad i don’t constantly tell people how much better organic apples taste versus regular apples. i eat regular apples and i love them. hell my perfect apple would be grown on my own apple tree. i’m possessive.

i want to have dinner parties, complete with wine, fancy cheese, seven courses, & opera cream coffee with dessert. it will probably never happen. & i will compare all the dinner parties i go to, to this party i have created in my head, and it’s very likely nothing will ever live up to it.
i’m not lying when i say that when i went on a cruise i expected it to be like the titanic.

i feel the need to complicate simple things to challenge myself and ultimately fail.

but i’m trying to embrace my attitude. i can do anything. i can say anything. i can be anything. so can you.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” — Buddha

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blog love

In Uncategorized on February 3, 2010 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , ,

are you there blog? it’s me emily. oh my blog loves you are the best there are & i only speak the truths. my apologies if my commenting has been a bit sporadic, i’ve been somewhat busy.

well, i joined a sorority. & maybe its because i’ve been around a huge group of girls, but my emotions are all over the place. one thing is for sure though–i’m terrified. part of me is thinking “what in the world did i just do?”. i’ll be the first to admit that its only been 2 days and i’m being extremely dramatic.

&& i’ve had it with one of my roommates. she is so loud, and she really likes to turn up the tv to an obscene volume, pet peeve. and she asks too many questions, but i have been forcing myself to answer her, just not always as energetically as her. and she chews with her mouth open. what the hell?

all that aside (can you tell i haven’t done yoga yet today??) i’m swimming along. i have therapy tomorrow and i think i’m going to be a freak and make a list of all i want to talk about (sometimes i don’t know what to say and end up mute). i even called the dietitian today and left a message, so hopefully i’ll hear from her tomorrow.

so, i was bored in accounting today (what’s new?) and i decided that even though it was misty and chilly i needed to go to clifton natural foods. synergy needs obviously, read the plan was only to spend $3.

plan didn't work out quite so well. but as you can tell it was not my fault.

1. i didn’t know maranatha made sunflower seed butter.
2. i’ve never had sunflower seed butter.
3. only $3.29
4. i’ve never had guavas. therefore guava goddess.

tested out my new nut butter with some apple slices. YUM! i loved it & the sunflowers on the jar make me smile.

currently i’m watching modern family, then getting a mini yoga fix, then probably going to bed (i was up till 12:30 last, who am i??). you know standard :)

—also devan wanted me to let all her blog loves know that she was admitted yesterday. please keep sweet sweet beautiful devan in your thoughts & send your support & love.

Articles

and so it begins

In Uncategorized on January 4, 2010 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , , , ,

so it happened, it’s real, i’m a bearcat. ah! aside from the fact that it is 16 degrees outside, things are going pretty well. my apartment is relatively huge, my roommates are nice {and they eat, i had a mini irrational fear that they wouldn’t}, & i figured out how to turn the heat on today [would have helped to know last night when i was a popsicle in bed]. oh i did leave this morning without my key card, cause i thought i already lost it, but then i found it on my desk when i got back. silly me.

i had two classes today–financial accounting and business foundations [can’t believe i have to take this] and one of my guy friends from high school is in both of them! score. i now have someone to sit with & walk me home :) plus i even have time to do yoga!! happy!

&& my dad came to visit me before he went to the basketball game with my grandpa. i soo love being closer to home. 20 minutes baby!! good thing because i left like a ba-jillion things at home (remote control, dvds, spatula, baking sheet, the list goes on)

on the food front, eh i’m doing okay. yes i’m eating, more at a maintenance level than a gaining level, i’m doing a lot of measuring, i calorie count once a day [just to keep track], and i have rationalized myself out of getting food with a friend. not the hugest deals in the world, but not really steps forward in recovery. i’ve rationalized that i’m just getting myself into place here, i don’t want to try too much too fast. its kind of a cop out, i need to realize that if i want to have fun i need to suck it up and kick Ed out. i feel like a pansy admitting this, i’ve just let Ed become such of a comfort. i just feel content with it. even though i overcooked my oats this morning, wahhh– i think it’s time to start thinking about taking another step…

however i am snacking on some of these beautiful babies :)

so delicious :)

**miss sam (merrittothecarrot) is having the most delicious of giveaways :)

**update:: if you ever need/want to email me i’m now using a different one– hageremily@cinci.rr.com

i love my fellow bloggers so much :) because you guys want me to tell you what makes me happy. major thanks to miss amanda [.seek.], emily [secret doors], and rachael [ruby converse and curls] tagged me in this fabulous award!!

all that i need to do is tell you 10 things that make me happy, try to do at least one of them today, and pick 10 bloggers who make me happy to pass this along to :)

