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2009

In Uncategorized on December 31, 2009 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,

here we go. its time to look at 2009. i’ll warn you, it’s not going to be pretty. if i had to describe this year in 3 words: unhappy, eating, disorder.

sometimes i look at my journal, usually to see how stupid i was, or how i attempted to write out my feelings. it serves as an indulgence, i think i’m indulging in self-centered-ness. but i think this is the first time i have been scared to look at my journal. why? well for one nearly everything scares me at least a little bit these days, and that i’m not just going to ignore the words.

January: new years felt like a binge-cookies, dip, sugary alcohol, 4 of us just sitting around. i beat myself up for that. i was still heavy at that point, but i was vegetarian. my journal: “i love being vegetarian. it makes me something. i am vegetarian. i am skinnier too. it sort of rocks a lot. a lot. a lot.” everyone i knew, knew that i was vegetarian. i told everyone, looking back i must have sounded like fool. & i visited the nutritionist, she recommended i visit CAPS. i think i was flattered in a way, but i ignored her, i was still heavy.

February: valentine’s day stands out for me. i called my sister to wish her a happy birthday and ended up balling desperately asking my mom to pick me up so i didn’t have to spend the day alone at school. but, that wasn’t an option so i spent most of the day at starbucks. i told myself that i could accept who i was and how my body was. i was alone, and i felt it. i think i nearly binged on oatmeal raisin cookies the next day which caused me to flip out. i decided the next week “i can be a vegetarian runner in business”

March: i don’t remember march. nothing specific happened, i think i spent a lot of time running, doing 8-minute abs, researching diets, searching calories and nutrition facts. i avoided going out, i was full of excuses. i did go down to south caroline to visit my friend on spring break, i had a good time but as soon as they ordered chocolate cake i bitched out, there was no way on earth i was having a bite.

April: more of march’s doings, had a mini breakdown walking home from going out to eat. i started making plans on what i was going to do differently, while trying to accept that this was my life. little 500 happened (the greatest college weekend) thank god i ran into 2 of my friends outside, because i spent the weekend with them. at one drunk point i considered out loud that i might have an eating disorder. but there was little discussion about it, so i just ignored it.

May: my birthday, hell. during finals week. i treated myself to starbucks oatmeal for breakfast, i really wanted just to spend the day there. but i was demanded to come back to my dorm to have lunch with my “friends” in the dining hall, they thought it was really special that we all got to eat the shit food together. i was not amused. at one point they joked about getting me a cake, but they knew i wouldn’t eat it, and i decided even if they thought i would eat the cake they would have never gotten it for me. i did bake myself a cake when i got home from school, strawberry with cream cheese frosting. i had a small slice.
i also started work in an office. in my mind i was sitting on my butt all day. i thought every night i needed to be at the gym to make up for sitting at work.

June: more work. but it was getting harder for me to actually work out, time was slipping away and i was tired, so i got pissed. i did cut down, but i also started finding any reason i could to take walks at work, i found stairs to walk up, i researched more diet information. (by this point i was eating meat again).
i took a road trip with my two oldest friends. i was miserable, and was beginning to realize that i didn’t think like other people, that i cared about different things. i fell down the stairs and had another breakdown.

July: i ran the hyde park blast (4 miles) sure i walked more than i wanted to, but i ran most of it. the last few hundred yards my chest was dying. i couldn’t even manage to find anything at the blast worth eating after the race. still working about 35 hour weeks. i did become enthralled with yoga :)

August: my mom and i talked about how i needed to change, and how she was scared for me to go back to school. i tried out some therapy, but this woman convinced me i was fine, i just had some perfectionist issues.
then i went back to school. i had the most desperate night of my life. i called my mom and told her to pick me up, i didn’t want to do school at indiana, i needed to be home, i couldn’t be there. i spent hours sobbing, begging my mom and dad to pick me up. they told me i could do this, it would make me stronger. i think i cried for 2 days, i just hurt.

September: i realized i could get plenty of exercise walking around campus, i walked everywhere and always took the stairs, even the 10 flights up to my room. i think i went out once, and the night didn’t end well. [which puts my number of times going out for the semester to be 2]

October: decided to transfer officially. started to blog (i think).

November: thanksgiving, prepared to leave. did my school work. attempted to entertain myself, fighting between the conflict of wanting to hang out with people, while telling myself that i had lost the ability to relate to people, telling myself that no one would want to hang out with me, and that i couldn’t face the anxiety of hanging out with other people.

