what’s necessary?

good evening loves :)

so after i last posted i realized that it kind of seemed like i didn’t do anything while i was at home–then i remembered that was not the case:
this past weekend i–>

• baked cookies with my baby sister
• had lunch with my mom & her friend at panera
• i painted my toenails “off with her red”
• took 2 days off from yoga & didn’t die
• kind of put my room back together

not necessarily in that order. && i know this is totally after the fact and not really necessary but whatever.

recently i have adopted a new attitude, it may not be the most attractive of attitudes, but it is what it is. the attitude is = “i don’t care” it gives me free reign to do as a please. i can be weird. i can be cranky. i can be romantic (okay, that hasn’t happened yet). i can be irrational (uh oh). i can be what ever i want. someone please tell me why it has taken me 19 years to realize this?

on the subject of necessity, i think its obvious i am not a fan–

nope, 4 drinks (3 different teas) are not necessary when studying. i don't care.

now, when i say studying i mean sort of catching myself up for the class that i skipped friday and that was cancelled today. oh and i found out that the university closed at noon today after i walked around (literally around it–somehow thinking those sidewalks would be less slippery; i was very wrong, hello there were less people walking on them) the campus and passed a generous guy who filled me in. all i could do was laugh, especially because part of me expected it. so naturally i went to the bookstore, bought a sweatshirt, walked to clifton natural foods (praying it was open & that they had hummus) and bought a can of black beans.
& i overslept this morning and skipped my first class. successful day? sureee.

since the campus was closed, yoga class was obviously cancelled as well (um i even stopped in the rec center to be sure–anal much?), so i decided to reacquaint myself with yogadownloads; power vinyasa flow # 1 – 60 minutes specifically. quite tough, especially after the pansy class i went to yesterday (don’t even get me started, it was supposed to be yoga strength).

i also figured i should try something new for dinner, cause you should cook when you’re snowed in, so i made italian eggs over spinach (shout out to miss amanda!) i added some brussels & mushrooms, because i’m honing in on my rebel skills, which means i no longer follow recipes obviously.

on the rebellious note–what’s the most rebellious thing you’ve ever done?

i think tonight is all about reading & falling asleep. lately the best part of my day has been laying in my bed just feeling it, its the simple things :)

oh but the simple things like people chewing with their mouth open and biting their nails makes me want to die.

happy tuesday!

questions/comments/concerns/anything you want to see from me? (i promise to stop bothering you with this sooner or later)

& pb&co giveaway! no joke :)

bit bitchy

if you would like to skip story time, i don’t blame you. but i beg of you to ask me a question, yes yes, i cannot resist a trend, also known as formspring.

hello beautiful people. i’m home again. eh, what’s new? at least this time i have 1/2 a bad reason to be home. story time:

last night (thursday night) i was just going about my business sitting in the kitchen (probably reading blogs) watching grey’s anatomy & private practice. a very ideal time for me. a time that i often look forward to throughout the week. i was quite content with the world (especially because my roommate often likes to have people over for thirsty thursday, forcing me to watch my shows on fridays).
unfortunately my bliss was cut short. my roommate came back from where ever she was around 10:30 and quickly asked if i had a lot of homework (stupid question). i said no, but i was going to be going to bed soon (me=grandma & had an early friday morning meeting). she proceeds with oh crap, well would you mind if i had some people over, we’ll be quiet, and we won’t be here long we’re going to the bars. i tell her its fine. & she reminds me to let her know if they get to loud (because i obviously want to be the bitch to say shut up i need to sleep at 11:30).
at this point i clean up the kitchen & get my coffee ready for the morning, wash my face, brush my teeth and get ready for bed hoping no one shows up during the process. i take refuge in my room and pray i’m not forgetting anything. about 20 minutes later i realize i have to pee. damn it, there are at least 12 people over at this point. i stand in my room reminding myself that i live in this apartment too and i can used my bathroom, if they look at me, then they look at me. success.
then i jump (literally) into bed and try with all my might to fall asleep. i think it was the bass that kept me up. because i know i was tried, exhausted even. it could have just been the level of speakers. or maybe it was all the yelling. what ever it was specifically i don’t really care. my roommate and all her people (i hesitate to say friends because i clearly heard her introduce herself to quite a few of them) kept me up last night. emily=not happy about this.

