hello my beautiful people!
miss pb&jenny is having a wonderful cookie giveaway at the moment!!
thank you to everyone who left me some tips on how to occupy myself in my confusing moments of downtime :) i can guarantee i will be putting them into practice this weekend
so yesterday i made a list of things that i have been thinking a lot about lately. first thought on the list: “feeling as though i am lost“
this feeling causes me panic, anxiety & stress. it’s not enjoyable and it takes me a while to re-ground myself when i begin to feel this way. let me first explain the feeling–i can be anywhere, don’t just about anything and it hits me, “what’s next? what’s now? what am i doing?” my head starts spinning with questions, then i find that i can’t focus on anything except this unpleasant feeling. i want to run. i want to crawl into a hole. i want it all to stop. i am lost in a see of thoughts that are negative, unhappy, & restrictive. i don’t know what to do with myself in these moments that seem endless.
i’m sure you’re thinking, well emily you we know you do not constantly have these feelings so what happens next?
i breathe, i loose touch with the moment, who i’m with, what is happening & i try to pull back. i find myself physically walking away from what it is that i am doing. i keep breathing. i try to chase away the panic, chase away the anxiety. when this happens at home i cry. i lay down on the floor and cry. anything to release the feeling.
once i feel more sane i begin to wonder, am i the only one who thinks this much? why do i care about everything? and eventually i talk myself into believing that i was just being dramatic and i made the episode up. i shut the feeling out and pretend as though it never existed. i take up a little task and get on with my life. until it happens again.
i wouldn’t worry about this so much if it didn’t happen to me often…but honestly it does. i wish i could explain it better. that’s what i am try to do here, explain it to myself. i am trying to remind myself that i get this feeling and i don’t handle it well, and i can’t keep handling it this way for the rest of my life. i have to open myself up and be vulnerable because i believe others can help me with this, because i can’t be the only one who gets these feelings, i can’t be.
this prompts a new goal for myself–stating my feelings out loud, accepting that they exist and living through them. (sounds like quite a lofty goal to me)
since this goal is pretty abstract i think it is important to create a concrete example of what i mean: before thanksgiving break i had made many plans to spend time with one of my best friends who goes to school in SC, long story short i saw her for a total of 3 hours (unquality time) and this really hurt my feelings, as she did many things over break with a friend she brought up with her from school. all in all i felt left out and forgotten, especially after i had been excited about all our plans.
so sunday before classes started i sent her a text, telling her she hurt my feelings over break. just that simple, i didn’t go into detail, i just left it at that. i didn’t get a response, well until the next evening when she called and we talked about it and she apologized. now we both feel better and hopefully with spend time together over christmas.
a couple months ago i wouldn’t have handled this that way, i would have stayed hurt and expected her to figure it out and been even more hurt when she didn’t read my mind. i want to continue to handle these things in a mature fashion.
ah my thoughtfulness of the day, hope y’all don’t think i’m a crazy baby ;)
if you were wondering i am currently enjoying–
grande 2% misto with 1 pump sf cinnamon dolce, mmm
yes your eyes are not deceiving you this is a 2% misto, not fat free, because you know what i need the fat. i have been going for the 2% for about a month now, no regrets, do it :)
hope everyone has a beautiful hump day, its raining and yucky here & my uggs are most definitely not water proof so i’ve been trudging around with puddles in my boots all day….
“The best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain.”—Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
i really like this quote, i think it says a lot about accepting & living with circumstances, even though they may not seem ideal