blog love

are you there blog? it’s me emily. oh my blog loves you are the best there are & i only speak the truths. my apologies if my commenting has been a bit sporadic, i’ve been somewhat busy.

well, i joined a sorority. & maybe its because i’ve been around a huge group of girls, but my emotions are all over the place. one thing is for sure though–i’m terrified. part of me is thinking “what in the world did i just do?”. i’ll be the first to admit that its only been 2 days and i’m being extremely dramatic.

&& i’ve had it with one of my roommates. she is so loud, and she really likes to turn up the tv to an obscene volume, pet peeve. and she asks too many questions, but i have been forcing myself to answer her, just not always as energetically as her. and she chews with her mouth open. what the hell?

all that aside (can you tell i haven’t done yoga yet today??) i’m swimming along. i have therapy tomorrow and i think i’m going to be a freak and make a list of all i want to talk about (sometimes i don’t know what to say and end up mute). i even called the dietitian today and left a message, so hopefully i’ll hear from her tomorrow.

so, i was bored in accounting today (what’s new?) and i decided that even though it was misty and chilly i needed to go to clifton natural foods. synergy needs obviously, read the plan was only to spend $3.

plan didn't work out quite so well. but as you can tell it was not my fault.

1. i didn’t know maranatha made sunflower seed butter.
2. i’ve never had sunflower seed butter.
3. only $3.29
4. i’ve never had guavas. therefore guava goddess.

tested out my new nut butter with some apple slices. YUM! i loved it & the sunflowers on the jar make me smile.

currently i’m watching modern family, then getting a mini yoga fix, then probably going to bed (i was up till 12:30 last, who am i??). you know standard :)

—also devan wanted me to let all her blog loves know that she was admitted yesterday. please keep sweet sweet beautiful devan in your thoughts & send your support & love.

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screwing my head on straight

you bloggies = the best. i say we just leave it at that.

sorry for being so dramatic loves, just had to get it out. i’m feeling better, i did have a nice yoga session & shower on sunday, along with a trip to whole foods with my grandma. & the structure of classes has been treating me pretty nicely.

today i had two tests, which i’m pretty sure went well, so i am currently doing a whole lot of nothing. i probably should be studying for my other test tomorrow,but i think that’s going to have to wait until after yoga & dinner. priorities. in my fit of nothing-ness i decided to stroll down to clifton natural foods. it sounded sketch to my mom. i disagree :)
i’m really glad i checked it out cause it has lots of bulk bins with grains & such so i don’t have to get such giant things all the time and i can cook at my leisure. & i got 2 pink lady apples. i’m excited :) oh & i got something new tooo–>

for the low low price of $2.99; i rationalized that i needed it cause they are more expensive at whole foods. ha

i haven’t tried it yet, but i called my mom to tell her about it (okay just realized how weird that is & i must apologize for my nail polish in recent pictures, my mom asked if i’d ever heard of nail polish remover) and she asked if i just seek out the strangest things there are…and i think she may be right, but that’s the fun right?? actually at the moment i’m currently snacking on kefir, pistachios, & raisins. pretty delicious if you ask me.

oh and today i met with my new therapist. first things first, she said “gotcha” a lot, which really irked me (so does the word irk). other than that she seemed nice, quiet. it was a lot of introductions and stuff cause she’s not the same woman i had my initial interview with. she gave me a card for a nutritionist i’m supposed to call as well. && thinking about it, i am going to try to stop calorie counting on my own right now. i have an exchange meal plan, so i think i’m going to go back to working with this & see how i feel.

all and all the past 2 days have been about getting my bearings together after this weekend & not going to lie, i already have plans to go home friday. i really cannot thank you guys enough for the endless support.

“I have discovered in life that there are ways of getting almost anywhere you want to go, if you really want to go.” — Langston Hughes

what do you guys think? can you really get what you want by truly wanting it? do people get stuck because they don’t actually want to move on? is it enough to just want something?

and so it begins

so it happened, it’s real, i’m a bearcat. ah! aside from the fact that it is 16 degrees outside, things are going pretty well. my apartment is relatively huge, my roommates are nice {and they eat, i had a mini irrational fear that they wouldn’t}, & i figured out how to turn the heat on today [would have helped to know last night when i was a popsicle in bed]. oh i did leave this morning without my key card, cause i thought i already lost it, but then i found it on my desk when i got back. silly me.

i had two classes today–financial accounting and business foundations [can’t believe i have to take this] and one of my guy friends from high school is in both of them! score. i now have someone to sit with & walk me home :) plus i even have time to do yoga!! happy!