so i understand that i probably come off as a complete bitch at the moment, which would be a good way to describe me. but this is the first time i’ve really cared about my roommates having people over. i’ve always been able to fall asleep relatively easily. i’ve never been woken up at 3am.

this morning i woke up, got dressed in the bathroom (apparently my other roommate’s boyfriend made it home & to her bed) then wiped down the kitchen counters. while my roommate who threw the party was passed out on the couch. i was polite in that i only turned on one light to cut my bagel in half (considered leaving them off, but i didn’t want to cut off a finger). then took my breakfast back to my room and ate it while blog reading. unfortunately not the most pleasant of breakfasts.

so that would be 1/2 of why i am home. the other 1/2 would be that i decided i wanted to come home tonight before any of this went down in the first place.

now before you say i should have said something to her, i was planning on it. but once i got back from class she avoided me. first by pretending she was still asleep, then by disappearing while i went to the bathroom, then by pretending to be asleep again. i’m pretty sure my face screamed pissed off.

so there you have it. a long bitchy story of my night…i’ve found myself telling bits of the tale all day, maybe now i can get over it.

& not to worry i shall return to normally scheduled blogging asap {i did just have a glass of wine}. oh & i really want to jump on the formspring bandwagon. ask me anything at all, i’d really like to answer any/all questions :)

and yes—happy weekend to all!

silly thursday

i think its clear i am suffering from blog layout indecision. no big.

so, it’s thursday and i don’t think i have anymore classes this week & i was the fool sitting in class waiting for it to start when it occurred to me to check the syllabus and see that class was cancelled for today and tomorrow. oops–it happens. now i’m just sitting in my apartment watching bobby flay grill some quail & figs, while he keeps explaining the fabulous-ness of it all.

speaking of figs, i did some unnecessary shopping yesterday. not complaining :)

i do not regret spending $8 on a hunk of soap. hello figs & leaves! i may regret that i impulsively bought lip balm at the register. they get me every time.

side note i’ve kind of been loving figs for a few weeks now. a month ago i thought i hated them.

a FIG! by the way my roommate thought it was cheesecake when she saw it in the bathroom...

you would not believe how good this stuff smells (actually you probably would believe it, haha). my friend thinks i’m going to end up eating it one day. i hope she’s wrong.

i also went to target, and its impossible to go in there and not buy anything so i didn’t even try to resist.

hot chili sauce. random, right? but it is delicious :)

& as you can see i’m trying to work with some natural lighting, since i’m a wee bit obsessed with my synergy photo.
synergy by the way is very delicious, it has a strong flavor & i can’t drink a whole one in one day, but it’s perfect for sipping on. i have plans to buy one once a week. i understand that’s a weird plan.

i tried something new this morning—> wake up yoga at 645am at the rec center. unfortunately i was pretty unbalanced…it was just me and one other person and i found it hard to focus on myself. my growling stomach was also distracting, silly me didn’t think i needed anything beforehand, definitely a mistake. when i left it was nice to see all the army boys working out :)

i also finished Madness, by Marya Hornbacher, the other night. i highly recommend it. i adore her writing and i can’t even begin to explain all she has been through in her life. i especially recommend it if you’ve read & enjoyed Wasted.

in a fit of major inspiration yesterday i took a risk. i took my spoon, dipped it into the cinnamon raisin swirl, scooped it up, and ate it. no measuring. i was a little surprised by the bit of anxiety it caused me, but the anxiousness passed and i went to bed. just like that. try it :) when was the last time you did something unexpected?

that’s about all of my updates, my dad’s picking me up tomorrow afternoon & my mom and i have plans to paint my bedroom this weekend. it’s going to be interesting.

LOVE.