  1. yoga–i feel like i could write for days on yoga, it is responsible for grounding me to this earth, i really have no idea where i would be without it.
  2. my family–i know, i know corny. but they never fail to listen to me, respect me, and love me. but they’re also there to call my out on my ridiculousness.
  3. oats–even though i’m trying not to have them every day for breakfast, they always make me happy.
  4. coffee & tea–always comforting, you can frown while sipping a wonderful warm drink.
  5. chatting–sure i’m not always up for being engaging and entertaining, but its really nice just talking to people.
  6. friends dvds–i love the show and the fact that the episodes never change, and still every time i watch them i laugh.
  7. cooking–i love creating new things in the kitchen, some may find my creations quite odd, but i think they’re delicious.
  8. walking–to class, around the neighborhood, in the park. i like that i walk places.
  9. being pleasantly surprised–i tend to expect the worst of everything but hope for the unrealistic best, which often leaves me disappointed. so its really nice when things surprise me.
  10. blogging–you girls are amazing. every comment, each of your posts, touch me. thank you for being :)

i would love to pass this award to — rebecca (from here to there in purple), sophia (burp and slurp), eleanor (pieces of her), kailey (peanut butter bliss), devan (watermelon tequila), sam (merrittothecarrot), lexi (starlight diner), tat (tatianna lives), katie (faith food & fitness), shelley (finding happiness and health)

sorry for the snooze of a post, just adjusting… & totally picture-less, boo, i shall change that! the camera comes out tomorrow :)

BIG LOVE!!

“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.” — Allen Ginsberg

oh, when did i forget how much i adore allen ginsberg?

Articles

fresh new year

In Uncategorized on January 3, 2010 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , , ,

thank you so much for your most wonderful thoughts on my 2009 post. i tend to be a big dweller, but 2010 is about moving forward and growing from the past, so no dwelling.

okay so a quick recap of my new years eve: had to change my outfit 4 times (the dress kept changing from casual to dressy and then back), hopped in the the car and found out we were going to clifton which is where my new apartment is so quickly ran back inside to get my keys so i could talk everyone out of staying in the sketchy house. and boy did the party start awkwardly/boringly and then resulted in a typical house party, i was extremely out of the loop for a majority of the night but i just decided not to care. at least i didn’t have to suck on gross beer, since i came well equipped with mini wines {yeah everyone thought i was classy, ha}
then it was like 1:30 and there was no way i was staying at this house (by the way, how people managed to survive in this house is beyond me) so i began talking my friends in to heading to my apartment. luckily everyone agreed, but then we had to find our drivers purse which took forever! but we found it and headed out, and quickly realized we left two girls behind, one vomiting, ugh. [most vomit-y party i have ever been to by the way. yuck] but whatever we made it back to my apartment.
then at like 3 the fire alarm when off. i should probably let you know that it was ice cube weather, i was a little concerned i was going to end up with frostbite, i was in tights! well eventually we could go back in and we all passed out.

moral of the story: i went out. it was pretty ridiculous by my standards. i was uncomfortable. i feel kind of stuck up about it. these kind of things happen in real life.

yeah when i got home i was angry, i was tired, i was hungry. so i ate, parked my behind, and went to be early. so things are better.

now onto today, today we (me, my dad, my brother, my sister, & my other sister) moved some of my stuff into my apartment. wish i could say it was a fun loving experience where everyone joked and got along, but not the case, i had attitude. i was a bit stress and stress = attitude most of the time. working on it.

i think i'm just going to work hard at being nice to people ;)

so that must mean tomorrow’s the big day, i’m moving into my apartment for real, hopefully meeting my roommates, & really being a bearcat. i kind of wish i wasn’t so damn scared. i tried to do some yoga tonight, but i was totally not present, i was pretty pissed about it, but one day off won’t kill me, it will just make tomorrow’s practice that much better.

time to muster up some bravery...

ps — i totally loved reading everyone’s take on new years :)

now i will warn y’all blogging may take a back seat for a little bit, you know so i can get adjusted and such. not to say i won’t be reading, i am most definitely reading (you guys keep me sane!) but i may not be commenting/posting (who am i kidding i’ve been super sporadic over break as it is)  as much. i shall try my best! i love all of you :)

I can’t go back to yesterday – because I was a different person then. — Lewis Carroll

Articles

2009

In Uncategorized on December 31, 2009 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,

here we go. its time to look at 2009. i’ll warn you, it’s not going to be pretty. if i had to describe this year in 3 words: unhappy, eating, disorder.

sometimes i look at my journal, usually to see how stupid i was, or how i attempted to write out my feelings. it serves as an indulgence, i think i’m indulging in self-centered-ness. but i think this is the first time i have been scared to look at my journal. why? well for one nearly everything scares me at least a little bit these days, and that i’m not just going to ignore the words.