December: went to CAPS.

so that was my year. and its been all about me in my head. what i’ve done, what others have done to me. what i did wrong, what i’ve chosen to eat and not eat, how i’m unhappy. sure this year wasn’t easy, i faced a lot of things i had never faced before. i was rejected from some clubs, i was without a best friend at school. my life had changed. and all i saw was that i had gained weight in the first semester and i was going to loose it to bring things back to normal. i put every ounce of this on myself. and though i’ve tampered with the idea of “getting better” i’ve wanted to do it under the condition of staying thin. {i’m short, i should be thin <–one of Ed’s fiercest weapons, i often remember that i was heavy, Ed has so much pride in the fact that i have actually lost weight since january}.
i spent the first half of the year getting thin, and the rest of the year desperately trying to stay that way, the meanwhile isolating and berating myself. Ed made me a little bubble, a bubble i’ve been expecting and waiting for someone else to pop.

i have yet to trust that i am enough.

this year i am starting at a new school. in a new apartment. with new roommates. new classes. new people. sure, i’m scared shitless. but i can be happy. you can be happy. because: WE ARE ALL ENOUGH.

this year i am planning to embrace the fact that i have the ability to be human. as tonight i am going to a party, i have no idea what the night will bring, all i know is that i have some wine and old friends.

care to join me?

“Life is too important to be taken seriously.” — Oscar Wilde

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Articles

back from the windy city

In Uncategorized on November 14, 2009 by Emily (https://funnyemily.wordpress.com) Tagged: , , ,

except it was not too windy! chicago is pretty beautiful at the moment!

hello dearies :) hope everyone is having a lovely weekend! i thought a little recap of my quick trip would be fun ;)

it all began friday morning at 3AM when i woke up to get my booty suited up for the 4 hour drive at 4AM (just realized how much more entertaining this would be with pictures…next time)

the drive up was fine, nice and quite since we were all super sleepy, i made this breakfast the night before–

DSCN1346

PB, pure pumpkin, bananas, cinnamon, & 100% whole wheat for the ride, aka heaven

when i decided to tear into this baby a sad little tragedy occurred; i dropped 1/2 of it on the floor. fail. i was very sad. luckily when we got to the hotel they were still serving their free breakfast and i made myself some oatmeal, mini crisis averted.

then we all shuffled to the bank where they had coffee and fruit for us, and they answered some questions that we had sent them earlier. they were all very nice and really made an effort to be honest with their answers, not just the fluffy stuff that everyone tells you. i always appreciate that, all for honesty :)

we then hung out a bit at the corner bakery and i told a couple of the girls that i was thinking about transferring (hypocrite moment after i justt said how i’m all for honesty) i only said i was thinking about it and deciding over thanksgiving because i didn’t want to spring it on them since i haven’t mentioned it ever. they were really nice about it and understanding, i like them.

then we went to the commodities exchange, which was super cool! [haha i got a little giddy when they were talking about oats, wheat, & soybeans–all my favorites] all the traders wear bold jackets so that they stand out and are more likely to make the trades, for example:

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we saw very similar commotion

it was crazy loud and intense, lots of hand signals & shouting :)

 

then it was lunch time, which was such a pain in the butt. picture 15 girls walking in heels & suits walking around chicago looking for a place to eat. obviously agreeing on a place was not easy. i held myself together for the most part, but i was hungry and my feet hurt, not a good combo. we ended up at the corner bakery again, they had amazing iced tea :)

then we went to another company and they answered some more questions…eh i was not too interested in this one, i was ready for a nap.

next on the agenda: taking my stupid heels off. uggs & jeans –> shopping :) we just kind of wandered around, i got some earrings & a dress at nordstrom rack, and they were great deals. yay for being frugal!

 

DSCN1351

cute, no?

then we all went out to dinner at Giordano’s i decided to stay safe with another salad….chicago stuffed deep dish pizza is not really my thing :(

then it was back to to hotel to crash. ahhh sleeping was sooo necessary.

all in all it was a fun trip, i enjoyed myself, learned more about my fellow women’s financial association members, made some funny jokes, shared some laughs, had some fun.

during the day however i was asked an uncomfortable question: “did you lose a bunch of weight?…cause you went from like small to tiny” ughhh, my answer: “well, yeah…” which lead to: “what’s your secret?!” ughh, my response: “i don’t know i don’t really have a good one, really not good.” leading to: “oh….were you sick” me: “yeah, but i’m working on it…” then it pretty much dropped. but unfortunately i ended up pretty uncomfortable whenever anyone would talk about their size, either comparing sizes, talking about feeling fat, etc….one girl just kept looking at me a lot, making comments: “oh i wish i craved salad” it just made me feel bad about what i was eating, she just kept judging me. fortunately its over, and i kind of figured it would happen, but it was not my favorite part of the trip to say the least.

well i hate to cut this post short, but i fear i am boring you to tears, & i am hungry for some dinner.

night night beautiful people :)

ps–what has been the best part of your weekend!?

mine was totally finding the earrings i got, they are totally cool & were such a great deal :)