“I relish my life. It is a life of which i am fiercely protective. I have wrested it back from madness, and madness cannot take it from me again. I will not throw it away. So what if it isn’t a normal life? It’s the one I have. It’s difficult, beautiful, painful, fully of laughter, passing strange. Whatever else it is, whatever it brings — it’s mine.”
Madness; Marya Hornbacher

realizing yoga

thanks for the warm welcome back my beautiful bloggies. & ps (as i’m sure you all know) miss maggie is having the most fabulous of giveaways :) i’m hoping to recreate one of her breakfasts on saturday!

today was quite the useless day. however i did get a few things done:

• bought the replacement ID
• got my bearcat cash put back on it
• hopefully got insurance figured out
• tried the ashtanga class

&& that’s about it. more on the ashtanga yoga class–it was meh. i was as impressed with the teacher as i was on tuesday, i don’t know maybe i’m just a yoga snob. i’m thinking next thursday i’m trying out “yoga tricks” ha that should be interesting fun! maybe on wednesday i’ll check out “yoga chill”

but you know what this class did get me thinking; i was getting down on myself for it not being that good of a practice (oh yeah i definitely had to pee the whole time–not a good time), but i continued to think and i realized that i do yoga. i could even venture to call myself a little yogini. hello i practice nearly everyday. yoga is a part of my life. and with that i realized not every practice has to be the ‘best’, i need to welcome more mentally challenging practices rather than physically challenging. so i am going to focus on truly setting intentions for my time on the mat, the first of which—to release judgement & hostility. its going to take a lot of practice, but most important things do.

now, i know you are all dying to find out what weekend may have in store for me ;)
tomorrow (friday)–no plans at the moment, eek.
saturday–lunch with a sorority [yep i’m thinking about informal rush…ah], maybe drinking hanging out with some friends
sunday–hopefully going to whole foods with my grandma (as in i haven’t called her yet to ask) **side note on whole foods, i went this weekend & could hardly handle it, i had so many coupons, i just didn’t know what to do with myself. that being said i organized my coupons & made a list last night. ha

so yes i have some plans, nothing is definite. that’s what scares me. everything could fall through. but i have to remember that college kids really don’t plan all that much. most tend to fly by the seat of their pants, and they like it that way.

oh and i have a therapist now. wow. yep, my next appointment is tuesday. you best believe you’ll be hearing about it.

now i think i’m off to bed. i’m probably going to sing “rain, rain go away, come again another day…”

innocence. sometimes i think i'm still this little girl & that i will never grow up.

“It is never too late to have a happy childhood”—Tom Robbins

uh title-less. lo siento

happy hump day my beautiful people! i hope its warmer where you are, because it’s painfully cold here. i’m chilled to my bones, even though my mom says i’m too young for that.

well i went home yesterday. ridiculous i know, ha but one of my friends was leaving for school today, and she was picking up her jeans just a few exits away so she came by and grabbed me. its just so easy being so close to home. can you hear the smile in my voice?? i got to sleep in a warm room & just had to get up at 630 for my dad to drop me off on his way to work. only bummer was that i left my new tj spicy hummus at home. but no worries, i can nearly guarantee i’ll be back soon to rescue it :)

& yes my friend and i stopped by trader joe’s, its right across the street from the alternation place. all my idea. guilty as charged. i got some dried apricots, pomegranate greek yogurt {um delicious, hello!!}, spicy hummus, && INDIAN; by the way i tried it in the store [step forward Ed tells me this is notttt okay, he’s wrong]

the sample t'was delicious, i just had to buy it

today has just been spent going to my 2 classes. easy peasy.

one thing though–i got “caught” calorie counting. well, not really caught per say, but i was questioned & my answer was “oh, it’s nothing”, “no big deal”, “really don’t worry about it”

:(

how embarrassing. part of me just wanted to explain the whole thing (Ed and all) when we walked back to the apartments, another part of me planned to lie and say i was balancing my expenses if he happened to ask about it again. i’m pretty sure neither option is the way to go. i’m glad it didn’t come up again. has this ever happened to you? & down to the root of it, calorie counting? ugghh!

to be honest today after my afternoon snack Ed told me i was done. done for the day. no one would know, i could just crawl into bed. i get pissed at myself for having these thoughts, but i allow them to happen. i have yet to find my spark to change.

aside from that jazz i’m all by my lonesome in my apartment at the moment [cougar town is on tonight with lisa kudro!! friends mini reunion, except not really, but i don’t care, i’m still excited!!]

want to see my place?? sure you do :)

my side of the room (my bed is so tall, definitely takes some climbing to get into, hah)

the kitchen!

did i tell you that a majority of my stuff was food?

top of my desk, just some happy things

well time to have a snack so i’m off :) hope everyone has a lovely night!!