January: new years felt like a binge-cookies, dip, sugary alcohol, 4 of us just sitting around. i beat myself up for that. i was still heavy at that point, but i was vegetarian. my journal: “i love being vegetarian. it makes me something. i am vegetarian. i am skinnier too. it sort of rocks a lot. a lot. a lot.” everyone i knew, knew that i was vegetarian. i told everyone, looking back i must have sounded like fool. & i visited the nutritionist, she recommended i visit CAPS. i think i was flattered in a way, but i ignored her, i was still heavy.

February: valentine’s day stands out for me. i called my sister to wish her a happy birthday and ended up balling desperately asking my mom to pick me up so i didn’t have to spend the day alone at school. but, that wasn’t an option so i spent most of the day at starbucks. i told myself that i could accept who i was and how my body was. i was alone, and i felt it. i think i nearly binged on oatmeal raisin cookies the next day which caused me to flip out. i decided the next week “i can be a vegetarian runner in business”

March: i don’t remember march. nothing specific happened, i think i spent a lot of time running, doing 8-minute abs, researching diets, searching calories and nutrition facts. i avoided going out, i was full of excuses. i did go down to south caroline to visit my friend on spring break, i had a good time but as soon as they ordered chocolate cake i bitched out, there was no way on earth i was having a bite.

April: more of march’s doings, had a mini breakdown walking home from going out to eat. i started making plans on what i was going to do differently, while trying to accept that this was my life. little 500 happened (the greatest college weekend) thank god i ran into 2 of my friends outside, because i spent the weekend with them. at one drunk point i considered out loud that i might have an eating disorder. but there was little discussion about it, so i just ignored it.

May: my birthday, hell. during finals week. i treated myself to starbucks oatmeal for breakfast, i really wanted just to spend the day there. but i was demanded to come back to my dorm to have lunch with my “friends” in the dining hall, they thought it was really special that we all got to eat the shit food together. i was not amused. at one point they joked about getting me a cake, but they knew i wouldn’t eat it, and i decided even if they thought i would eat the cake they would have never gotten it for me. i did bake myself a cake when i got home from school, strawberry with cream cheese frosting. i had a small slice.
i also started work in an office. in my mind i was sitting on my butt all day. i thought every night i needed to be at the gym to make up for sitting at work.

June: more work. but it was getting harder for me to actually work out, time was slipping away and i was tired, so i got pissed. i did cut down, but i also started finding any reason i could to take walks at work, i found stairs to walk up, i researched more diet information. (by this point i was eating meat again).
i took a road trip with my two oldest friends. i was miserable, and was beginning to realize that i didn’t think like other people, that i cared about different things. i fell down the stairs and had another breakdown.

July: i ran the hyde park blast (4 miles) sure i walked more than i wanted to, but i ran most of it. the last few hundred yards my chest was dying. i couldn’t even manage to find anything at the blast worth eating after the race. still working about 35 hour weeks. i did become enthralled with yoga :)

August: my mom and i talked about how i needed to change, and how she was scared for me to go back to school. i tried out some therapy, but this woman convinced me i was fine, i just had some perfectionist issues.
then i went back to school. i had the most desperate night of my life. i called my mom and told her to pick me up, i didn’t want to do school at indiana, i needed to be home, i couldn’t be there. i spent hours sobbing, begging my mom and dad to pick me up. they told me i could do this, it would make me stronger. i think i cried for 2 days, i just hurt.

September: i realized i could get plenty of exercise walking around campus, i walked everywhere and always took the stairs, even the 10 flights up to my room. i think i went out once, and the night didn’t end well. [which puts my number of times going out for the semester to be 2]

October: decided to transfer officially. started to blog (i think).

November: thanksgiving, prepared to leave. did my school work. attempted to entertain myself, fighting between the conflict of wanting to hang out with people, while telling myself that i had lost the ability to relate to people, telling myself that no one would want to hang out with me, and that i couldn’t face the anxiety of hanging out with other people.

December: went to CAPS.

so that was my year. and its been all about me in my head. what i’ve done, what others have done to me. what i did wrong, what i’ve chosen to eat and not eat, how i’m unhappy. sure this year wasn’t easy, i faced a lot of things i had never faced before. i was rejected from some clubs, i was without a best friend at school. my life had changed. and all i saw was that i had gained weight in the first semester and i was going to loose it to bring things back to normal. i put every ounce of this on myself. and though i’ve tampered with the idea of “getting better” i’ve wanted to do it under the condition of staying thin. {i’m short, i should be thin <–one of Ed’s fiercest weapons, i often remember that i was heavy, Ed has so much pride in the fact that i have actually lost weight since january}.
i spent the first half of the year getting thin, and the rest of the year desperately trying to stay that way, the meanwhile isolating and berating myself. Ed made me a little bubble, a bubble i’ve been expecting and waiting for someone else to pop.

i have yet to trust that i am enough.

this year i am starting at a new school. in a new apartment. with new roommates. new classes. new people. sure, i’m scared shitless. but i can be happy. you can be happy. because: WE ARE ALL ENOUGH.

this year i am planning to embrace the fact that i have the ability to be human. as tonight i am going to a party, i have no idea what the night will bring, all i know is that i have some wine and old friends.

care to join me?