&& my dad came to visit me before he went to the basketball game with my grandpa. i soo love being closer to home. 20 minutes baby!! good thing because i left like a ba-jillion things at home (remote control, dvds, spatula, baking sheet, the list goes on)

on the food front, eh i’m doing okay. yes i’m eating, more at a maintenance level than a gaining level, i’m doing a lot of measuring, i calorie count once a day [just to keep track], and i have rationalized myself out of getting food with a friend. not the hugest deals in the world, but not really steps forward in recovery. i’ve rationalized that i’m just getting myself into place here, i don’t want to try too much too fast. its kind of a cop out, i need to realize that if i want to have fun i need to suck it up and kick Ed out. i feel like a pansy admitting this, i’ve just let Ed become such of a comfort. i just feel content with it. even though i overcooked my oats this morning, wahhh– i think it’s time to start thinking about taking another step…

however i am snacking on some of these beautiful babies :)

so delicious :)

**miss sam (merrittothecarrot) is having the most delicious of giveaways :)

**update:: if you ever need/want to email me i’m now using a different one– hageremily@cinci.rr.com

i love my fellow bloggers so much :) because you guys want me to tell you what makes me happy. major thanks to miss amanda [.seek.], emily [secret doors], and rachael [ruby converse and curls] tagged me in this fabulous award!!

all that i need to do is tell you 10 things that make me happy, try to do at least one of them today, and pick 10 bloggers who make me happy to pass this along to :)

1. yoga–i feel like i could write for days on yoga, it is responsible for grounding me to this earth, i really have no idea where i would be without it.
2. my family–i know, i know corny. but they never fail to listen to me, respect me, and love me. but they’re also there to call my out on my ridiculousness.
3. oats–even though i’m trying not to have them every day for breakfast, they always make me happy.
4. coffee & tea–always comforting, you can frown while sipping a wonderful warm drink.
5. chatting–sure i’m not always up for being engaging and entertaining, but its really nice just talking to people.
6. friends dvds–i love the show and the fact that the episodes never change, and still every time i watch them i laugh.
7. cooking–i love creating new things in the kitchen, some may find my creations quite odd, but i think they’re delicious.
8. walking–to class, around the neighborhood, in the park. i like that i walk places.
9. being pleasantly surprised–i tend to expect the worst of everything but hope for the unrealistic best, which often leaves me disappointed. so its really nice when things surprise me.
10. blogging–you girls are amazing. every comment, each of your posts, touch me. thank you for being :)

i would love to pass this award to — rebecca (from here to there in purple), sophia (burp and slurp), eleanor (pieces of her), kailey (peanut butter bliss), devan (watermelon tequila), sam (merrittothecarrot), lexi (starlight diner), tat (tatianna lives), katie (faith food & fitness), shelley (finding happiness and health)

sorry for the snooze of a post, just adjusting… & totally picture-less, boo, i shall change that! the camera comes out tomorrow :)

BIG LOVE!!

“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.” — Allen Ginsberg

oh, when did i forget how much i adore allen ginsberg?

i baked!

mini blog hiatus…lo siento, i’ve been doing strange things, & trying to figure out the whole 2009 thing, let me tell you its a doozy. buttt—-

i know i know christmas is over, but i finally got up the nerve to bake :) Kristina from Stonyfield was wonderful to send me some Oikos coupons so i could try cooking with it, which is exactly what i did this afternoon!

so, here’s the deal all break i have been wanting to bake, but talking myself out of it because they things i want to bake my family always finds them strange. in the past i have baked delicious things but they go to waste, i get to scared to eat them and my family is too picky. so i’ve been avoiding baking all break. but today i decided enough was enough, i like to bake, so i’m going to bake, thank you very much.

the chosen recipe: smitten kitchen’s whole wheat apple muffins

[ps–her pictures are 10 million times better than mine, so check ’em out]

so i wrangled all the ingredients (which obviously meant going to the grocery store)

can you say jackpot?!

**cannot wait to try cinnamon raisin swirl, but i must wait until my white chocolate wonderful is gone…just one tablespoon away!

all the ingredients, yea sorry, it's not pretty

then i slaved over the mixer, chopped apples, measured yogurt, created a fun new snack :)

baking snack-age. apple peel yogurt scoops. genius.

pre-oven, they were super sticky but i managed to distribute the batter

and after a short 15 minutes they were finished!

right out of the oven, lumpy bliss :)

so there you have it. i baked.

but wait, there’s more! i ate. because bakers need to make sure they’ve created something delicious. and you know what, t’was fantastic if i do say so myself. what was your favorite baking experience this season??

now, i’m sure you’ve been wondering what in the world has been going on with me, okay maybe not, but whatever i’m telling you anyway.