“Be curious, not judgmental.” — Walt Whitman

and so it begins

so it happened, it’s real, i’m a bearcat. ah! aside from the fact that it is 16 degrees outside, things are going pretty well. my apartment is relatively huge, my roommates are nice {and they eat, i had a mini irrational fear that they wouldn’t}, & i figured out how to turn the heat on today [would have helped to know last night when i was a popsicle in bed]. oh i did leave this morning without my key card, cause i thought i already lost it, but then i found it on my desk when i got back. silly me.

i had two classes today–financial accounting and business foundations [can’t believe i have to take this] and one of my guy friends from high school is in both of them! score. i now have someone to sit with & walk me home :) plus i even have time to do yoga!! happy!

&& my dad came to visit me before he went to the basketball game with my grandpa. i soo love being closer to home. 20 minutes baby!! good thing because i left like a ba-jillion things at home (remote control, dvds, spatula, baking sheet, the list goes on)

on the food front, eh i’m doing okay. yes i’m eating, more at a maintenance level than a gaining level, i’m doing a lot of measuring, i calorie count once a day [just to keep track], and i have rationalized myself out of getting food with a friend. not the hugest deals in the world, but not really steps forward in recovery. i’ve rationalized that i’m just getting myself into place here, i don’t want to try too much too fast. its kind of a cop out, i need to realize that if i want to have fun i need to suck it up and kick Ed out. i feel like a pansy admitting this, i’ve just let Ed become such of a comfort. i just feel content with it. even though i overcooked my oats this morning, wahhh– i think it’s time to start thinking about taking another step…

however i am snacking on some of these beautiful babies :)

so delicious :)

**miss sam (merrittothecarrot) is having the most delicious of giveaways :)

**update:: if you ever need/want to email me i’m now using a different one– hageremily@cinci.rr.com

i love my fellow bloggers so much :) because you guys want me to tell you what makes me happy. major thanks to miss amanda [.seek.], emily [secret doors], and rachael [ruby converse and curls] tagged me in this fabulous award!!

all that i need to do is tell you 10 things that make me happy, try to do at least one of them today, and pick 10 bloggers who make me happy to pass this along to :)

1. yoga–i feel like i could write for days on yoga, it is responsible for grounding me to this earth, i really have no idea where i would be without it.
2. my family–i know, i know corny. but they never fail to listen to me, respect me, and love me. but they’re also there to call my out on my ridiculousness.
3. oats–even though i’m trying not to have them every day for breakfast, they always make me happy.
4. coffee & tea–always comforting, you can frown while sipping a wonderful warm drink.
5. chatting–sure i’m not always up for being engaging and entertaining, but its really nice just talking to people.
6. friends dvds–i love the show and the fact that the episodes never change, and still every time i watch them i laugh.
7. cooking–i love creating new things in the kitchen, some may find my creations quite odd, but i think they’re delicious.
8. walking–to class, around the neighborhood, in the park. i like that i walk places.
9. being pleasantly surprised–i tend to expect the worst of everything but hope for the unrealistic best, which often leaves me disappointed. so its really nice when things surprise me.
10. blogging–you girls are amazing. every comment, each of your posts, touch me. thank you for being :)

i would love to pass this award to — rebecca (from here to there in purple), sophia (burp and slurp), eleanor (pieces of her), kailey (peanut butter bliss), devan (watermelon tequila), sam (merrittothecarrot), lexi (starlight diner), tat (tatianna lives), katie (faith food & fitness), shelley (finding happiness and health)

sorry for the snooze of a post, just adjusting… & totally picture-less, boo, i shall change that! the camera comes out tomorrow :)

BIG LOVE!!

“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.” — Allen Ginsberg

oh, when did i forget how much i adore allen ginsberg?

fresh new year

thank you so much for your most wonderful thoughts on my 2009 post. i tend to be a big dweller, but 2010 is about moving forward and growing from the past, so no dwelling.