“Life is too important to be taken seriously.” — Oscar Wilde

Articles

christmas time

In Uncategorized on December 25, 2009 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , ,

before we get down to any type of business i have to take a moment to attempt to express my gratitude. every single one of your comments served to help to lift my spirits. you are the most wonderful people on the planet, i have no idea where i would be without you. i want to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart.

merry christmas my dears, i hope everyone had the most wonderful day. mine was not too shabby, hah it was lovely.

i spent yesterday evening at my grandma’s which was a lot of fun, almost everyone was there and almost everyone was joyful. i was worried that i wouldn’t be able to make conversation and just sit there listening to everyone…but i really surprised myself. now i must be sure to attribute about 75% of my outgoing nature of the evening to the mini bottle of wine i consumed (what can i say my aunt brought them and i just haddd to be the guinea pig :) it was quite delicious). note to self: sometimes it is much easier to relate to people when you relax and have a glass of wine.

isn't this great? gift card/lottery card holder :) i think i might have won $2 from the scratch off but i'm not for sure on that...ha

dinner went pretty well, i followed my meal plan for grabbing food groups which made things much easier. and the whole evening i only got one comment, my uncle pointing at me going “she’s skinny” i just rolled my eyes, easy enough.

fast forward to today. we got up at 8am, which by the way was the latest we have ever gotten up to open presents (as my sister is 10 years old and she usually gets everyone up by 6). presents were lovely :)

not so skuzzy uggs! yayyy now my feet shall be warm again

my sister was worried about my feet as well, hence the cozy socks. i love socks

way to go brother! like i need another excuse to go to whole foods ;)

then we hung out, had breakfast, drank coffee, got our acts together and made our way over to my aunts. by the way i got myself trader joe blueberry bran muffins the other day for christmas breakfast and i got them out this morning and guess what i found. MOLD. boo. i also wanted a sweet potato with dinner and guess what i found. MOLD. boo again. but no worries i was flexible and dealt with it. but as you can see i have not let it go. what a moldy day.

as for my aunts house, eh. i hate to not enjoy it so much, but its just awkward and forced. my gramps and his wife were sick which was miserable, and we stayed for way to long. but whatever that’s christmas.

all in all i enjoyed the day, especially some yoga on my new mat :)

ahh its sooo nice, totally sticky! & grey aka my favorite color (which totally peeves out my mom)

now we are just sitting up in my parents room laughing at all the SNL christmas highlights, some are pretty darn funny! all the justin timberlake songs get me everytime (my heart forever and always belongs to nsync)

it looks like tomorrow we are waking up early and setting out to shop, you know just for the experience, well and to try to get me some new muffins.

hope everyone had a wonderful day and enjoyed it with those you love! and thank you all again, i can’t begin to thank you all enough. you all are the most beautiful of beings xoxo

ps — be on the lookout for a 2009 post, a lot went down this year & i have a goal of sorting it out somehow…

Articles

lost

In Uncategorized on December 23, 2009 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , ,

good afternoon lovely ladies. i feel as though i have fallen off the map a bit, been a bit preoccupied…

so let’s see today is wednesday, which means tomorrow is christmas eve. i’ll warn you, i’m not feeling very positive at the moment, actually i have no idea how i’m feeling at the moment.

well, monday i had a piece of pizza. and before you go being all supportive, let me say that it didn’t go well. there were tears, and my feelings were hurt even before we got to the pizza. it began with the salad, there was fetta on it, and i didn’t realize it came with fetta, so i simply said that, “i didn’t realized it had fetta on it” and my dad seemed to snap at me saying fetta’s good for you, you can eat it, and what not. this sent me upstairs to attempt to cool off, as it really hurt my feelings, i found myself pretty fragile as i was nervous about the pizza. so i came back down, everyone was already sitting down, and i realized i had become a scene. i didn’t participate in conversation, and i took as long as i could before getting a piece of pizza. i felt like such a fool. i got the smallest piece there was and didn’t eat the crust. i am so embarrassed to post this. after dinner i went back to my room and my dad confronted me about the fetta.

i feel like i have become a burden to my family. it seems like they look at me with such confusion.

and then there is today. i’m at a loss for today. i just feel blank, empty. and christmas eve is tomorrow. i think i’m just at a point where i have no idea what to do with myself. i can’t think of anything for myself to say. i’m scared.