i’ve been doing some stuff, went out to dinner with high school friends last night, seen a few movies (nine & blind side, both amazing, oh & the squeakwal), declined beer pong with my oldest friends at some random guys house, picked creamy tomato soup over the house salad at panera, yoga-ing, running errands, etc. all that plus eating too. have i been following my meal plan? not exactly. have i gained some weight? yes. am i terrified? yes.

so tomorrow is new years eve and i don’t have plans. i could call my two oldest friends and join whatever they’re doing, but at the moment i’m waiting for them to call me. i need to decide if i truly want to spend my new years with them, sure we pretty much always have, but these are the same people that i need to move on from. i can just spend new years with my family and start the year fresh, but i could be potentially holding myself back from a good time with friends. choices i don’t want to make.

oh and i think i’m moving into my new apartment saturday. 3 new roommates. ah.

& don’t worry the 2009 post is still coming. just have to figure out how to set it up.

love love beautifuls

oh doesn't everyone have a giant bowl of bars on their dresser? no? just me? oh well

yum coconut bliss giveaway!

its beginning to look a lot like christmas

good morning lovelies! it’s christmas week! my mom is baking brownies, we’re watching regis and kelly minus regis, and my sister is hopping around the house doing cheerleading, pretty much because she is incapable of being still. ah to be home :)

another thing about being home–christmas tree!

our christmas tree :) hm for some reason it looks crooked...

now i just have to get my butt in gear and finish my shopping and wrapping. maybe today ;) any suggestions on what i could get my brother, he is 16…

&& today is my dad’s birthday so we have to figure out a birthday dinner since he can’t decide.

as for my meal plan i’ve been okay at following it, i’ve had trouble adding the luna bar i’m supposed to…but my youngest sister has been wonderful in making sure i fill in all my circles (i made pie charts to color in for each food group) she always remembers to ask each night, which i really love.

but yesterday had a big success:

um that would be chocolate milk & yes i totally lived

so delicious. i was really happy with this, because i realized i wanted it and immediately began thinking of things i could have instead to avoid it (a chocolate covered raisin, yeah just one, ridiculous) i then realized my ridiculousness because i can damn well have chocolate milk if i want it. so that is just what i did. guys it was wonderful. i encourage everyone to have something you want today, no matter what it is! because you can and you deserve it :)

other than that i have been hitting up the grocery store mucho, don’t worry i am going to put together some of my best purchases to show y’all cause they pretty much rock. quick question: i want to get some trader joe muffins for christmas breakfast, what kind are the best??

ah the other day i got my nails done with my oldest of friends, which was really nice, except it kind of made me realize how much things have changed. we are both different, which isn’t to say that’s bad, its just different. it’s actually really hard for me. in reality things have been different ever since we left for school way back in ’08. to me its like she’s moved on and gone forward and i haven’t and i need her more than she needs me. which is true, i now just have to work to move on and forward for myself.

as for my plans for the week: cleaning my room. sounds totally normal right? well my brother and i actually switched rooms (i was in the basement now i’m upstairs) so i have to go through all my things and transport them into my new room. i really want to keep my room as simple and “grown up” as possible, so i’m thinking i am going to have to throw out a lot, ahh!

well now that i’ve rambled on and on i shall let you go :) hope you are enjoying your time at home, or where ever you are ;)

“Knowing others is wisdom; Knowing the self is enlightenment; Mastering others requires force; Mastering the self needs strength” — Lao Tzu

remember the strength within yourself, because we are all stronger than we believe, i believe we are all on the journey to enlightenment.

life as it is

happy evening beauties! how’s this week treating you? unbearably slow? yeah, me too.

so, have i been studying? have i been stressing? nah not really.

i’ve been watching too much tv, as i am currently multitasking (watching the biggest loser finale–what can i say i can’t really manage to do just one thing at a time), i’ve been cursing the weather gods (tried to cheer myself up about the rain today by donning a baseball cap, did not work, and i still got wet), all in all avoiding studying. no motivation. none what so ever.

oh yeah it snowed yesterday. i didn't really like it.

& i have a cold. i have done everything i can possibly think of to make it go away–dayquil, nyquil, chicken noodle soup, ginger ale (zevia style ;) i rocked), tea, more tea, halls. & i still have a cold. i should probably point out that i’ve had this cold for all of 2 days. i am a drama queen/big baby.

bedtime snack with a side of nyquil. & i still woke up at 7am, had to chill in bed for a whole hour.

what has been nice is that in my defiant act of acceptance of this week and the next i haven’t been so angry, i’ve just set myself in waiting really, and i think it’s okay for the time being.

in other news the group project that stressed me to the point that i think i got my first grey hair (i am 19, not okay) earned our group an A. i feel as though i should be elated to some extent. but really in actuality i don’t really care. i don’t feel all that much about it. i don’t think i am very good at this feeling called happy.