okay so a quick recap of my new years eve: had to change my outfit 4 times (the dress kept changing from casual to dressy and then back), hopped in the the car and found out we were going to clifton which is where my new apartment is so quickly ran back inside to get my keys so i could talk everyone out of staying in the sketchy house. and boy did the party start awkwardly/boringly and then resulted in a typical house party, i was extremely out of the loop for a majority of the night but i just decided not to care. at least i didn’t have to suck on gross beer, since i came well equipped with mini wines {yeah everyone thought i was classy, ha}
then it was like 1:30 and there was no way i was staying at this house (by the way, how people managed to survive in this house is beyond me) so i began talking my friends in to heading to my apartment. luckily everyone agreed, but then we had to find our drivers purse which took forever! but we found it and headed out, and quickly realized we left two girls behind, one vomiting, ugh. [most vomit-y party i have ever been to by the way. yuck] but whatever we made it back to my apartment.
then at like 3 the fire alarm when off. i should probably let you know that it was ice cube weather, i was a little concerned i was going to end up with frostbite, i was in tights! well eventually we could go back in and we all passed out.

moral of the story: i went out. it was pretty ridiculous by my standards. i was uncomfortable. i feel kind of stuck up about it. these kind of things happen in real life.

yeah when i got home i was angry, i was tired, i was hungry. so i ate, parked my behind, and went to be early. so things are better.

now onto today, today we (me, my dad, my brother, my sister, & my other sister) moved some of my stuff into my apartment. wish i could say it was a fun loving experience where everyone joked and got along, but not the case, i had attitude. i was a bit stress and stress = attitude most of the time. working on it.

i think i'm just going to work hard at being nice to people ;)

so that must mean tomorrow’s the big day, i’m moving into my apartment for real, hopefully meeting my roommates, & really being a bearcat. i kind of wish i wasn’t so damn scared. i tried to do some yoga tonight, but i was totally not present, i was pretty pissed about it, but one day off won’t kill me, it will just make tomorrow’s practice that much better.

time to muster up some bravery...

ps — i totally loved reading everyone’s take on new years :)

now i will warn y’all blogging may take a back seat for a little bit, you know so i can get adjusted and such. not to say i won’t be reading, i am most definitely reading (you guys keep me sane!) but i may not be commenting/posting (who am i kidding i’ve been super sporadic over break as it is)  as much. i shall try my best! i love all of you :)

I can’t go back to yesterday – because I was a different person then. — Lewis Carroll

2009

here we go. its time to look at 2009. i’ll warn you, it’s not going to be pretty. if i had to describe this year in 3 words: unhappy, eating, disorder.

sometimes i look at my journal, usually to see how stupid i was, or how i attempted to write out my feelings. it serves as an indulgence, i think i’m indulging in self-centered-ness. but i think this is the first time i have been scared to look at my journal. why? well for one nearly everything scares me at least a little bit these days, and that i’m not just going to ignore the words.

January: new years felt like a binge-cookies, dip, sugary alcohol, 4 of us just sitting around. i beat myself up for that. i was still heavy at that point, but i was vegetarian. my journal: “i love being vegetarian. it makes me something. i am vegetarian. i am skinnier too. it sort of rocks a lot. a lot. a lot.” everyone i knew, knew that i was vegetarian. i told everyone, looking back i must have sounded like fool. & i visited the nutritionist, she recommended i visit CAPS. i think i was flattered in a way, but i ignored her, i was still heavy.

February: valentine’s day stands out for me. i called my sister to wish her a happy birthday and ended up balling desperately asking my mom to pick me up so i didn’t have to spend the day alone at school. but, that wasn’t an option so i spent most of the day at starbucks. i told myself that i could accept who i was and how my body was. i was alone, and i felt it. i think i nearly binged on oatmeal raisin cookies the next day which caused me to flip out. i decided the next week “i can be a vegetarian runner in business”

March: i don’t remember march. nothing specific happened, i think i spent a lot of time running, doing 8-minute abs, researching diets, searching calories and nutrition facts. i avoided going out, i was full of excuses. i did go down to south caroline to visit my friend on spring break, i had a good time but as soon as they ordered chocolate cake i bitched out, there was no way on earth i was having a bite.

April: more of march’s doings, had a mini breakdown walking home from going out to eat. i started making plans on what i was going to do differently, while trying to accept that this was my life. little 500 happened (the greatest college weekend) thank god i ran into 2 of my friends outside, because i spent the weekend with them. at one drunk point i considered out loud that i might have an eating disorder. but there was little discussion about it, so i just ignored it.