as for my goal [doing something that scares me everyday] i’ve thought about.

today i studied with a girl from my stats class, but that wasn’t all that scary. what was more scary was planning it yesterday, making a point that i wanted to study today and asking her to text me today. it frustrates me that this scared me. and you know what i honestly believed she wouldn’t text me today. i was really surprised when she did text me.

now here is another thing, tomorrow. tomorrow (night–aka 9:15pm) i have an opportunity to have pizza (read fear food) at a WFA study session. my mom dared me to have a slice. i told here i would think about it. i’m trying not to think too much about it. tips ladies?

well i think that enough of my petty drama for one night. so many giggles from y’alls comments on my silly grocery post, serious smiles, i love that all y’all visit my blogg!

i’ll leave with something personal...how do you feel about therapy? i know some of you have talked about it, and i myself went this summer for a short time, i recently looked over some of the things she had given me and realized how in the wrong frame i was when i talked with her, how against it i was, even though i made all the appointments, no one forced me. but lately i’ve been wondering if i need to find myself someone else, so i can truly recover. so what do you think? would you recommend it? (i know this is a lot to ask)

love love.

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” —Shakespeare

lost in the rain

hello my beautiful people!

miss pb&jenny is having a wonderful cookie giveaway at the moment!!

thank you to everyone who left me some tips on how to occupy myself in my confusing moments of downtime :) i can guarantee i will be putting them into practice this weekend

so yesterday i made a list of things that i have been thinking a lot about lately. first thought on the list: “feeling as though i am lost“

this feeling causes me panic, anxiety & stress. it’s not enjoyable and it takes me a while to re-ground myself when i begin to feel this way. let me first explain the feeling–i can be anywhere, don’t just about anything and it hits me, “what’s next? what’s now? what am i doing?” my head starts spinning with questions, then i find that i can’t focus on anything except this unpleasant feeling. i want to run. i want to crawl into a hole. i want it all to stop. i am lost in a see of thoughts that are negative, unhappy, & restrictive. i don’t know what to do with myself in these moments that seem endless.

i’m sure you’re thinking, well emily you we know you do not constantly have these feelings so what happens next?

i breathe, i loose touch with the moment, who i’m with, what is happening & i try to pull back. i find myself physically walking away from what it is that i am doing. i keep breathing. i try to chase away the panic, chase away the anxiety. when this happens at home i cry. i lay down on the floor and cry. anything to release the feeling.

once i feel more sane i begin to wonder, am i the only one who thinks this much? why do i care about everything? and eventually i talk myself into believing that i was just being dramatic and i made the episode up. i shut the feeling out and pretend as though it never existed. i take up a little task and get on with my life. until it happens again.

i wouldn’t worry about this so much if it didn’t happen to me often…but honestly it does. i wish i could explain it better. that’s what i am try to do here, explain it to myself. i am trying to remind myself that i get this feeling and i don’t handle it well, and i can’t keep handling it this way for the rest of my life. i have to open myself up and be vulnerable because i believe others can help me with this, because i can’t be the only one who gets these feelings, i can’t be.

this prompts a new goal for myself–stating my feelings out loud, accepting that they exist and living through them. (sounds like quite a lofty goal to me)

since this goal is pretty abstract i think it is important to create a concrete example of what i mean: before thanksgiving break i had made many plans to spend time with one of my best friends who goes to school in SC, long story short i saw her for a total of 3 hours (unquality time) and this really hurt my feelings, as she did many things over break with a friend she brought up with her from school. all in all i felt left out and forgotten, especially after i had been excited about all our plans.

so sunday before classes started i sent her a text, telling her she hurt my feelings over break. just that simple, i didn’t go into detail, i just left it at that. i didn’t get a response, well until the next evening when she called and we talked about it and she apologized. now we both feel better and hopefully with spend time together over christmas.

a couple months ago i wouldn’t have handled this that way, i would have stayed hurt and expected her to figure it out and been even more hurt when she didn’t read my mind. i want to continue to handle these things in a mature fashion.

ah my thoughtfulness of the day, hope y’all don’t think i’m a crazy baby ;)

if you were wondering i am currently enjoying–

grande 2% misto with 1 pump sf cinnamon dolce, mmm

yes your eyes are not deceiving you this is a 2% misto, not fat free, because you know what i need the fat. i have been going for the 2% for about a month now, no regrets, do it :)

hope everyone has a beautiful hump day, its raining and yucky here & my uggs are most definitely not water proof so i’ve been trudging around with puddles in my boots all day….

“The best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain.”—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

i really like this quote, i think it says a lot about accepting & living with circumstances, even though they may not seem ideal