May: my birthday, hell. during finals week. i treated myself to starbucks oatmeal for breakfast, i really wanted just to spend the day there. but i was demanded to come back to my dorm to have lunch with my “friends” in the dining hall, they thought it was really special that we all got to eat the shit food together. i was not amused. at one point they joked about getting me a cake, but they knew i wouldn’t eat it, and i decided even if they thought i would eat the cake they would have never gotten it for me. i did bake myself a cake when i got home from school, strawberry with cream cheese frosting. i had a small slice.
i also started work in an office. in my mind i was sitting on my butt all day. i thought every night i needed to be at the gym to make up for sitting at work.

June: more work. but it was getting harder for me to actually work out, time was slipping away and i was tired, so i got pissed. i did cut down, but i also started finding any reason i could to take walks at work, i found stairs to walk up, i researched more diet information. (by this point i was eating meat again).
i took a road trip with my two oldest friends. i was miserable, and was beginning to realize that i didn’t think like other people, that i cared about different things. i fell down the stairs and had another breakdown.

July: i ran the hyde park blast (4 miles) sure i walked more than i wanted to, but i ran most of it. the last few hundred yards my chest was dying. i couldn’t even manage to find anything at the blast worth eating after the race. still working about 35 hour weeks. i did become enthralled with yoga :)

August: my mom and i talked about how i needed to change, and how she was scared for me to go back to school. i tried out some therapy, but this woman convinced me i was fine, i just had some perfectionist issues.
then i went back to school. i had the most desperate night of my life. i called my mom and told her to pick me up, i didn’t want to do school at indiana, i needed to be home, i couldn’t be there. i spent hours sobbing, begging my mom and dad to pick me up. they told me i could do this, it would make me stronger. i think i cried for 2 days, i just hurt.

September: i realized i could get plenty of exercise walking around campus, i walked everywhere and always took the stairs, even the 10 flights up to my room. i think i went out once, and the night didn’t end well. [which puts my number of times going out for the semester to be 2]

October: decided to transfer officially. started to blog (i think).

November: thanksgiving, prepared to leave. did my school work. attempted to entertain myself, fighting between the conflict of wanting to hang out with people, while telling myself that i had lost the ability to relate to people, telling myself that no one would want to hang out with me, and that i couldn’t face the anxiety of hanging out with other people.

December: went to CAPS.

so that was my year. and its been all about me in my head. what i’ve done, what others have done to me. what i did wrong, what i’ve chosen to eat and not eat, how i’m unhappy. sure this year wasn’t easy, i faced a lot of things i had never faced before. i was rejected from some clubs, i was without a best friend at school. my life had changed. and all i saw was that i had gained weight in the first semester and i was going to loose it to bring things back to normal. i put every ounce of this on myself. and though i’ve tampered with the idea of “getting better” i’ve wanted to do it under the condition of staying thin. {i’m short, i should be thin <–one of Ed’s fiercest weapons, i often remember that i was heavy, Ed has so much pride in the fact that i have actually lost weight since january}.
i spent the first half of the year getting thin, and the rest of the year desperately trying to stay that way, the meanwhile isolating and berating myself. Ed made me a little bubble, a bubble i’ve been expecting and waiting for someone else to pop.

i have yet to trust that i am enough.

this year i am starting at a new school. in a new apartment. with new roommates. new classes. new people. sure, i’m scared shitless. but i can be happy. you can be happy. because: WE ARE ALL ENOUGH.

this year i am planning to embrace the fact that i have the ability to be human. as tonight i am going to a party, i have no idea what the night will bring, all i know is that i have some wine and old friends.

care to join me?

“Life is too important to be taken seriously.” — Oscar Wilde

home :)

hello my lovelies, i hope everyone is basking in the glory of break. we all deserve it.

let me take a moment to thank all of you for your amazing support. each of your comments always brighten my day, you have no idea. thank you thank you thank you :)

so i’m thinking i probably need to back up a bit. how about back to my nutritionist appointment yesterday. it went well (i’ve actually met with her before, last year when i wanted to lose weight, she actually told me yesterday that she had thought i was at risk at that time, even though she knew i couldn’t see it). she gave me a meal plan, and i’m working through it but it is a lot harder than i thought it would be. do you guys have any tips on tracking exchanges?

oh by the way, isn't this adorable :)

next event, my dad coming! eek we were super speedy in moving my stuff and packing it into the suv, maybe a little tooo speedy since we forgot: my robe, a towel, & my pillows. big bummer.

all my crap as my dad likes to call it

then it was exam time (no big deal, thank goodness) and drive time. and i was HOME! so happy :)

today was orientation for the college of business where i made my schedule for the quarter (classes start january 4th! so soon) my schedule is easy & i managed no tuesday classes.

now my easy schedule is difficult for me. honestly i have always put myself in difficult academic situations, i’ve always taken honors classes and ap in high school. i took honors at indiana. i am in a business foundations course, its cake the advisors told me so. i only have 15 credit hours, sure i that’s what i took both semesters freshman year, but UC is quarters so that amounts to less.

i should be jumping for joy. i just finished a difficult and stressful semester, i deserve some peace and ease. but these things aren’t sinking in.

what i realized today is that even though my semester felt like hell as i was going through it, now looking back since i did it & finished it, i find myself thinking that it couldn’t have been that bad. since i was able to do it, it must have been at least somewhat easy.

what i’m getting at is that i completely ignore the fact that i can do difficult things. i minimize all my difficult past experiences and tell myself they weren’t that bad. i don’t know if this is something that makes me stronger, or something that keeps me running head first into hell.

i digress.

tonight we went to dinner at the club, which was nice, my brother even came, so it was all six of us again. i totally rocked the kid’s menu ;) [grilled tilapia {amazing!!!}, streamed broccoli + special order baked sweet potato = happy me] dinner went well, minus that they first served me my tilapia with butter pasta and a pool of butter in my sweet potato. good thing we were nice and polite and all was resolved. easy peasy.

now it’s about time for me to make a snack so i will leave you with a lovely thought:

“May I be free from hostility, free from affliction, free from distress; may I live happily.” –Metta Meditation

hope everyone is enjoying themselves and embracing the holidays! xoxo

found this in my room :) my mom's the best

through

‘Cause they say the best way out is through–“Ungodly Hour”–The Fray

good afternoon my dears! i cannot get over how wonderful you all are, i am so glad that you guys know just what to say to whip me back into shape :) i am so grateful for all of you.

i am in the process of packing up my room and preparing for my last final. and since i had absolutely no real obligations today i treated myself to 45 of hot power fusion love.

i’ve been thinking a lot about my denial, and i’ve come to a few realizations. the first being that it has been a while since i put myself in a challenging situation, so i have not had to make any anxiety provoking decisions. essentially i have kept myself in my easy bubble, which is a good way to trick myself that i am fine. but in thinking about it i am about to experience a lot of changes. i am going home where things are different and the food is different, i am going to have a hectic schedule and then i am moving in with three new girls january 1st. to me these are all big changes that are not easy to handle.

i also realized that it takes me like an hour to eat a meal. this isn’t an option when i am busy, and its not a realistic way to eat.

so once i get home my mom and i are going to figure out what’s next. but even sooner i have a nutritionist appointment tomorrow morning. and i have figured out what my new outlook is going to be: i am eating to get my period back. it is a problem that i haven’t had a period since march.

also i found out today that my free t4 levels are low, they told me this is common with eating disorders and by googling all i managed to find was that it has to do with hypothyroidism, anyone have any experience with free t4 levels?

ah here is my new love:

this smells so good, it is a wonderful hand lotion to put on before bed ($0.97 at target, i say you go buy some)

other than all that jazz i sold back my books today, and worked on using up all my meal points, but i still have 30 left to spend! so it looks like more clifs, lunas, gum, iced tea :) and a latte too. funny how i was convinced i was going to run out of meal points just a few weeks ago.

well it seems i should get back to packing, so much fun. but i am not complaining because I’M LEAVING TOMORROW :) anyone else way too excited for this week to end?

happy wednesday my dears!! &&

the oh so amazing shelley tagged me with this beautiful award :) thanks again girl!

7 random facts about moi:

1. i used to be a gymnast & a cheerleader, but i am more flexible now than i ever was then (thank you yoga)
2. my senior year i was general manager of my high school school store, the comet zone
3. my dad calls me emily krackalin because when i was a baby i couldn’t pronounce katherine
4. one of my favorite things to do is drive with the windows down, radio up, and just sing (especially party in the usa ha)
5. i have no sense of direction what so ever
6. i fall down quite often, usually while trying to walk up stairs
7. my favorite movie when i was little was the jungle book :)

i would like to share this with–tatianna, theemptynutjar, rebecca, sophia, emily, sam, katie